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Preteens

Moody and losing my daughter

21 replies

Icantfindausername · 29/09/2018 17:16

Please help
I feel like I'm losing my daughter she's moody and doesn't want to talk or so anything. She not interested in anything I suggest and she just sits on her phone or watching tv. She won't talk or join in conversations - we have always been close and I feel like I am constantly moaning at her and she just rolls her eyes at me. I'm fed up of it and don't know what to do!

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Maurice169 · 02/10/2018 09:59

Hi
I could have written your post myself?!
We’re going through a real difficult time with our 12 1/2 year old daughter. She’s constantly on her phone (head phones on); takes herself off to her room and has totally cut us off. We’re lucky if we get an occasional grunt, as she passes.
She’s doing ok at school, has lots of friends, is out on weekends socialising etc; but her Dad and I are public enemy no.1.
I had to laugh at the ‘eye rolling ‘ comment; dd has totally perfected that!
What worries me most is she and her Dad are both short tempered and a heated discussion can go to nuclear in 0-10 seconds:((
It’s getting to the point where they almost can’t be in the same room.
I feel I’m the referee in the middle?
I think it’s just a stage she’s going through, she’s trying to find her independence. I have 2 teenage nieces, ones just turned 18 and is now a ‘darling’, the 15 year old is still quite challenging.

But yes, like you said..’the feeling of losing her’; I think the little girl has gone and I’m dealing with a young adult.

I don’t think we’re the only ones going through this?!?!
How old is your daughter?

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JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/10/2018 08:38

It all sounds pretty normal OP. How old is your DD?

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Beamur · 03/10/2018 08:49

Normal, but doesn't have to be confrontational. When you say you're always moaning at her - what are you moaning about?
I think parenting teens is a bit like toddlers (but with the scope of more interesting conversation) be consistent with important boundaries, but pick your battles.
My older SC's were incredibly messy in their rooms, but I kept the rules simple - if they wanted laundry done, I would do it, but dirty clothes had to be put in the basket or bag (I even provided one in their rooms to make it super easy) anything on the floor would remain there. When they got to about 14 or 15 I stopped doing ironing for them. I would close the door to their bedrooms if the mess was annoying me and maybe once a month would ask them to clean and tidy up their rooms a bit (without complaining and by the end of that day). Which they usually complied with.
Do something nice with your DD occasionally too, something she really likes, even if you don't.

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Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 03/10/2018 08:58

Remember: this isn’t personal.

It is entirely normal for them to edge away from us. There will be glimmers of the child she still is and they make it all worthwhile. We hang onto those.

Three of my four have done/are doing this. There has been some arguements but on the whole I let them get on with it. It means that when I do enter into a conflict (and it IS a conflict) it means it’s serious. (Usually to do with going out/coming home). There are some things I won’t budge on. Boundaries are firm, battles are picked. We have a pretty calm home - not always though. They are very affectionate still, that’s something that wasn’t lost. They know they are loved and i’m Always here for them, even when they are horrible. I walk away A LOT from moodiness. Repeatedly reminding myself ‘it’s not personal. It’s not personal’.

I’m absolutely dreading DC4, my last baby, doing this. She’s 11. But it’s going to happen.

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pumpkinpie01 · 03/10/2018 09:01

I’m presuming she’s 11 -13 ? Quite normal behaviour and not a lot you can do I’m afraid! It’s her hormones they are raging at this age. She will be back don’t worry just ride the storm

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Icantfindausername · 10/10/2018 18:10

Thanks everyone you have made me feel better. She was 12 in June. Ive tried hard the last few days to ignore the mess and close her bedroom door it's hard but I feel I'm moaning less. The moaning doesn't get me anywhere either as she takes no notice: no one said it was this hard haha! x

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SpoonBlender · 10/10/2018 19:46

Go read up on how to deal with teenagers - it's a proper research subject. The little darlings are so objectionable because their brains are fucked up - they're in the midst of neural rewiring and lose the ability to comprehend normal humans. They actually don't understand when you tell them to "tidy your room before dinner" or whatever. It's not her fault! Biology does this, she has no choice.

Start here for a primer:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/health-matters/201006/the-teenagers-brain

Good set of stuff here too - www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/adolescence

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StormyLovesOdd · 15/10/2018 13:56

Can I join in, my DD is nearly 11 so starting a bit early but she has already perfected the eye rolling and everything I say is wrong.

She speaks to me and her Dad with contempt sometimes thought and I am going to tackle her about that this evening, wish me luck !

