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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

How do you explain oral sex to a 12yr old?

23 replies

Fullfatlatte · 07/05/2018 22:34

Help, advice needed! What’s the best way to explain oral sex to a 12yr old who has heard the word ‘blow job’ lots at school & wants to know what it means. He’s even asked me if I’ve done it! I’ve delayed the conversation for now but I know he’ll ask me again. He’s only just realised that sex isn’t just for having a baby & says that’s scary! HELP please 😳

OP posts:
QueenOlives · 07/05/2018 22:37

Be completely straight with him.

Explain it mechanically and add that it's done for pleasure.

You can't miss lead him at this age.

Urbanbeetler · 07/05/2018 22:37

Why not just tell him, in straight forward language? Re: The questions about you personally - I would never tell my dc about what I had done but simply say sex is private to the people doing it.

converseandjeans · 07/05/2018 22:39

He probably already knows what it means and is having you on to see what you say!

HollowTalk · 07/05/2018 22:39

A book might be your best friend here. Something he can read whenever he's got a question.

But for now I'd tell him what it is. I know it's difficult, but you have to do it.

Urbanbeetler · 07/05/2018 22:39

um... sorry, that should be with a firm disclaimer that those people need to be over 16 and happy about their sex lives.

SheepyFun · 07/05/2018 22:44

This was asked when we had sex education in year 6 (so younger than your son, and about 30 years ago). To her eternal credit, the school nurse gave a brief and factually accurate description with no comment on whether this was fun/personal experience. I would have thought a single sentence would cover the essentials.

Original poster
Fullfatlatte · 07/05/2018 22:44

Thank you, I know I’ve got to tell him the truth but blimey yes it’s gonna be strange! I still see him as my little boy, difficult that he’s growing up so quickly! I know it’s better for him to hear the exact truth from me. Wish me luck! Lol

OP posts:
Partyfops · 07/05/2018 22:47

It's great that he can ask you that question.

Original poster
Fullfatlatte · 07/05/2018 22:48

Thank you Party 😀 Agree I’m so glad he feels he can ask me, just came as a shock (hence quick advice post!)

OP posts:
Findingdotty · 07/05/2018 22:55

I would just be very literal in what it is and explain that it is something that happens as part of a sexual relationship between two consenting adults.
With the internet I would ensure you have the conversation with him without delay. Otherwise he will just google these things and that is not what you want.

MyDcAreMarvel · 07/05/2018 23:01

It’s really not appropriate to ask if you have had oral sex, and tbh I find that very hard to believe.

MillicentF · 07/05/2018 23:05

Tell him . But also tell him that people's sex lives are private and you are not going to tell him about yours

Aria2015 · 07/05/2018 23:18

I asked this when I was a child, I got the honest answer and I thought it sounded disgusting lol! Better to come from you than someone at school or worse be shown a video of it. I think it's important to stress it's what some consenting adults choose to do when in a loving relationship. I know that's not always true but at 12, I think that's a good tone / expectation to set.

Aria2015 · 07/05/2018 23:19

Also agree that it's great he feels like he can ask and agree that you should keep your sex life private because sex lives are private!

TyneTeas · 07/05/2018 23:21

As awkward as I might sometimes feel explaining things to my teen, would rather that than them googling Shock Blush

Slanetylor · 07/05/2018 23:24

It seems to me that he knows a lot already but isn’t sure what’s real and what’s fake. Asking if you’ve done it might be his way of checking whether it fits with a normal sex life or if it’s a bit fakey/ porny.

Prestonsflowers · 07/05/2018 23:24

My son asked me this question when he was about 8. My answer was “If I tell you what it means you’ll say arrrgh, that’s disgusting, but by the time you’re old enough to understand, you won’t want your mother to tell you”

Buckingfrolicks · 07/05/2018 23:38

My DC asked me at about that age, how do gay men have sex. I told them. Their little faces!! They laughed for a week.

Just tell him.

MonumentVal · 07/05/2018 23:45

If it's any consolation, my mother asked me! Why people had oral sex... Once I'd stopped laughing and realised she was serious, I said "they say it feels good and no-one can get pregnant", glossing over any experience of my own.

With a 12yo I'd feel the need to mention reciprocity and not trading affection for sexual favours, but definitely confirm that my sex life is private. I have two children and they can come to their own likely conclusions.

Yolande7 · 19/05/2018 20:31

I would tell him and buy a book or two. There are lots of good ones out there. "Does this happen to everyone?" is a fun one.

SpectacularAardvark · 19/05/2018 21:21

Poor kid, it's awful when people talk about stuff like that and you are too embarrassed to ask what they are on about. It's nice that he felt he could come to you.
I remember girls at school talking about "BJs", I used to nod and giggle along but I had no clue what they meant! Blush

ClashCityRocker · 19/05/2018 21:59

Try explaining to your ninety year old great grandma what 'floral sex' is.

She'd flicked over to a channel four documentary and I can only assume she'd misheard.

Op, I'd say just go with the facts, and a reminder that sex lives are generally private.

ellalouise90 · 21/05/2018 19:50

Tell him the truth , he will find out eventually but probably feels to embarrassed to say to his friends 'what is it' ... it's good that he feels comfortable to ask you this x

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