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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Armpit hairs, 11 yr old

30 replies

Lifeonrepeat · 16/05/2018 16:32

DD is the most developed in her class. Her armpit hairs are very long and she does gym and swimming with them very visible. When I suggested I could teach her to shave she said that she didn't know anyone else her age who shaved so didn't want to.
How can I introduce shaving and at what age? She also has some quite pronounced buds but doesn't want to wear a crop top as again none of her friends do. She starts secondary school in September and I think she should be wearing some form of crop top then but unsure how to introduce the notion to her.

OP posts:

Eolian · 16/05/2018 16:36

How can I introduce shaving and at what age?

Why on earth would you if she has no desire to do so?! My dd is nearly 13. I said to her that if she ever wants to shave her underarms she is welcome to do so (and ask me about it), but that there is no reason on earth why she should do it if she doesn't want to. It's not compulsory, you know!

FATEdestiny · 16/05/2018 16:47

How can I introduce shaving and at what age?

All you need do is introduce her to the fact that some women choose to remove their hair. Let her know hair removal options - cream, shaving and waxing.

Then explain there is nothing wrong with body hair and she should never feel pressured to remove hair because her body is beautiful as it is. But assure her if she wants to, that's fine too and to just chat to you about it if she does and you'll help then.

FATEdestiny · 16/05/2018 16:53

Regarding what age. It's not an age thing, it's a puberty thing and a personal choice thing.

My DD started her periods not long after her 10th birthday. I think we had armpit hair from about 8 years old. She's also a competitive swimmers. I introduced the idea of hair removal at about 9 years old. She asked me to help her use hair removal cream on her legs (her choice) at about 11 years old (year 6) and within a couple of months of using the cream, I sat next to her in the bath and taught her how you shave - again at her request.

If your DD has no problems with her body hair, for goodness sake don't unnecessarily create body issues by suggesting there is anything unpleasent about her blossoming puberty.

Karid1496 · 16/05/2018 17:37

My Dd12 has hairy arm pits but refuses to shave them and will also get upset if you point them out or suggest getting rid of them. Please pass any advice on my way ha 😁

Eolian · 16/05/2018 17:42

My Dd12 has hairy arm pits but refuses to shave them and will also get upset if you point them out or suggest getting rid of them. Please pass any advice on my way ha

Advice: Stop pointing them out or suggesting getting rid of them then.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 16/05/2018 17:45

I don't think you ever need to introduce shaving armpits to your dc? If she doesn't want to she doesn't have to, shes only 11.

If and when she decides she wants to shave she can, let her know you will help her of course but also let her know that she is absolutely fine as she is. If anyone shouldn't be putting pressure on their dd's to shave it's their mums ffs!

In terms of the crop top, again she is only 11, she doesn't need it for support. Let her know when she wants to you will buy some crop tops, I suspect her friends will in year 7 and he will want to join them.

You should be teaching your dd to have confidence in her body and her choices and not be ashamed of hair or body. That doesn't mean you teach her not to shave it just means teaching her that it is her choice entirely.

Scabbersley · 16/05/2018 17:47

I think it's nice that she's not bothered. She'll probably want to do both when she's at secondary

That1950sMum · 16/05/2018 17:52

Leave her be. She's happy and armpit hair is nothing to be ashamed of. Its nice that she's unselfconscious.

Pythonesque · 16/05/2018 18:03

If she's 11 I'm surprised that she doesn't have classmates wearing crop tops already to be honest, but I wouldn't worry about getting her some until she has need.

girlsyearapart · 16/05/2018 18:06

I just shaved my 10 yo dds underarms for her after she spent the boiling hot bank holiday with a long sleeved black cardigan on..
I pointed out that it’s a choice whether to or not and completely up to her and she nearly bit my arm off to do it straight away.
She’s been using deodorant for two years wearing crop tops for at least one but no periods yet.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/05/2018 18:07

My dd (11) asked if I could help her shave her legs recently. I showed her how and then said “and to do your pits you need to go down and up like this” - she replied “nooo I like my furry pits, I’m keeping them”!

Leave her be OP, she can do it when and if she wants to. Sadly someone probably will say something mean at some point and hopefully she is able to deal with it confidently.

Karid1496 · 16/05/2018 19:34

Eolian.......no need to be so harsh. We're all trying our best as parents, sometimes people just want a little bit of advice not to be made to feel like crap. Knowing how mean girls can be we as mums can't help but give our daughters some advice. My dd is very self conscious of her body and whilst I like to give her some suggestions I don't push her to do anything she doesn't want to.

