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Preteens

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Original poster

Appropriate age for leaving child alone

30 replies

NeeChee · 16/07/2018 19:43

DSS is 10, 11 in 2 months.
Me and DP were discussing his childcare plans for the summer holidays, and he mentioned that his mum is thinking of leaving DS alone at home whilst she is at work.
He is quite mature, and I think he would likely be fine, but me and DP have never left him home alone at all, never mind for all day. I personally think it'd be a big jump to go from nothing to a full 8/9/10 hour day.
What is everyone else's experience?
I think it would be better to phase him into it, maybe an hour or a couple of hours at first.
I think it would be good to encourge him to be more independent. He'll be moving up schools next September (2019), and we're thinking of letting him make his own way to and from school, and he'd probably be alone for an hour or two before one of us arrived home from work. At the moment he goes to breakfast/after school club and is then picked up, usually by DP.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 16/07/2018 19:46

No way - 11 far too young to be left alone all day

387I2 · 16/07/2018 19:46

Well, personally I don't think it sounds like such a great idea, a full day seems far too long at that age.

387I2 · 16/07/2018 19:47

Also, why is he not with you, why with your partners mum while she is working?

truckerswife18 · 16/07/2018 19:49

My daughter is the same age- it would be too long for her. I occasionally leave her at home if I pop to the shops but haven't left her for more than 45 mins and when I get home she's normally glad!

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 16/07/2018 19:49

A few hours maybe, probably not all day but it depends on the child. I would let my 13yr old though go out all day independently. It depends if it was just one day or five days a week.

Titsywoo · 16/07/2018 19:50

Sounds way too long. I've left ds 11 for up to 2 hours at a time. Dd 13 I'd probably leave all day but she's nearly 14.

Original poster
NeeChee · 16/07/2018 19:51

I think he's too young to be left at the moment. Me and DP weren't planning to, it was his mum's idea.

OP posts:
AsAProfessionalFekko · 16/07/2018 19:53

Definitely too young for that length of time.

feathermucker · 16/07/2018 19:55

My son was 12 in June and spent a few odd days at home alone last Summer. We led up to it gradually.

He had 2 close neighbours for support if needed but he was fine. He kept in close contact via text.

It's an individual choice and only you know if he's mature enough.

Original poster
NeeChee · 16/07/2018 19:56

Sorry if I was confusing. It was DSS' mum who mentioned leaving him home alone while she is at work.
They have most of the Summer break covered, apart from a couple of weeks. He is going to his grandparents a few of the days (on his dad's side, his maternal granparents are not in good health).
DP and EXW have joint custody of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeeChee · 16/07/2018 20:00

We do have very lovely neighbours who I'm sure would be happy we could tell him to contact if he did need adult help, if we do decide to leave him alone for short periods in the future.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 16/07/2018 20:00

It really depends on how sensible the individual child is. My two had to spend school “ in service” days alone at home from the age of nine, as I couldn’t get time off work to cover them. They knew how to phone me and they knew where the nearest non working mum neighbour lived if needed for an emergency. I left food in the fridge for them, and they looked after themselves fine. I was widowed when they were babies, so brought them up alone and encouraged them to be self reliant out of necessity. They could go to the village shop alone from the age of four (had to, as I had flu and we’d run out of milk!).
An eleven year old really should be able to cope. He’s almost senior school age. The responsibility will be good for him, unless he’s known to be completely lacking in common sense!

Original poster
NeeChee · 16/07/2018 20:05

unless he’s known to be completely lacking in common sense....

Haha, I suppose we've yet to find out. I think he could benefit from learning to look out for himself more now he's a bit older.
I'm betting he'd just sit on the PlayStation all day anyway!
He's been shown how to make toast, and use the microwave so could feed himself, or make a sandwich. I'd just worry if there was an emergency, what would he do?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 16/07/2018 20:20

I think you are doing him a real disservice if he is 10, coming up for 11, and has never been left at home for short spells of time.
As you have said, it is a good thing to build it up, gradually over time.

If, in 15months time, you are expecting him to come in from shool,open up an empty house, and entertain himself for a couple of hours, then it makes a LOT of sense to go out - say to do the supermarket shop - and leav him home alone, now. So he gets used to being at home alone without having to open up and enter the house himself. Gets used to being on his own for a while. Gets used to be home in the light, before you then start extending to letting himself in / being home for a couple of hours / being home after dark.

