helping my 10yo with friendship issues

[harrassedmum18]

Hi I'm after a bit of advice please. My 10yo moved schools after yr3 following a year of bullying. She is now at the end of yr5. Since she moved schools she's slowly regained her confidence and been very happy. She is particularly close friends with another little girl in the new school. We know the parents and we've spent time together as families etc. Since half term my daughter has been coming home with little stories about how this girl has been cross with her, or ignored her at lunchtime, etc. nothing out of the ordinary really for school life. I've been trying to help my daughter to see that she can rise above these things and forgive and forget. Anyway, imagine my surprise when the other girls mum contacted me, asking to meet up to discuss how horrible my child has been to hers. My instant reaction was to quiz my daughter (she had no idea what she'd done wrong), and then to try to placate things by apologising to the mother, to listen to the incidents where my daughter has been unkind and to say I will do all I can to prevent it from happening again. I also spoke to their form teacher about it, who spoke to the girls separately and also together to try to address the issues. Now I'm in the dog house with my daughter, as she feels badly done by. she says this girl has been equally mean to her, and she doesn't understand why I've not stuck up for her. I was literally trying to knock the problem on the head, and to ensure that the other girl was not left feeling miserable. I have a lingering doubt now and feel that possibly I've not handled things right. I'm thinking that we just put some space between the two families for the summer and hope for the best next term. But now the other mum has suggested play dates and the little girl is trying to face time my daughter, having originally asked me to tell my child to stay away from their child. I feel totally out of my depth here - what do I do if things continue next term? have I handled this all wrongly?

Hi

I would be clear with the mother - the girls were mean to each other, it wasn't one sided, and perhaps there should be a little space between them. If she asks why this wasn't raised earlier, you can give the reasons you've given above. A bit of space might lead to other friendships which may be good at this early age.

One way of dealing with kids when they say so and so has been mean is to say “perhaps they’re having a bad day, next time they are like that with you, just go and play with someone who’s in a better mood.” This doesn’t say that the other child is in the wrong, simply not in a good frame of mind at the time. What it also does is give your DD permission to go and play with other children. If you spend a lot of time with the other family and this friendship has been encouraged, she may feel that she has to play with her, no matter how they both are feeling towards one another.

I was literally trying to knock the problem on the head, and to ensure that the other girl was not left feeling miserable.. I can understand why your DD isn’t happy too. It seems like you’ve valued your friendship with the other family over what your DD has been saying. This might not be the case, but from the outside that seems the obvious interpretation and the one your DD seems to have made.