Selfish and emotionally immature 9 yo girl

[Blinkingblimey]

Advance apologies for the essay😬! Please let me start this by saying I absolutely love my dd and I am posting here for help & advice as I am desperate to help her, please do not assume from my honest description of her behaviour that she’s not loved. DD9 is super bright, sporty and musical however seemingly has very little emotional intelligence. She is driven, stubborn and competitive and will always push to the front to get what she wants and will more often than not strop mightily if she doesn’t get it. She finds most things pretty easy and will make sure all her peers know how much better she is.....and then wonders why she has trouble making friends. She is utterly confident that she knows better than everyone (including me!) and when things go wrong (as they often do) will blame everyone else but herself. Sometimes things go wrong that are not her fault and her sense of injustice is volcanic. I spend a lot of time with her after things have gone wrong/meltdowns etc trying to discuss how her behaviour/words created the situation, how her actions affected the others involved, how she would feel if this was done to her etc...... some of the time she’ll kick off again/stick her fingers in her ears & sing as she just can’t face the responsibility for what she’s done but when I can keep her calm and chat it through she can understand how her actions were unacceptable/mean and feels remorse. Essentially she seems a spoilt brat - but she really isn’t...she has no screens of her own, tv is minimal but removed (amongst other things) as a consequence, she does her chores (laying table, emptying dishwasher, helping cook etc...though she enjoys that bit) without hassle most of the time and can often be great company. Sometimes I wonder if her single mindedness is indicative of the autistic spectrum but equally it could just be personality. She spoke to me last night about her difficulty in making friends and I explained (again) she needs to be kind, listen to others & not steam roll everyone to do things her way....she says she understands and will try but it doesn’t happen. I have 2 other dcs who do not have these issues so I don’t think my parenting is entirely at fault and I have done a parenting course but that didn’t really help either. So can anyone advise me what next? Any parenting books /techniques you can recommend? And if I were to seek professional help where do I start?

[Crusoe]

She sounds exactly like my 11 year old ds. Honestly he displays exactly the same traits and is sometimes such hard work as a result. He doesn’t have any real friends because he has to show off, prove he is better and have things on his own terms. He knows how to be a good friend but just can’t seem to put it into practice consistently.
He can be such a lovely boy but is socially and emotionally so immature.
No advice OP but lots of sympathy.

[Blinkingblimey]

Thanks Crusoe, it does at least help to know i’m not alone! If i’m being honest i’ll admit that I was quite similar (though not quite as bad!) as a preteen.....however I look back and wish someone had helped me see the error of my ways, I was so lonely really and always felt left out...I can see now it was my own fault. I only wish there was a way I could help her ‘grow out of it’. My worry is that the reason she is so demanding of attention is that deep down she must be incredibly insecure and feels her only validation is being the best😟. I am just clueless at how to help change this. Anyone got any pearls of wisdom?