My pre-teen doesnt seem to want to do much

[Lavenderdays]

My dd is 12, and doing okay at school. However, all she seems to want to do is go on her phone when she returns home from school.
She used to belong to Guides, do swimming regularly, and show a real interest in drama; all of which I thought was really positive.
As soon as she started secondary school all of these activities faded. She appears very weighed down by peer pressure and doesn't want to do much unless her friends are at school i.e drama group/choir/science/art groups she does nothing really; doesn't participate in school competitions or anything. She seems super anxious about what others think; recently she had a Christmas jumper day at school and she didn't want to wear a jumper with a reindeer on it for fear of being judged/teased. DD is not sporty but she is quite musical (plays the piano) and is reasonably good at drama and art, yet she never participates in concerts/choir/house competitions when other children her age are at least giving it a go, so this cant be a thing that affects all pre-teens.

The screen thing is getting me down; everything seems to be screen orientated; homework, everything, it feels as if she frittering her life away. I must be very out of touch because there are no text books etc. so there is always the perfect excuse, " I need to go on the computer to do my homework," etc. She does like animals but there is no way I could commit to having a dog etc. currently.

Anyone else's pre-teen like this, looking for reassurance here?

Yes same here. My daughter is 12 also many dramas going on at school and she is involved and constantly on her phone and snappy. Drives me insane to be honest

That sounds similar to my dd, icantfind, I suppose I am looking for some reassurance that there are others around like this. The one thing that she is interested in is horses = huge commitment, we are not buying a horse and riding lessons without access to a horse (she has had some lessons) doesn't seem to make sense but we are going to see if there is anyone who needs a hand with mucking out etc. next Summer etc. More than likely, this activity is not going to be directly on the doorstep, so transporting dd there will be a big commitment in itself.

Mine is exactly like this though we are being nagged for a St Bernard rather than a horse - vet said that would kill our elderly cat so its a no to that. And non stop drama of which DD creates her fair share. Refuses old gymnastics club which she loves but isn't cool. Does youth club with friends and goes out with friends a bit. Must never be seen with parents either. We also get one day she hates me, next day I am her best friend and I get 3 hours of chatting with her, well from her.

Mine is 13.

Did come across this but not tried as a cat.

www.borrowmydoggy.com

To be honest, most people won’t want an inexperienced teenager helping muck out. It’s a complete PITA as you have to manage it. It’s not help, it’s more work. I am often asked by parents if I would like help from their inexperienced teenagers, but what they really want is for me to teach their children horsemanship free of charge and then let the inexperienced child ride my horse which cost me lots of money.

However I would encourage the horse stuff if you can possible manage it. Lots of riding stables offer a part time loan arrangement. Where you have the pony for set days but it belongs to the stables and they use it for other lessons on the days your DD isn’t. My parents and I massively credit the horses for keeping me on The straight and narrow as a teenager. I met an amazing group of friends separate to school which was a refreshing break from the drama. Taught me about budgeting money, hard physical work, patience and putting someone else before my own needs. Horses were a great distraction from heartbreak and peer pressure. Even as a young adult I didn’t do drugs or spend money on bridge drinking as it went on my horse.
I will do everything I can to encourage both my DD to have a time consuming hobby like this. (Not necessarily horses whatever they want to do)

Ha I could have written this post myself down to my daughter also playing and having piano lessons!! She seems to thriving in school and does a whole lot of extra curricular club around it but then comes home and unless we nag would sit festering in her room with her nose on her phone, she has also adopted quite a dismissive, snippy tone to us and her sibling which grips my shit constantly

I generally havd found this stage (I have 3 DD’s and she is our eldest) the most stressful of all and it just seems I’m constantly morning at her...

My middle dd has her own pony, although definitely more of a family effort with all the early mornings, show prep, lessons/rally’s standing around in the pissing cold and of course emptied bank acc. I’d love to say it’s a waste of time and money but we do love him and middle DD is a different child since buying him.

We did start of small though, riding lessons for a year 1st then a small part time loan!! It is tricky though as my 2 younger DD’s are horsey but if we had bought him for the youngest we really would have been wasting our time as she unless it’s a beautiful sunny day she is just not interested and even then it’s just the riding where as middle DD would move herself onto the yard if she could and is always really motivated even on a cold rainy Saturday morning.

Oh thanks everyone; it is interesting to hear feedback about the subject of 'the horse'.

Ploppy, dd isn't totally inexperienced - she has spent the past 2 summers (once or twice a week) exercising a ladies horse (with the lady of course who was on another horse) including mucking out/tacking up etc. (sorry not sure about all the horsey speak). She can canter as well and do small jumps. Unfortunately, the lady has had some personal issues (we don't know everything but involves a relationship break up) and has shoved my dd to one side (understandably I suppose), hence looking around for this kind of thing again. My dh used to buy feed occasionally and horse shoes, so it wasn't totally free of charge and of course dd was helping manage the stable with the occasional mucking out. It is difficult for me to commit to much at the moment because I have a baby in the mix as well and there are no stables on the doorstep that offer the sort of arrangement you speak of Ploppy (have looked into it briefly, although there might be one possibility re. stabling a horse locally but that meals full commitment I suppose and I just can't convince myself that dd is as mad about having a horse as she says (i.e out in bad weather, mucking out etc.) that's why I would be interested to see if she could do this for someone on a regular basis first but definitely food for thought.

I am going to re-read all that has been written here (as well as the non-horse stuff) thanks everyone for replying.

Ah okay levender I do see your point of view. It’s so difficult isn’t it, beside obviously you can’t get a horse on the off chance she likes it long term.
Overall I think your DD sounds normal, if that helps. Just not sure that the new normal is healthy in erma if screens and constantly worrying about image and online peer pressure etc. But like you say it’s so hard to combat it.
Good luck.

Yes, Ploppy, that's my dilemma - I suppose if the sort of facility you speak of re. stabling was more on the doorstep (and not a 45 minute drive), I think I would be sorely tempted to do this for dd. We don't have any extended family full stop or friends with horses so we have no one to call upon should we need to unfortunately.

Just wish the screens weren't there (I suppose it used to be TV back in the day) but when she hasn't the option of screens, she goes straight to her piano/art/reading or writing and I would love her to do a bit more of this. DD occasionally meets up with her friends outside of school but only one lives nearby the others are 2 bus rides away (or 30 minutes in the car), not impossible but everything has to be arranged in advance and can't be done on a whim (dd isn't brilliant at instigating social gatherings like these). At weekends, we usually go for a walk/get out for fresh air etc. for an hour or two (DD takes phone and takes photos but can't always get a phone signal = perfect).

Twitch - your dd is doing extra curricular stuff at school whereas my dd doesn't. Apparently she applied to join one or two but was told they were full, not a lot I can do (I did offer to contact dd's form tutor but dd was horrified and I am not sure she would have kept going along to them anyway).

Tricky. DD2 (Infant school age) is doing Rainbows, Ballet and Swimming lessons, exactly what dd1 used to do - she's not pushed to go to these things, she just really wants to - Sigh, how times change!