Preteens
How can DD end a toxic friendship?
SnobblyBobbly · 15/09/2018 01:06
DD is coming up 12 and has had a friend - previously best friend - who has been making life difficult for the past few years with various forms of excluding DD, such as keeping ‘secrets’/Not inviting or accepting inviatations from DD but will from others, making up extravagant lies to try and outdo DD etc.
Part of the issue is that she then harasses DD if she tries to distance herself I.e. A classic behaviour is that she excludes DD from the group by telling her she’s having ‘a private conversation’, but will then follow her or repeatedly text her and send voice notes asking if she’s ok/why are you upset with me? DD tries to rise above it, and says she’s fine, there’s no problem, but the girl will continue asking until DD admits she was feeling left out, and then berates her saying that DD can’t tell her what she can and can’t do. 
Of course when explaining to an adult/teacher - she’s simply a concerned friend worried that DD is upset......
They’re now at secondary and worst luck, are in the same bloody form and two weeks in, we’ve got the same shit happening.
They walk to school together and DD wants to stop walking with her, but feels bad because this would mean the girl is walking alone (She currently joins DD and DD’s good boy friend - who she says she hates - for the walk).
I don’t like the thought of her walking alone either which frustrates me because I know this girl will drop DD like a brick when she finds a better option.
I strongly suspect this girl will continue to get worse as she gets older, and am wondering if I should request that DD is moved to the other half of the year group - but then DD loses the rest of her friends in the process.
The girl has had a shitty time over the past few years as her parents had a messy break up, which is why we’ve let so much slide, but DD can’t bear the brunt of her unhappiness anymore. It’s just not fair.
How can we phase this girl out and what’s the best way to deal with the hounding that will follow? Has anyone had any success in this kind of situation?
(Just to add detail, I have spoken to her Mum about this in the past who was shocked by the news, attempted to speak her daughter who then became hysterical and refused to go to school. I think she’s happy believing there’s no problem again.)
Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 15/09/2018 02:05
Hmmm, tricky. The only help I can offer, for what it’s worth, is that they do tend to make new friends at secondary school so hopefully in a few weeks this friendship will be fading.
My dd is one year older than yours and hero-worshipped her best friend in primary but even then I could see the nasty little tricks this so-called best friend played (totally blanked my dd when it suited her, and had her in floods of tears one day in final year of primary by telling her she no longer wanted to be best friends when they both moved to the same secondary.... only to change her mind a few days later). Thankfully dd met a lovely girl at school she is now best friends with, is part of a strong group of school pals and realises how one-sided her previous friendship was.
I wouldn’t change your dd’s form but I would encourage her to focus on making new friendships - it’ll also help her to ignore any hounding. Hopefully this girl will get the message. Hope all goes well for your dd x
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 15/09/2018 02:27
I always said to dc’s that I would never tell them who they could be friends with, particularly at 12.
You keep them safe, but when it comes to relationships they really have got to work it out themselves.
If you give dd strength and courage she will sort it.
For reference my 15yo dd has been friends with a girl that I disliked on sight, I deeply disapproved of and really wanted this girl out of my daughters life.
My take was ‘I trust you, and your judgment ‘
Well, dd has come to her own decision that it’s going nowhere cos said ‘friend’ is unreliable, untrustworthy and flaky as all fuck.
Give your child the tools to deal with shit. You can’t fight her battles
Snitzelvoncrumb · 15/09/2018 03:03
I grew up with a friend like that, I didn't escape until I finished school. It really made my school life horrible, not being able to have a proper friend. Now my daughter has a friend like that, and I think I have convinced her not to play with that girl.
Keep the communication open with your daughter. Tell her it's ok if she wants to move on, there will be others who will be much better friends. Let the girl walk with her, but still walk with the other friend. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Good luck
SnobblyBobbly · 15/09/2018 08:59
That’s my concern really Snitzel. And the frustrating thing is that DD knows how to handle it, she’s pretty mature when it comes to reading people, which has surprised me at times. We talk it through when things blow up and look at ways to put some space between them, but the girl shoehorns herself back in and the cycle starts again.
We have the unfortunate connection of their brothers being friends so they find themselves at the same events - sometimes just the two of them and then it’s fine, but if one more person is involved, the girl will instantly ditch DD. I’ll begin to dial the boys friendship down a bit more.
I mean if she doesn’t like DD that’s fine, no one is everyone’s cup of tea, but then why not just bugger off and let her do her own thing?
The subtle manipulations really get to me because as an adult I can see what she’s doing a mile off. I suppose I’ll keep talking, reassuring and looking at opportunities for new friendships - it’s exhausting! But at least there are more children in the mix this time to hopefully dilute the situation x
JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/09/2018 17:33
I don’t know if you’ve see A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Trouble but it might be exactly what you’re after, especially if you are following Itslooking’s advice 
SnobblyBobbly · 19/09/2018 22:25
Thanks jilted I have! I actually bought that for her last year when this stuff was going on - think I saw it suggested on here actually.
I’ll get it out again, it might give DD a few more ideas x
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