Help! 11yr old. I am at breaking point

[SuperMummy1234]

My 11yr old is bright, funny and confident.

She is also increasingly rude, shouty and obnoxious. She rules our household and family life. She refuses to sleep, is rude to us and her little brother.

I don’t know how to deal with her. She doesn’t have a phone yet so can’t take it off her.

Tonight she’s shouting how much she hates me and what a horrible mum I am. I banned her from going to a party because she has been so rude. She’s threatening to kill herself and says that my punishments only make her more determined.

There is so much more but I can’t bear to go over it. I’m just lost for what to do.

How are things at school?

Sounds really hard. Has she had any trauma/bullying/any additional reasons for difficult behaviour other than being a pre teen? The suicide threats are probably just to scare you but worrying that an 11 year old is thinking of that. Is there a school counsellor you could request she sees? I’m sure you’re not a bad mum x

Thank you. No bullying or trauma and no problems at school. She’s always been a bit highly strung but the rudeness and outright disrespect is just shocking. X

That must be so hard. Does she have any electronics at all?

If she's not sleeping, what's she doing at night?

She says your punishments make her more determined.
That particular punishment sounds harsh for some rudeness.
Are you always punishing her to control her?

Be really firm with her, yes agree she may need some one to talk to re the death threats. But you can't let her rule the house or be rude. Have a preteen to she can also be stropy and rude. If she's not nice she doesn't get what she wants.
I will often send her to her room if she can't be nice either. This helps us all have a bit of breathing space.

Oh and she will be really nice sometimes, when we get to spend alone time together and do things just the two of us. Is she craving some one an one time with you.

I also find rewards work well. If she's behaving well she gets to do all the things she wants and even some extra treats ie more time with me normally. Learning life is about being nice to each other hopefully.

At 11 dd was awful at times. Early nights were handed out - making her miss her favourite TV show. If she wasn't mature enough to behave then no later telly. I did actually tell her that her behaviour was preventing me wanting to spend much time with her! Food for thought and I saw vast improvement. She is old enough to be told her behaviour is impacting on others.

Hormones are rampant at this age - a lot of this maybe her trying to control emotions but not managing to. It’s almost like going back to toddler era. Could you spend some one to one time with her - maybe take her out for a hot chocolate and try and reconnect with her about how she is feeling?
Is she yr6 or yr7? If yr6 could it b SATS stress or fear of move to secondary?

I’m not sure. 11 was tricky here too. Beef up nice 121 time with her? What works here is intervening with a hug before it escalates too much. Me shutting up. During quiet times ask her what she wants to happen when she kicks off- you go away or sit quietly near her...bigger picture is helping her manage her emotions (Easily said). For us it’s better to mostly forgetting sanctions and focus on reducing the rage, debriefs afterwards and talking helps better. I’m by no means perfect but this approach is better.

She refuses to sleep

This jumps out at me as poor sleep can lead to tantrums. What is happening so she doesn't sleep?

Is she Year6, so Sats or started secondary school.
I think cancelling a party is harsh as I tried to avoid irreversible punishments i.e missing a party as no chance to repeat..so use other sanctions.

When she is calm ask her what is going on. She might not know but check the basics, is she eating ok, can she get more sleep.

If she has been mostly lovely growing up then I would give her some leeway, ignore bad behaviour, have small sanctions but avoid direct confrontations that escalate.
When she is calm let her know she is loved and you want to help her get control of her emotions and outbursts.

I always say this, but try reading a book called How to talk so kids listen.... it's really good for setting a different dynamic rather than her angry and you punishing. It's a little, erm, American, but really, really good!

Like April we dish out early nights, but only if we've tried everything else first. Early nights are the one thing she hates so it does make her think that perhaps she's going too far.

Ds is 12. He just spoke to me like shit when I asked him to get his laundry and put it near the washing machine. His punishment is to now do his own laundry. I more often than not walk away. It’s easier than having an argument. Pick your battles (and I find wine and gin help)

Ime rethinking already made plans with scope to improve behaviour and keep plans usually works. Cancelling arrangements means stuck at home with a stroppy dc!!
Chores get dished out as a means to recoup favour! Win bloody win there!!
We have family film nights quite often. Snacks, sweets, film - no phones!! Always well received by all.

April we don’t cancel activities either, I’m only too happy to get rid of the milk for a couple of hours if they are being vile and mine do chores to get back correct bedtime or lost devices too