Preteens
My dd (11) has fallen out with her best friend. I'm leaving them to work it out between themselves but ...
imnotspartacus · 12/06/2018 17:05
...I'd like them to make it up before leaving primary.
Dd has had a big treat cancelled through no fault of her own - illness elsewhere. She was gutted. We've tried to come up with alternatives and she's .... getting there with getting over her disappointment.
Best friend got a similar big treat and wasn't particularly sensitive about sharing her joy at it with dd. Dd is very hurt and won't speak to her much anymore.
I have told dd that it is ok to be hurt by this but not to let the hurt take on a life of its own. Dd is basically being monosyllabic with her friend. She has told her how hurt she was. Friend has said sorry but it's not really made it better. It's not descended into nastiness and I would call that out if it did.
They were fast friends. They will be going to different secondary schools. Dd has other friends but not as close as this one was.
If dd doesn't want to make up, I've told her that's ok. But if she does, that's ok too.
Any magic answers out there?
Luckyme2 · 12/06/2018 17:09
I think you've done as much as you can to be honest. I'd probably have said that it's a silly thing to fall out about and your DD needs to think about maybe being a bit nicer now but ultimately if she's feeling hurt and wants to be stubborn about it there's not much you can do.
imnotspartacus · 12/06/2018 17:34
Thanks @Luckyme2 . Sort of my thoughts. I've been a bit vague to avoid identification. It was a REALLY big treat.
Dd has had another couple of big things not go her way (again being a bit vague on purpose) and I have tried to encourage her to get past them - they are things to get past pretty quickly- but this, on top of everything ,just upset her.
Luckyme2 · 12/06/2018 18:08
Oh yes I didn't mean to diminish her hurt. I do think though that regardless of the level of treat lost you can help arm her with the ability to cope with disappointments in the future. Without belittling it maybe just remind her of the value of the friendship. Would it help to suggest having the friend over for some one to one time? That may not be possible but it may be the 'push' she needs to get past it. Good luck!
JoyceDivision · 12/06/2018 18:09
Placemarking for when got DC in bed...have a similar issue
imnotspartacus · 12/06/2018 18:15
I've gently tried to discuss what she is losing. I think all I can do is let it sink in and see what happens.
AsAProfessionalFekko · 12/06/2018 18:21
I had something similar with my sister when we were little. Mum had bought 2 necklaces with tiny charms - one very plain and one with a bluebell.
She showed them to my sister first and asked her to choose and of course she chose the bluebell. I bitched and whined for Scotland over that until my sister said 'look, truthfully what would you have done?'.
Truthfully I'dve taken the bluebell?not that she ever wore the bloody thing anyway as she never was into jewellery!).
Ask her - would she have cancelled her treat (honestly) in solidarity or gone ahead and kept compete radio silence about it?
Then again, if she was saying 'nya nya nya I had my treat and you didn't' that's another matter.
Failingat40 · 12/06/2018 18:22
Your dd needs to learn to be happy for others and that not everything in life is fair.
It sounds as if she's been really unfair to her friend.
Racecardriver · 12/06/2018 18:24
I fell out with my best friend just before we both moved schools. I regretted it for years. I occasionally wonder what happened to her now and whether I could have helped her if we had remained friends (she disclosed sexual abuse to me when we were children but I didn't realise the significance until years later when we had been out of touch for a long time).
RedAndGreenPlaid · 12/06/2018 18:24
May I ask why you want them to make it up before finishing primary? Sometimes people hurt us, and friendships end. Take your DD's lead on this, and be on her side.
imnotspartacus · 12/06/2018 18:30
Thanks @RedAndGreenPlaid . I'd like them to make up because I don't think the pal was nasty. I think she just misjudged it. I think we should forgive misjudgment, particularly by our friends if they apologise. Apparently the pal had been boasting about her fab treat to another girl whose family are really poor. Again, I think it was overexcitement on the pal's part not meanness.
However, I want to support my dd as well. but let her know it is ok to change her mind.
SeaToSki · 12/06/2018 18:40
I have found with my DC that a talk about how someone can have character flaw (a bit braggy, tells tall tales etc) and you can not particularly like that part of them BUT you can just accept it is part of the friend as a whole and still like the person.
No one is perfect and they probably think there are things about us that they dont care for. You wouldnt want someone to decide to not like you just because you had stinky feet or an annoying laugh
imnotspartacus · 12/06/2018 18:46
Thanks @SeaToSki . When I think it is or should be a bit less raw for dd, I will talk more about this with her.
Di11y · 12/06/2018 19:00
Maybe give her an opportunity to talk about her feelings both about missing out and how her friend treated her.
Direct her to think about how she feels about her friend now and what her friend could do to make things better between them.
imnotspartacus · 12/06/2018 19:44
I just had a chat over dinner . She spoke about times she's cut this pal some slack and forgiven her because they are pals. Or were pals. I said that as long as it doesn't become a "thing", I understand why she's still feeling hurt.
NorthernSpirit · 14/06/2018 07:33
So your daughter had a treat cancelled. Children have to learn to cope with disappointment. It happens all the time.
Her friend had a similar treat. Her friend has shared her joy and your daughter is upset. Your daughter now won’t speak to the friend.
Your daughter is jeleous. You need to help her find ways to deal with this jeleousy.
Your daughter is the one in the wrong. Children have to learn to cope with disappointment. Can she not be pleased for the friend instead of jeleous? I would deal with this now before the entitlement becomes even worse. She’ll have far more to deal with when she gets to secondary school.
This is typical ‘snowflake generation’ behaviour - when kids take offence and are less resilient and too emotionally vulnerable because they haven’t developed the skills.
JiltedJohnsJulie · 14/06/2018 07:43
If she’s cut her some slack in the past, it may just be that your DD feels that she’s outgrown this friendship. Does she plan on seeing her at all once they’ve left Primary School?
A Smart Girl’s Guide: Friendship Troubles might help too OP. My DD has a few of the Smart Girl Guides.
imnotspartacus · 14/06/2018 07:52
Thanks all for your input and suggestions. @NorthernSpirit it's a bit more complicated than that but I deliberately haven't put all the ins and outs on purpose. There's some truth in what you say but the pal's bragging (which my dd deliberately doesn't do) has been a bit wearing.
@JiltedJohnsJulie - good idea. PS. I heard the song in your username on the radio the other day and can't get it out of my head 
imnotspartacus · 14/06/2018 08:01
I asked my dd what would have made it better because obviously her pal is entitled to be excited about her holiday. Dd said "if she'd only said, I hope you get a chance [to have your treat again] " - obviously not giving the exact words at the end.
SnobblyBobbly · 25/06/2018 03:35
My DD is having a very similar issue at the moment, but I think she’d be seen as the braggy one in her situation.
In our case her best friend has had some major family upheavals over the past few years and while DD has been mindful of these issues for a long time and to a large extent they are now ‘resolved’, it’s got to the point where she darent mention anything good that happens in her life as her friend is so dismissive and sometimes quite mean.
Her friend gets cross if she spends time with other girls, yet on several occasions has shut DD out of their friendship group telling her they’re having a private conversation. It’s a really tricky one to navigate as whatever I advise or DD tries to smooth things over, it’s the wrong thing.
If I were you, I’d breathe a sigh of relief that they’re going their seperate ways for secondary - I wish that were the case in our scenario but I fear things will only get worse.
Just continue to support your daughter til the end of term and then let the friendship fizzle. It sounds like it’s run it’s course.
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