If you have an 11 year old what's their bedtime and routine?

[user09876543211234567890]

We're struggling with bedtimes at the moment, DS11 still likes us to take him up to bed, but he lays on the floor saying he's too tired and it can take a long time to get him to go to the toilet, brush his teeth and get him up and into his bed. Some nights he picks on some tiny thing that has annoyed him and then starts getting angry about it, talking himself into a big angry tizzy about nothing and this then takes 45-60 mins to calm down, resulting in a later bedtime and more tiredness the next day. He insists that everyone at school goes to bed later than him but I think the reality is that he needs more sleep than he's getting.

So I can compare notes (and get some ideas) what time does your 11 year old go to bed and do they take themselves up or do you take them?

DS(10) goes up at 9, lights out by about 9.15.

I check on him when I go to bed at 10 sometimes he's awake, sometimes dozing and sometimes snoring!

He still likes me or DH to take him and tuck him in - which I don't mind because he doesn't faff on and I think well there'll come a day he doesn't want me to anymore

11 yrs old, Y6. Goes to bed at 8.30. Organises his own ablutions, sometimes wants to read/chat with us in the hour after younger brother is ( supposedly) asleep, sometimes does his own thing in his room. No drama. He wakes at 6.30 so gets 9-10 hours sleep even if he takes a while to drift off.

It sounds like attention seeking behaviour which you're feeding into to some extent op if he mucks about at bedtime have a consequence ready to see through. Some kids need firmer boundaries....

DH and I are going to have a proper talk tomorrow to work out a plan. We need to transition him to going up to bed on his own but my fear is that he'll just do all the laying around on the floor in the living room instead of the bathroom and that it'll take even longer to get him up to his bedroom on the top floor. But maybe if we combine it with a consequence we might have success. I hope we can fix it before he starts secondary in September, I'm so miserable with this going on every evening.

Cloudtree bed for 7.30 and has a story read to him still, really? Don't you think that's babying him a little? My 7 year old reads to himself and goes to bed at 7.30!

Nope. he's actually not 11 until next week but he's up early at 6.30 and so going upstairs at 7.30 is fine still. I suspect we'll relax it a little when he goes to senior school in September - we did with DS1 who is now Year 8 and goes up at 9 (8.15 in Year 7). He loves being read to and its a nice time. He's currently having Lord of the Rings read to him and is also reading the Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flammel series to himself. Is there some sort of cut off age for enjoying listening to stories? Both he and DS1 read loads for pleasure so I'm happy that our way has worked for them. I actually think its really sad that you don't read to your 7YO

I'm with you Cloudtree, I still read to my eleven year old and will do for as long as she wants me too. She's a voracious reader and reads tons on her own, but it doesn't replace our time reading together.

Her routine is we read together from eight til half past, teeth brushed, in bed and reads herself til nine or quarter past at a push. Up at seven on school days.

Is he lying on the floor and having tizzies as a time-wasting strategy? so he can go to bed later "like everyone else"? These light summer nights are lovely... maybe dislikes going to bed when it's daylight...
If so, only a few weeks of term to go, I'd renegotiate a later bedtime ?( in return for him getting himself ready promptly). And then you just go up and tuck him in/ lights out. See how it goes- if he doesn't keep his side of the bargain or he's difficult to get up in the mornings, then revisit.
My Ds2 is Yr6 - still 10. On school nights, has a quick bath 8:45, reads til about 9:45, gets up 6:45.
Loves staying up late at weekends-11 or later- it's a reward/ treat for good behaviour! In truth, he sometimes feels groggy getting up on Monday morning ( don't we all) but fine by the time he's had breakfast.

Bed at 9.30pm, up at 7am.

Twin year 7 boys (just 12)

Bed ranges from 9.30-10. They get up 7.30 so 9-10hrs.

They do wash/teeth/pjs earlier before they get too tired.

My year 7 dd says she's not tired when her siblings go to bed and to be fair gets up at 6.30 no problem. She goes upstairs about 8.30 or 9.00. Either reads on her own or I read to her for a while, then I still sing to her (she likes it) and say night night lights off around 9.30 or 10.00.

On the reading front I also think it's sad that people stop reading to their children as soon as the child can read. Mine loves it and we sometimes read more mature books together than what she would read on her own. Maybe Ops son would benefit from the downtime of someone else reading to him.

No need to rush to them going to bed on their own. Mine can put herself to bed if needed and has been on residential trips but it's nice to make the most of the time, they grow up too soon.

Dd11, usually goes up about 8 ish. There's usually a fair bit of faffing but she's usually in bed and reading before 8.30. How long she reads depends on any number of things. I go to bed about 9-9.30, if she's not already switched off, as it were, we have a mini ritual we do to switch her off. She goes to sleep listening to the familiar bit of an audio book via a mini speaker set to run for 30 mins.
The lighter it is the more faff there is.
She wakes up in time to say goodbye to dh about 6.30.