DCITennison · 16/05/2018 22:05

@Karid1496 To be fair your initial post makes it sound like you draw attention to your daughters hair and suggest it needs to not be there. And that she is understandably upset by that.

Hopefully that’s not the case, but if it is then that would play a part in her being self conscious.

Original poster

Lifeonrepeat · 17/05/2018 00:47

I come on to Mumsnet for advice and am very grateful for many of your answers. Eiloan there is no need to be so judgemental. I have tried to seek advice regarding something that is new to me and thankfully many friendly mothers have given me welcome advice.

OP posts:

Karid1496 · 17/05/2018 09:26

@DCITennison I get it, I just had a talk to my daughter the other day about how messages in group chats can be misunderstood. I should have worded it better. I give some gentle suggestions every now and again but I would never constantly point it out as I know how upset it can make her. This parenting malarkey is tough at times, ha.

greenlynx · 17/05/2018 12:33

Mine is nearly 14 and not shaving but her hair are light. She knows that she could do it - she saw me doing my legs and asked about bottles and things in the bathroom. We also did shopping together for my stuff.

I would encourage her to try crop top over summer just to get used to it. Girls could change a lot over summer at this age so all her friends could be in bras (naturally) by September.

Eolian · 17/05/2018 13:08

Eiloan there is no need to be so judgemental.

I don't really see what is so judgmental about suggesting a poster stops drawing attention to her dd's armpit hair and suggesting its removal when the poster herself admits that this upsets her dd and that the dd doesn't want to remove it. It was perfectly logical advice.

If a girl is teased or bullied about hairiness, she may well want to remove hair. If your dd doesn't show any interest in hair removal, that surely means either a) she is not being teased about it and has no personal desire to shave or b) she is teased about it but wishes to stand her ground and not give in to peer pressure. In either case, that decision should be respected by her parents imo. I genuinely can't understand why a parent would want to persuade their dd to shave without any actual reason to do so.

hestia2018 · 18/05/2018 22:07

I just had this chat with my DD similar age. I said it was up to her whether she removed it or not. I didn’t really want her using harsh creams on her skin (she is prone to eczema) or cutting herself so I’ve got her a simple electric ladyshaver.

We had a good chat about why women shave their armpits but not men and the unfairness of this! I said that in an ideal world women wouldn’t need to remove their underarm hair but that a lot of women do, so I would help her with whatever she wants to do.

Re crop tops - yes I am surprised by Y6 that other girls aren’t wearing them? In my DDs Y6 year quite a few girls had bras. I got some for DD to wear on PE changing days.

user1499173618 · 18/05/2018 22:12

I think you should just wait until she feels ready.

LooseyInTheSky · 18/05/2018 22:15

She'll let you know if/when she wants them gone. Just keep making sure she can talk to you and provide her with the correct tools/products when / if she does.

starzig · 18/05/2018 22:29

Do not actually believe what I have just read. Good on your daughter for deciding that a bit if hair does not define her.

squishy · 19/05/2018 11:55

My 11 year old has pretty hairy pits and isn’t bothered (yet). I did have to talk her into crop tops/sport bras as her buds got to the stage where they needed some support...dreading the time that she needs something more supportive as she hates ‘proper’ bras (such a tomboy!)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 19/05/2018 17:17

I’m surprised to that none of her classmates are wearing crop tops either. Dd seems pretty late to wearing them (year 6) a couple of her friends have been wearing them since Y4.

FairyLightBlanket45 · 19/05/2018 17:30

I dont think the OP has done anything wrong. She is looking out for her daughter.

I had armpit hair, leg hair and my periods in year 6 and needed a first bra in year 6 too. Its a really hard time. I didnt actually notice. It was my sister one day when I lifted my arm who suddenly screeched at me and gave me the worst advice you can give an 11 year old: Remove all hair thats not on your head. Bad move when noone shows you how.
I was so embarrased because no one else had one or had hair (or so it seemed)
Turns out there was a few other girls with the reverse problem- hairy legs, didnt like them but told they couldnt shave and so kept them covered!

Tbh OP, this will probably reverse almost immediately at secondary school. It goes from being no one else to suddenly everyone starting and everyone wanting to shave. Sadly kids can be cruel too.
If she is happy leave her for now, as long as she is clean the hair wont smell. Just explain that when she is ready, youll show her how.

Iluvthe80s · 03/06/2018 22:29

My DD is 11 and has asked for help in underarm and leg hair removal. We used hair removal creme. Worked fine for her

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