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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

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10 replies

Excel · 29/11/2018 08:32

My daughter has started secondary school and is extremely shy. She has made no friends and hangs out in the locker room trying to organise herself and doing homework during breaks. She says all the girls have made friends or know each other and she feels awkward. Any ideas on how to help her be more confident and outgoing. Ive spoken to school who organised social classes for her and other classmates. She enjoyed it and I'm sure she will benefit from it but she is still in the locker room every break. Any ideas on helping her make friends be more confident/outgoing appreciated.

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 29/11/2018 17:10

has she joined any clubs at all? they can be a great way to make friends, because the people there will share the same interests as your daughter. You could prep her with a few convo starters, just basic ones like: hi, I'm (name). half the battle is sometimes plucking up the courage to start a conversation. all the best x

Original poster
Excel · 29/11/2018 19:52

Thanks for advice. She has put her name down for several clubs but has not gone to any. Does not have the confidence. To attend. If she can't get over her shyness she will never be able to chat freely and make friends. I was thinking of c.b.t. group therapy for social anxiety but how would I get her on board?

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/12/2018 09:08

There are online courses for CBT aimed at children and teenagers which might suit her more.

Has she tried Guided Meditation too? I use an app call Insight Timer. Yoga should help too. Could you go to a yoga class together or are the here any Preteen yoga classes near to you?

Does she know that many of the other children attending the clubs will be anxious too? Most people seem to assume when they walk into a crowded group that everyone knows one another, but that simply isn’t the case. Often there will be other new people there too.

I know it’s a bit of an odd suggestion but has she read How to Win Friends and Influence People? It’s a manual on how to talk to people Smile

I’d also make the school aware of the fact that although she’s enjoyed the social classes, she’s still alone.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 02/12/2018 09:18

My shy 11 year old has made friends by approaching anyone she sees on their own and asking if they want to sit with her until their friends turn up. It’s a strategy she came up with on her own after another girl did the same to her on her first day. It’s worked brilliantly. She also asks the people say by her in classes if they’re going to any clubs after school/ at lunch then announces she was going there too and they can go together. Again, works well and gives her someone to talk to in the club straight away. She then meets others through these people and at clubs. It’s hard for her to take the first step, but getting easier, and is much easier than spending breaks alone. She seems to have several solid friendship groups now and her phone never stops! She still regularly finds people on their own though, so plenty of kids don’t have established groups yet which means there’s still time!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/12/2018 18:33

That’s a great, and well thought out, tactic your DD has got there Howmany Smile

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 02/12/2018 18:55

Thanks! I’m really proud of her as we’re both very shy and I know how hard it is. I was really worried before she started in September as she didn’t know anyone but she found something that worked really well for her.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/12/2018 21:38

You should be proud of her Howmany Smile

Have either of you read Quite.

I’ve not read it but my DN is very quiet and she and my DSIL hace foubd it helpful Smile

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 02/12/2018 22:13

I just looked a the article. Seems interesting, I’ll take a look. Thanks

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/12/2018 07:17

Sorry about the typos. Despite what my iPad would have you believe, I can actually spell! Grin

Original poster
Excel · 03/12/2018 12:28

Thanks jiltedjohnsjulia and howmanysleepstilchristmas. Some really interesting suggestions from both of u. Things i had not thought of or considered. So plenty to be exploring. Unfortunately dd not able to make first approach to peers but well done to your dd..great it's working so well for her. How to win friends and influence people ordered from Amazon. She adores reading so she should at least give it a look over also I'm looking into online cbt. Appointment with physiological sevices mid december so new year before anything organised through them. Thxs again for your thoughts suggestions. Must remind her she not only one. Although she grumpily tell me she knows that and that doesn't help her !!.. not easy being 13.. also not off the ground she licked it..both my husband and I introverts.😶😶

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