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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

DS(10) doesn't know his real dad

20 replies

DeliaK · 03/07/2018 09:29

I had my wonderful DS 10 years ago and I truly do love him but I haven't told him who his real father is. He has met his father but he isn't aware that he is his father. The father is aware of DS and does want to build a relationship. My DS keeps on asking questions about his father and all I've said is the last name. Myself and the father are not in a relationship and weren't at the time either. Should I tell DS who is father is? He really wants to know 'Mr.Mime'.

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JiltedJohnsJulie · 07/07/2018 13:55

Why wouldn’t you tell him OP?

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dinosaurkisses · 07/07/2018 13:59

Is there some reason you haven’t told him?

Short of the father being a totally shit person I don’t understand why you’d deprive your son of that relationship, especially if the man in question is keen to build one.

My ex’s mother never told him who his dad was or the circumstances of his birth and it had a lasting impact on his relationships and self worth, but he never felt he could ask his mum for more information. I don’t think she even appreciated the damage she’d done by not being honest with him.

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NorthernSpirit · 07/07/2018 17:43

As per the above poster, my mother never knew who her dad was and when she asked my grandmother it was hidden and she wouldn’t tell my mum.

It really damaged my mum.

You should let your son know. He has a right, don’t hide it.

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Teggun · 07/07/2018 17:48

Why have you not told him?

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frenchfancy · 07/07/2018 17:50

Yes you should definitely tell him.

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Dermymc · 07/07/2018 17:52

Why have you not told him?

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TeenTimesTwo · 07/07/2018 18:39

Definitely tell him.
In adoption we are taught not to keep big stuff secret, but to tell age appropriate. Tell him at the start of the school holidays so if he has a wobble he has time to get used to it.

Your real dad is XXX

Why didn't you tell me before?
I thought you were too young / I didn't know how to word it. I'm sorry I should have.

Can I meet him / get to know him better?
Sorry no because ….
XXX hasn't wanted to build a relationship before but I will ask again …
Yes of course ….

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Beaverhausen · 19/08/2018 21:19

My dd father has not wanted to know from day 1, she has never asked and has never been curious. She has a fabulous step dad who has fulfilled that role for the past 5 years, she will be 11 in 2 months.

Not sure what to do when she is older but will cross that bridge if she ever asks.

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Milan05 · 29/08/2018 11:27

Unless it is a really disturbing thing you shall tell him.

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twosunbathingdogs · 29/08/2018 11:32

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NewName54321 · 29/08/2018 13:10

A girl I knew grew up believing her stepdad was her dad.
Her parents split up when she was a pre-teen and the stepdad only wanted contact with her siblings who actually were his children.

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juneau · 29/08/2018 13:12

Yes, you should tell him - he has a right to know who he is and you seem to be friendly with the dad so why the secret?

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MargoLovebutter · 29/08/2018 13:16

Why haven't you told him DeliaK? I think that is the crucial missing part here. You must have had a reason, which may be significant and make people consider whether telling your DS is a good idea or not.

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Icklepup · 29/08/2018 13:20

Why haven't you told him??

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ScattyCharly · 29/08/2018 13:23

Is there a problem with this man meaning that you don’t want your ds to know him?

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DeliaK · 04/09/2018 11:11

My parents are not big fans of Mr.Mime and I would hate to cut them out of both mine and DS's lives. Mr.Mime is a bit of a controversial person in my town due to his previous political aligments. To cut a long story short Mr.Mime was part of a far left group and that left him hated by many people. Overall he is a good person but his past makes me worried about what effect he may have on DS.

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timetodance · 12/09/2018 21:00

I think it's very important that you be honest with him and tell him who his dad is. I didn't meet my father until I was 10. My parents were never in a relationship and it's taken me a long time to accept that I don't have that 'normal' relationship with him! Although I do love him and see him regularly....he's great with my children etc. I miss what I never had when growing up.

Regardless of what others think of your son's dad, that doesn't change the fact he is his father! If your son wants to know then don't be the one to stand in the way of it....he will end up holding it against you one day.

He is old enough now to ask questions and hopefully strong enough to hear the answers! X

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CharlieandLolaCat · 12/09/2018 21:11

I would also say tell him. You're worried about the effect his father will have on him but in my view this will be more profound the longer you leave it, he'll have built him up to be a hero in his mind. The sooner you tell him the sooner you demystify him.

My 4 yr old DS is donor conceived and I have always been appropriately honest with him mainly because I don't want to keep secrets (and I'm an open book anyway) and also because I don't want him to think his 'dad' is something he's not.

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KiethBbqson · 30/08/2019 00:18

Sorry to reopen an old thread but I felt this was important. While many may see his ideological views as controversial, and certainly something I cannot agree with, I think it is vital for your DS to get to know and form his own opinions about his father, I think it should be up to him if he wants to get to know "Mr Mime". I was in a similar situation when my DD was younger and she decided that she wanted to get to know her mother and know they are rather close and I don't think you should get in the way of what could be.

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HQuokonface · 10/09/2019 21:41

DeliaK, I think you just need to do whatever you believe is right and best for your son. I completely understand why if you think it is best that your DS doesn't know his true dad then keep it that way. If he is so far left you wouldn't want those attitudes rubbing off, you don't know the effect that could have on a child. Kids these days need competition and need to learn not everything is handed to them on a silver plater!!! Kids these days that idolise the old USSR with Stalin and Lenin are the ones who were given participation trophies! Imagine if everyone "shared the wealth" with exams and everyone got the same grade, no one needs to compete, no one needs to try for their exams, no one needs to try and get a job because they can rely on the state to give them all their benefits without effort or work! That's what the EU wanted to bring upon this great country and it's all these "EDGY" kids that voted remain!!!! Just stick to your guns DeliaK and don't let anyone tell you you're wrong! Raise YOUR son how YOU want to!!!