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Icantfindausername · 17/10/2018 16:36

How did it go @StormyLovesOdd xx

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ponzusoup · 27/10/2018 22:55

Place marking due to link to excellent resources. Thanks.

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dontknowwhatnametochoose · 30/10/2018 10:47

My daughters exactly the same! 11 years old and we're completely separating our bond at the moment. We used to have a great bond but recently she's changed, for the worst. Attitude of a teen, moans at everything I ask her to do, even if it's something small. And she even moans at me and tells me i fry her brain or do her head in. Doesn't help that me and her dad split up and she's always bad mouthing me to him & makes out like he's so perfect... because every 2 times a month she goes there he doesn't ask her to do anything, she gets what she wants and quite honestly him and his girlfriend are slagging me off in front of her sometimes. Always moaning about money- bare in mind he never paid for her until this year... I'm loosing her and it's awful, I want our bond back and her behaviour to be back to normal!

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Unusualusernames · 18/12/2018 18:51

Oh poor you. I’ve had a little taste of this and it’s really hard. I have a 12 year old and luckily I have a close cousin who has girls of a similar age and she’s also in the same boat. It’s really quite upsetting when you feel like you’ve lost your little buddy. I’ve surpised myself in finding it so hard because I was a little shit as a teenager and I can remember being like this myself. I guess we have to just remind ourself that it is part of growing up and acknowledge it’s ok for us to find it hard going.

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Icantfindausername · 18/12/2018 22:20

Thank you you're message is very kind. It seems easier lately but so hard I thought it would get so much easier when they grew up but it really doesn't! x

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corythatwas · 25/12/2018 08:56

For an awful lot of children it gets a LOT easier once they are actually old enough to have the control their brains are geared up to want. But the wanting has to start first, at least in a complex society like ours where young teenagers can't be young adults though nutritional standards mean they hit puberty earlier than in the past. Try not to take it personally, encourage her to take responsibility in small matters and feel good about her abilities. My 18yo is lovely. And he even listens to me from time to time.

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buzby1977 · 02/05/2019 14:01

I am going through the same thing with my daughter she is 11. She constantly screams and shouts at me, my husband and her little sister. Anything I ask her to do results in an argument and she has the eye rolling down to a fine art 🙄

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Rowgtfc72 · 16/05/2019 09:27

buzby mine was the same at 11. Then she started her periods at almost 12. Still confrontational but decided less prickly! I put it down to a hormone thing. Now it's just a few days every four weeks.

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icemaiden1970 · 23/05/2019 22:34

I’m also going through this but my DD is 19!
I’m a single parent, we moved house just before Xmas and since then she’s been disrespectful, nasty, selfish and does nothing to help me with housework.
I’m at my wits end!

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Hithere12 · 23/05/2019 22:39

she and her Dad are both short tempered and a heated discussion can go to nuclear in 0-10 It’s getting to the point where they almost can’t be in the same room

Oh dear god. You have TWO kids! He is supposed to be the adult not match a fucking moody teenager.

Tell him to behave like the adult and not behave like an aggressive moody teenager back. That is absolutely ridiculous behaviour from a grown man.

She is hormonal and acting like a teenager, what’s his excuse?

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1happyhippie · 23/05/2019 22:45

I could have wrote this post op!
My dd is 12, and has an awful attitude. Doesn’t want to talk to me, join in anything or be included in what’s going on. She can be rude, bad tempered and lazy.
She is however, doing really well at school, has lots of friends and is lovely to the dog 😂, so not all bad.
I have to keep reminding myself what I was like at this age. My parents say I was much worse!
I just keep things light, ask her about her day and let her know I’m here.
Hard work though.

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hillbilly · 26/05/2019 18:09

It's normal. Very good reading for what lies ahead is Untangled by Lisa Damour. Very readable and is really helping me with life with an almost 14 yr old daughter 😀

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billsnewhat · 28/05/2019 18:57

Absolutely the same here at almost 13. She is so miserable when at home and glued to her phone hates doing anything with us and gets so stressed out trying to look perfect when we do go out and it is all my faullt she smudges her make up or her hair looks lank. My dd however is struggling with independance she doesn't like socialising with friends if there is no adult and she panics so much over tiny things so if she is out with friends she will phone me over such little things. She often thinks boys are following her, she panics that if she goes out with her friends they may leave her. She has decided she hates shopping as all her mates want to do is try lots of clothes on and she doesnt like the getting changed and changed again. I often have to go and pick her up when she has a little panic attack because she can't cope without me. It is like a teenage form of separation anxciety!!!

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