[Trigger warning] How much painful life experience should you divulge to preteens / teens?

[biggirlknickers]

My eldest is 10 and very much still a child so this isn’t an issue yet, but it’s something I’ve been thinking of recently.

I was sexually abused from the age of 11 to 14 by a family friend. My parents had absolutely no idea what was going on. I thought this person actually liked me and didn’t recognise the abuse until many years later. I was extremely vulnerable (naive, low self-esteem) and it was easy for my abuser to gain access to me and keep me quiet about what was going on. My parents couldn’t protect me because they did not know I was in danger. I remember what a pushover I was - I had no idea that what was happening was wrong. I was compliant. But the long term effects on my mental and physical well-being have been significant.

Now my dd is coming close to the age I was when it started. She is just like me at the same age - naive and with some self-esteem issues. I desperately want to protect her from making the same mistakes. I wonder whether I should tell her what happened to me in an attempt to give her the courage / insight to avoid similar situations which otherwise I may well be powerless to prevent (as my parents were powerless to prevent my abuse).

If I tell her, I will wait until she is a little older (but not much, as I was 11 when it started) and I will only give her the basic facts - no details.

But on the other hand, would this be a terrible mistake? I don’t want to burden her (still a child!) with the worst ghosts of my past. And she may still be vulnerable anyway.

Any thoughts / opinions gratefully received.

I wouldn’t tell her. Just equip her with the relevant knowledge to protect herself.

In the same way you would if it hadn’t happened to you. I’m sorry you went through that x

First of all . Just wanted to tell you how I’ve dealt with this issue with my daughter. I haven’t told her anything about what happened to me, but I’ve really emphasised the fact that her body is hers alone, and who is on the extremely short list of people she can trust with it. But probably even more than that, I’ve been saying to her since she first started to talk, that no one, ever, is allowed to make her keep secrets from me. She knows she can tell me anything, and I remind her every now and then. I never told my parents, out of misguided loyalty, guilt, shame, trying to protect them. I feel, if I can stop that cycle of secrets, I’ll be able to protect her as much as I can. Hope that helps.

Sorry to hear what happened to you.

I don't think you should tell her what happened to you as this could be very distressing for her when she's still so young.

However, you should absolutely have a conversation about the subject on a more general way like missfire said above. School will have already raised many of these points when the NSPCC comes in and speaks to children. The NSPCC also has some good information about how to talk to children and what to say.

I meant to say the NSPCC website has some good information.

I agree with the others on this thread that she is probably too young to know what happened to you. But you are right to want to keep her safe. Speak to her about her body make sure she knows and uses the medical names for her anatomy and knows who can be trusted with her body eg you, the doctor, nurses etc. Make sure she knows never to keep a secret I tell my daughter that secrets aren't always good and it can be hard to know when they are bad so that if someone tells her to keep a secret I tell her to say " I will have to tell my mum" she is allowed to keep a surprise but then an abuser isn't likely to say " this is a surprise for mummy"

OP you sound like a fantastic mum and I am so sorry for what happened to you.

I do a lot of work with the NSPCC and so am exposed a lot of their practices. I have 3 daughters of my own and all of them are aware of the different forms of abuse that takes place. They know what is acceptable and what they should always 'speak out and stay safe' about. My oldest is 11 soon and I know for her that her emotions, hormones, puberty etc are something that she is dealing with at the moment. If your daughter is at the same stage then perhaps now is not the best time to tell her anything. Our little ones are still only little and speaking about abuse in a broad sense makes it something to be aware of. I feel personalising it such an age would be perhaps damaging and very, very upsetting. No child wants to think of that happening to their mum.

Whatever decision you make, good luck.

I agree with the others. Use your knowledge to talk to her about how to keep herself safe. But don't tell her what happened to you until she is an adult.