I personally think end of Yr5 is too young to be home alone all day, but sometimes needs must. It will also depend on circumstances (child's personality / how far away parent is / how easily contactable parent it / how realistic it is for parent to leave if they need to / proximity of helpful neighbours or back up care / etc).

Original poster
NeeChee · 16/07/2018 20:31

@BackforGood thank you for the suggestions. I don't have any children myself, so these things are good to know :). You're right, this next year will be key in preparing him to be more independent, I think we need to start very soon.
I don't know DSS' mum's routine, whether she leaves him at all yet, but I'm assuming not.
I'll suggest to DP at the weekend, leaving him for a short period, see how we get on!

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 16/07/2018 21:00

I'd happily leave my 11 year old at home for a day (and do), but we have slowly built up both our DC confidence to reach that stage from the age of 8. They know what to do in case of emergency, and we have electric gates which means we know no random callers will be at the door.

I would do a day, but not consecutive days, as I think they would get bored, start to fight.

BerylStreep · 16/07/2018 21:04

It also helps that I work 10 minutes away from home

Original poster
NeeChee · 16/07/2018 21:13

I'm a 30/40 minute drive away at work. DP can be anywhere in the country, he drives a lot for work.

OP posts:
Arum51 · 16/07/2018 21:22

I was 7 when my mum went back to work full time. I had 2 younger siblings, and there was no concept of 'childcare', except for the expectation that I would look after the younger ones. If one of us was ill, my dad would come home at lunchtime to check on us, but that was about it. We were fine. We had many adventures Grin

One of the things I remembered from my own childhood was that when something did go wrong, we didn't have anyone to contact, and just had to make stuff up ourselves. So when my 11 year old had to be left alone after school/inset days/holiday etc, that was one thing I made sure she had.

As long as they know the rules, they're fine:

  1. Don't answer the door. It's not for you.
  2. Ignore the landline. It's not for you. People who know you will call your mobile.
  3. Call me at X time. Don't miss this call, or I'll panic.
  4. If something odd happens, call me. If you can't get me immediately, call X. If X isn't available immediately, call Y. And so on.
  5. These are your chores. I expect them to be done when I get home, or you'll be in trouble.

Incidentally, your son should probably know how to do a bit more than make toast. If nothing else, you could buy him some microwave meals? And be clear who you are okay with him allowing to come round, and who you aren't. He's going to spend all day playing Fortnight. He'll be fine.

theboxofdelights · 16/07/2018 21:29

I wouldn’t, DD is just 12. We leave her for a couple of hours in the evening, always home by 9, or for a 9-12 stint during the day. She can walk to my work and spend a couple of hours reading and making the tea/photocopying or filing (life skills for work!) interspersed with going to the library and doing a bit of shopping, but I wouldn’t want her to be alone for a whole working day.

387I2 · 17/07/2018 05:55

Maybe he could go and stay with some school friend's family for a couple of days to "bridge the gap"? That way he'll be well taken care of and will have a friend to play with. Sounds much more fun. I have no children myself but recall from childhood having friends coming over and staying for a week or so. Assume now that their parents were working at the time, although it didn't bother me in the least at the time, I was quite oblivious to why those friends came to stay, and didn't care either - the important part to me (then, aged the same age as your partner's son) was to have someone around to play with.

bellinisurge · 17/07/2018 06:24

Don't know how old your mum is. I'm in my fifties. I was never left alone at aged 10/11. And that was the slapdash 70s. Don't know any peers who were either.

cricketmum84 · 17/07/2018 06:42

Personally I think 11 is too young to be left all day - a couple of hours once they start high school is enough for now.

Speaking as the mother of a 13 yr old DS coming to the end of his 2nd year of high school who has left the gas on twice in the last few weeks and he is only alone for an hour until we get home!!!

Original poster
NeeChee · 17/07/2018 07:54

I'm in my mid thirties. I don't recall being left alone until I was a bit older, about 14/15 I think.
But the mum had a term time job, so it was never an issue for us.

OP posts:
blackbirdbluebottle · 17/07/2018 08:00

That’s fine to be left alone. If you make easy meals so uncle bens bag of rice or a ready meal then they are fine on their own. I was left on my own at that age whilst parents were at work