Y7 DD distraught about puberty & concerned for mental health

[Mij]

TL;DR: 11yo is way more upset, and I mean really upset, about changes in her body. Properly concerned for her wellbeing and just getting her into school on a daily basis. Anyone else's kid talk about how they want to stop it/don't want to grow up/look like they might actually hurt themselves in their anguish?

The longer version.
DD1 is waiting for assessment for ASD (or ADHD, or something we haven't thought of but she displays those type of characteristics). She's intellectually/academically bright, she's known about puberty/sex etc since she was 7 and she asked about it. We've always talked openly. So what's happening isn't a surprise.

I know puberty is no fun for anyone, changes are weird. They're kids, they're treated like kids, they look like kids (and DD1 looks about 10 as she's little and has a babyface) and yet they're developing adult bodies. So far so normal. Her reactions to what seem like everyday ups and downs have always been a tad dramatic (both negative and positive - see above re: referral for assessment) but this has really taken us aback. She appears borderline traumatised by it.

On a day to day basis it presents as her hating the way she looks, which means she can't find clothes that fit right/look right/feel right. It leads on to being desperate to go back to primary school where apparently everything was fun and the uniform was easy (this is bollocks - she hated uniform and we had to have multiple strategies in place to get her into clothes and into school at all, her friends were flakey and she didn't like the narrowness of the curriculum but the past is now seen through rose-tinted glasses), all of which results in horrible, stressful mornings where DD2 gets all but forgotten in the chaos of trying to get a sobbing 11yo into clothes and out of the door.

She has full-on meltdowns about wanting to stay a little girl, she doesn't want these changes. The clothes that fit her look 'too grown-up', the clothes she wants to wear don't fit (because boobs and hips), and add to that the new pressures of secondary school and no-one 'playing' any more, and the fact that she feels judged when she wears what she wants (and she's an admirably eccentric dresser) and judged when she wears what everyone else wears (because she thinks she looks 'too grown up when I'm just a little girl and it doesn't look right on me and people laugh') and we're having a properly shit time.

Yes, most of this sounds like the stuff that most young people will go through at some time. Body image is a huge issue and remains one for most of us, on and off, for the rest of our lives. But I don't think most* YP lie on the floor in bits, crying uncontrollably because getting dressed means being faced with a body they can't come to terms with, or start hitting the bits they don't like risking actual physical harm.

*This means I'm sure we're not alone, there are some out there which is why I'm writing this.

I'm aware that a good chunk of this might be to do with whatever's going on with her that she'll be assessed for. But in the meantime, while we're on a very long waiting list, this is happening daily and I'm at my wit's end.

We've always been very positive about bodies, I've been very careful to talk about health and function and not aesthetics. I don't think I've ever said anything about my own body (however I really feel about it) that suggested I don't like bits of it, and when I eg take back clothes after trying on some horrowshow item, I've always said stuff about it not being my thing/doesn't suit me/colour blah blah but never eg my arse looks like the stern of the Titanic in it.

In short, I really don't think this is something that can be fixed with a bit of quick and easy body-positivity and yay let's accept everyone for who they are! stuff. Not that that isn't important, but y'know.

We've talked endlessly about how things will likely change in the future, that her brain and feelings will catch up with her body but at the moment it doesn't help because that just sends her off on a 'but I don't WANT it to I like being a kid' and even 'can't I take something to stop puberty? That's what trans kids can do'.

I have no idea how she's going to deal with periods.

Anyone got any experiences/resources/anything that could help us? And yes I've Googled but I haven't found anything useful.

Thanks in advance.

My DD was similar, although not to the extent of physically hurting herself. It was fine eventually though, and she ended up quite liking being curvy. It's one of those transitions....

Well that's the difficulty though isn't it. The transition can take years. She struggles with even small changes, and doesn't want to hear that it'll be alright eventually because right now she doesn't want it to be and can't possibly imagine a time when she might accept it. And she is hurting herself.

We've managed through some massive episodes of being unsettled and it's been tough but we could always see something in the near future that would help. I don't see that here. I feel like I don't know how to keep her safe until she does accept it. Or her sister tbh, because everytime this is happening, she's not getting what she needs and seeing her big sis in distress upsets her too.

Your poor DD. I remember being devastated at the onset of puberty and wanting to stay a child.

Part of it was just hating how fast my body was changing and struggling to adjust to that. Another part was feeling that I didn't want to have to be a grown up and leave all the things I enjoyed behind. I didn't understand that adults females were allowed to climb trees and have silly fun too.

Have you managed to pin down exactly what it is your DD is frightened of? What it is about growing up that she doesn't want? Does she fully understand that she won't be a different person, she won't be expected to become an adult woman overnight?

Also does she have any positive female role models (apart from you) ? When I was young all I could see was adult women were treated like domestic drudges all the while expected to be both decorous and meek, I couldn't see myself in those roles.

I feel for you & your DD - I also have a very clothes sensitive daughter...struggling with wearing crop tops (won’t entertain the idea of a real bra at all, couldn’t put socks on for years, and strips off her uniform and into pyjamas the minute she is home from school. I do think she has sensory processing disorder so really isn’t doing it all on purpose. That helps then with (trying) to stay very patient.
Sorry, don’t have any good advice other than absolute kindness & maybe just let her wear the stuff she feels comfortable in - I have just bought her a Boden playsuit (joined shorts & shirt thing) which is striped - she loves it because it is soft & fits her changing body, but also looks age appropriate. Yay. 1 item of clothing for the summer ....!

Bluths it's not just one thing but at the root of it really does just seem to be that she doesn't want to grow up. She wants to stay a child and the physical changes are a constant reminder that she can't make that happen. If she is on the spectrum that would at least account for her strong aversion to change. She's also become quite distressed at the thought of sex, which has never bothered her before and she's had the lowdown for years. It's not a 'eew yuk' reaction or a giggling embarrassment which I'd expect some of, but properly upset and disturbed.

Plus3 DD1 goes through cycles of what bothers her and what doesn't, but yes she has sensitivities too. But at the moment we just go around and around in circles of 'what I like doesn't look right on me because what I like is for skinny flat chested kids and what fits me I hate because it makes me look too grown up and I just want to be a little girl'. Sometimes she's happy with something for a few days and then, all of a sudden, maybe she's caught sight of herself at a particular angle or someone's said something, she can't explain, and then she literally can't get dressed and just lies on the floor crying uncontrollably, and the cycle starts all over again. I keep thinking we've found a winning combo and then it all falls apart again

I think its an odd one because reading this that could've been me, although i was quite private about it I felt very stuck in this inbetween part. I was diagnosed with ADHD and it definitely made the transition worse because although your mind feels mature it can be quite difficult to behave accordingly. It feels as though people are less and less accepting of ADHD type symptoms after puberty and maybe this is what she is aware of even if she can't put it in to words.
It won't be much of a consolation at the moment but in terms of clothing that was definitely my biggest struggle and i took me a while to be comfortable. I think maybe around 15/16 i found my eccentric way of dressing again and although I don't think anyone could ever say i dressed 'grown up', people did think I was cool for not giving a shit.
I would advise lots of online shopping! finding things that seem cool, neutral. If she is comfortable in herself in this sense everything else will fit in to place. I hope it all works out okay!