Lying

[MotsDHeureGoussesRames]

My 12yo DS frequently lies. I find it really hard to deal with. He will lie to get what he wants and to try to avoid trouble. It's part of him I really don't like. For example, we had a big issue the other day when he took and ate things he wasn't allowed to and then lied about it. Then today he was allowed to take one piece of chewing gum. As he was walking away, I asked him how many he had taken and he said one. I could tell he was lying so asked him to show me, at which point he said 'no actually I've got 2. I thought I only had 1.' I called him on it and he admitted to lying. The packet of chewing gum has now gone in the bin. This constant deceit and lying has me really worried. For context, he has recently lost contact with his DF, after he was arrested for serious offences. I am scared that he has inherited the same deceitful character as his father and find I have a really gut deep reaction to his lying due to this. The lying has been going on since before the contact stopped but I know he's having a very hard time dealing with that and with coming to terms with who his father actually is. I need some advice on how to handle the lies and deceit because I feel that it will erode the relationship I have with him at a pivotal time in his life.

You sound like you're projecting your fears about his dad onto him.

An extra piece of chewing gum? That's the extent of his 'deceit'? You've got an ANGEL of a kid, if that's the case.

Kids lie. It's part of figuring out the world and testing boundaries and working out how relationships and trust work.

An extra piece of chewing gum is no big deal, but you've got him under a microscope at a time when he needs extra love and affection.

It's absolutely going to erode the relationship you have with him unless something changes, but it's not his lies that are going to do it – it's you being on guard at all times for any tiny sign that he's becoming his father.

He doesn't deserve that level of pressure, and you don't deserve to be in a mental state where you're so alert for it; it must be exhausting for you too.

I think he’s just pushing boundaries seeing what he can get away with. My ds 12 is constantly pinching food from the kitchen and lying about it, I don’t have a problem with him helping himself but I do insist they don’t take food up to their rooms because they just leave the wrappers all over bedrooms & now he’s trying to break that rule. He’s also challenging me every time I say he can’t do something! It’s the age I swear!

Thank you so much for the honest feedback. I need this as fear I am being too hard on him but find deceit so difficult. I appreciate I have to see my role in this - I believe that when adults change, children change. I just don't know how to move forward.

It's understandable that it's touchy for you right now.

But look at it also from his perspective; he feels you watching him, looking out for him putting a foot wrong, and the reactions to his mistakes in behaviour are so out of proportion that he becomes extra tense, and then tries to avoid the tension and confrontation by lying, which makes it worse, which makes you even more tense and vigilant, which makes him more tense and avoidant...

It sounds like a bit of a time bomb.

I wonder if it might be useful for you to decide on some clear criteria about lies to have at your own disposal – what size or nature of lie is actually unacceptable (and why) and which are little-boy lies that you can roll your eyes at and smile (and why).

You could base your choices on the consequences of the lies, for example...

Extra piece of chewing gum = not hurting anyone, you're not going to explode for lack of chewing gum, let it slide.

Said he was at friend's house, was actually playing in the street = dangerous, meaningfully erodes your trust = don't let it slide.

It sounds like you're pinging off any old trigger, so some thoughtful decisions and clear criteria could be a useful tool for you.

It'll help him understand where the boundaries are, too.

That's a really useful idea - thank you. I feel awful. He ate his way through a LOT of sweets in about 45 minutes when unsupervised and I really told him off. The day after, it was the chewing gum. But you're right about lying to avoid tension and confrontation and my reactivity. Thank you again for your perspective.

Come back and let us know how it goes.

It's a hell of a feeling when you get a huge whoosh of displaced emotions –I can imagine it must be really hard for you to deal with.

Maybe checking in here a few times with updates of what you've been doing and how he's responded could help you keep track of how things are going?