12 yr old, bed at 9 and up at 6.15 on a school day

Assessed for what, @user09876543211234567890?

If he had any SNs, wouldn't there be problems at other times too? And if his bedtime behaviour is better in holidays, that could be because he's more rested and having lie-ins, but could also be because he's free of the pressures of school. Is he having problems at school?

My dc same age does exactly the same re lying on the floor like a dead weight saying they are too tired to move and also the bedtime tantrums. I try to encourage her to get ready earlier which sometimes works/sometimes doesn’t. However she does have sn and has melatonin to help her sleep which works 6 nights out of 7.

I would say don’t make it a battle. Sometimes I just walk away and ignore.

She also needs me to put her bed and settle her as she wouldn’t sleep otherwise. We could not survive without the melatonin (only prescribed by psychiatrist not gp.)

DS1 goes to bed at 8.30, lights out at 9.30. Up at 6.30. He does his own bedtime routine (teeth, pyjamas etc) and comes down for a cuddle.

He has his shower in the morning.

11 seems quite old for a “tizzy”, especially one lasting that long. Is it only bedtime that happens?

@elephantscanring - not assessed for SNs, the child psychologist does an initial assessment of the child to try and get to the bottom of what's triggering the issues and work out an appropriate approach. They can work with families on behaviour issues, anger problems etc and hopefully can advise on best parenting approaches for the individual child and the issues they have. We do have problems at other times as well.

I have a list in my mind of any possible causes (e.g. our parenting, school problems, needs more attention, not getting enough sleep, mental health problems etc etc) but as I say it's a lot of money to spend to go to the child psychologist so my first step is to address the question 'is he getting enough sleep' as I personally think the episodes happen when he's too tired but my husband disagrees and thinks it's attention seeking or mental health problems.

Sounds like keeping a diary is a good first step then. Would be helpful for you and your husband to agree as well... Perhaps the diary will convince him? Best of luck.

My dd who is 9 needs her sleep as she is just like a grumpy hormonal 13 year old but we send her to bed around 8/8.30 to read for 30 mins and then lights out. It's not as perfect as it seems my god it's like debating with a member of parliament every night before she actually goes to bed and suddenly she feels so dehydrated she can't cope and then she will need a 20th hug, and so it goes on.... yes this all gets done in the 30 minutes of reading time but believe or not she gets through a book a week (loves a bit of dork diaries).... we are up at 6am every morning ....

My 10yr old used to be a bit like your 11 yr old. He has ADHD and didn’t realise he was tired, and his behaviour was massively affected by his sleep. WE were referred to the sleep clinic who said we had a perfect routine ( regular, no screens, plenty of exercise etc) and prescribed melatonin. He is now massively different and will (just about) go to bed with minimal fuss around 7.45, then we read to him and he is asleep 8.15 ish

Nearly 11 DD here. On normal days she is in bed any time between 8.15-8.30pm and light out between 8.30-8.45pm.

She gets up at 6.45am which will stay when she starts Secondary in .September

Almost 11 yo here. Should go up to bed at 7.45 in the week. Have a wee, clean teeth, brush hair by herself and then gets a story. Lights out usually 8.30 pm. That’s in the week, Friday and Saturday are a little later.

In reality it might only happen half the time at this time of year depending on what sports the DC have on over the week.

And usually she wants me to go upstairs with her so she can have a chat while she’s on the loo. The joys of being a Mum

She used to dither and try to extend bedtime OP, just like your DS but we said that for every minute past bedtime it takes her to get into bed, she goes to bed 19 minutes earlier the next night. We only ever had to do it once and now she just goes, and is tired and goes to sleep after her story.

Son gets up at 7, goes to bed at 9 we tell him to stop reading at 10.

Thanks for all the replies, I've found them really helpful. The last two nights we've had successful bedtimes. First of the two I just very casually said that he should go up, do his teeth and wee, then go up and read and I'd come and switch his light off. He started to moan about there not being enough time to read and I said I bet he could do his teeth and wee and be in bed within five mins. He got me to time him - 4 mins - quickest bathroom stop at bedtime ever and no tantrums or tizzies or whining. Miracle!

Last night he was more tired after Scouts and flopped on the sofa (big warming sign). I didn't rise to the bait, stayed relaxed and after a couple of mins offered him a piggy back to the bathroom then lied about having some quick jobs in the kitchen. He came down for me after his teeth and I piggy backed him up the stairs to bed. In his room I could see the signs of over tired tizzy about to begin but there was no time for it to grow as he was in bed and I left fairly swiftly.

Based on that it looks like the key is for me not to be near the bathroom so he has no audience for his over tired craziness.

After dinner, watches TV with us, gets pj's on, brushes teeth, in bed by 9pm. Up at 7.30 am.

Sounds like it’s going great so far. Hope it’s third time lucky tonight