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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Puberty - Golden nuggets of advice?

14 replies

Pinkbells · 24/01/2019 12:45

My son is almost eleven and started 'sprouting'. Along with it come whiffs of body odour (luckily he loves showers and has them every morning and evening) but also there have been mood swings, aggression (nothing too bad, but he's needling his little brother and shouting a lot). I was just looking for advice about ways to help him through it whilst maintaining some ground rules at the same time. He's looking for a little more freedom too, which is expected. Any words of wisdom or recommended books for those who have been through it please? Thank you!

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Disfordarkchocolate · 24/01/2019 12:48

A sense of humour.
One on one time.
More freedom.
Love them when they let you.
Praise.
Remember he will likely want to fit it ie clothes.
A sense of humour.

reluctantbrit · 24/01/2019 18:00

The main one I have with DD is “hormones are no excuse for bad or rude behaviour “. I accept a certain amount of mood swings, especially as she just started her period but I am firm in being able to get yourself together and behave like a human being. I do comfort her when she suddenly burst into tears when watching TV or reading and happily supply hot water bottles and chocolate though.

I found that making a bit of fun about puberty helps breaking the ice and get her laughing.

Get him involved in decisions like buying stuff if he is into this. Let him have independence.

teenangstpsychoanalyst · 24/01/2019 18:10

Wine. Lots of wine. (You not him!)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 25/01/2019 08:07

Or Gin, again for you not him.

Pinkbells · 25/01/2019 16:24

reluctantbrit I'm definitely going to recite that one (probably ad nauseum, haha!) Thanks :-)

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Pinkbells · 25/01/2019 16:25

Disfordarkchocolate I think you are spot on about the one-one time. I managed to defuse a spiralling mood with him by surprising him with the suggestion of a film and we sat and watched the Hobbit together. Afterwards he was calmly talking to me about his day and a couple of issues, so that was a good bit of advice.

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Pinkbells · 25/01/2019 16:26

Ooh now the gin and the wine - those are my best suggestions so far :-) :-)

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Disfordarkchocolate · 25/01/2019 16:31

One more - the car is a good place to have a chat. Something about the lack of eye contact I think.

sugarbum · 25/01/2019 16:43

DS1 is going through this (has been for a while actually) He is nearly 12. He's also now taller than me, and I have to wake him up every morning and his massive man - sized calves and bare feet sticking out of the bed always freak me out (Size 9 WTF!)

He's always been quite insular, so the 'teenage stropping' is probably not a far cry from his normal characteristics. He goes through bouts of door slamming and 'I hate you' and wotnot. Then once in a blue moon this sweet funny character pops out and we're like - you! you! we want more of you!

I have found that his behaviour is worse with too much screen time. So I have parental controls on his PC. Its another reason to hate me, but I don't budge on that. Bad behaviour warrants a removal of time.

He has freedom but he doesn't seem to want much. He is allowed to wander locally if he wants to, as long as we can contact him. He has his own bank account (although only spends his money on Roblox and hasn't managed to comprehend ATMs yet)

He doesn't much like conversation, but as I like Marvel films and know a little bit about techy stuff I try to chat to him about stuff like that so at least we can talk about something (and not just about what mean bullies we are) I try to watch the newest trailers (like Spiderman etc) so I can discuss it with him.

Reluctantbrit mentioned having a laugh about puberty. DH does that with him and he seems to find it amusing. I personally don't do it.

I enforce mum hugs at bedtime. I don't get them in public any more. I try and coax a chat out of him at bedtime about school and so on.
I also tend to take the 'good cop' role with homework, and help him out with it, because he really struggles with organisation. (DH doesn't have the patient and goes off on one which doesnt get homework done) I don't do it for him, but he knows (I hope) that if something is baffling him then I will help if I can.

He has a football match once a week. I am not the yelling type, but I try to make sure I shout 'Go DS1!' at least a few times during the match so he can hear me. He likes being praised.
He also likes being given tasks. For instance I ask him to go get some shopping for me from the local shop. Just bread and milk for instance. He seems to like me needing him to do something (I don't really but that's besides the point) and likes being thanked when he returns.

Oh and wine.

reluctantbrit · 25/01/2019 22:32

One other thing: take concern seriously even if they are a bit “really” for you. DD suddenly had some issues in school and said she was ok talking to us as we didn’t laugh/put aside about her issues when she wanted to talk.

reluctantbrit · 25/01/2019 22:34

Sugarbum - it May be a gender issue. DH wouldn’t say a word about skin routine or clothes or periods but I can.

DropZoneOne · 25/01/2019 22:46

YY to the screen time. Rudeness / bad behaviour leads to loss of screen time. The reaction is horrific. But the next day, having lost the PC / tablet, DD is so much nicer. Funny, polite, chatty - we can talk, do things together and the spark comes back.

It is a tricky time though. DD is not quite 11, but started her periods 6 months ago and the growth spurt was about a year ago. Her friends are catching up now, so she's less conscious about things, but things still bother her and it's keeping the lines of communication open so she can open up when she's ready. As a PP said, this often happens in the car!

Pinkbells · 27/01/2019 19:12

Sugarbum great advice, thank you. I like the idea of chatting in the car, especially as he now has more activities and therefore more opportunities. He thinks he won't get a mobile phone until secondary school but we have got one for his birthday, and are considering other more grown up things (later bedtime) etc when he turns 11.

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Pinkbells · 27/01/2019 19:13

DropZoneOne I've noticed this too. The reduction of screen time is a powerful bargaining chip. And it is nice to have more time with him when he does.

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