12 year old school behaviour

[Imgettingcheesefries]

My dd is in year 8, July baby so one of the youngest in the year. Since she started secondary school her behaviour has got really bad, I get multiple emails every week about answering back/refusing to do her work/not listening.

I don't know what to do about this anymore, I've never had problems with her behaviour at school before. I've tried to talk to her about her new friends, who she's said get detention just like her, most of her friends from primary school go to different schools now. I've tried to talk about anything that's upsetting her or making her behave like this at school.

I've taken her phone/tablet/grounded her. She always says she doesn't know why she does it and won't do it again, but she does. She's got 3 after school detentions to do this week and I have just had an email about one next month because of her behaviour yesterday.

She's fine at home, a bit moody sometimes but I think that's just her age. But she isn't rude to me or anything like she is at school. I don't know what to say to the teachers who email me and I don't know what to do to stop her acting like this at school. Does anyone have any advice please?

Acting out like this- particularly when it's a new behaviour, out of character- is a cry for help. Something is upsetting her, likely around the transition to secondary.
Some children take a long time to settle- there's not just the friendship issues, but travelling further, often independently can be daunting, having a timetable and moving around school for different lessons, managing their homework schedule etc, it's very overwhelming.
Try to talk to your child- feeling overwhelmed can make her snappy, "offence is the best defence" can mean people can be aggressive to cover their confusion or insecurity.
Has she made a good friend? That will help her tremendously, but it can be very hard for children to open up and find others on their wavelength.
Y7 is a really hard time for many children.

Have you met anyone at the school to talk face to face?

Well- that will teach me to read properly! Sorry, she's Y8 now
The above may still apply. It could be she's feeling isolated. It could be she's being bullied. It could be she isn't enjoying school for another reason, and has lost sight of the point in going.
Try and talk to her but without any pressure. She's obviously unhappy. If she wasn't like that at primary, I imagine she's upset, possibly mortified about getting detentions and behaviour points, which will make her feel worse.

Any chance of changing school to one where more of her peers from primary are?

I was like this early in secondary school I really struggled to find my place/people, so I tried to be the class clown to fit it but I was just a pain in the arse.

Setting in year 9 helped because I got set with some really good influences. Definitely speak to the school

Thanks for your replies. I've spoke to teachers over the phone a lot but only face to face a couple of times at the last parents evening.

She has no contact with her Dad which is one of things that is upsetting her. I recently checked her internet history and she had googled his name and found his Facebook page, she doesn't have Facebook so couldn't see much or contact him but it was heartbreaking to see she had done that.

She's never been a 'popular' kid, she's never really had lots and lots of friends just one or 2 best friends. Her best friend from primary has gone to the same school with her and they are still friends but not as close as before. And quite a few of her friends from primary are younger than her so still there. When we've talked about what's upsetting her she's mentioned she feels she doesn't fit in with her friends or with anyone else

I had a long conversation with her head of year about her behaviour and what more I can do at home and he mentioned to maybe try rewarding the good behaviour instead of punishing the bad, punishing the bad behaviour clearly hasn't worked anyway, I'm not sure what to do

Talking to her, letting her know you're there for her and listening to her is a good start. Does school have a 'worry box' or some anonymous forum in which she can raise concerns? Is there someone she likes and trusts that she could approach- school counsellor, pastor, music teacher, youth worker, etc?
Children don't always want to open up to their mums, do they?
Do school think it's the influence of peers at all, or that it's intrinsically her?

Thanks for your reply, I've mentioned about her talking to someone about her feelings but she just says she doesn't want to/she's fine. I'll try and talk to her about it again tonight, there are lots of people she could talk to if she didn't want to talk to me, we used to be very close but that has changed a bit since she's started secondary school.

Her head of year said that she made friends with other children who behave like this so haven't been a great influence but also that she had now become 'one of the more vocal ones' but she doesn't behave like this at home so only really in front of her friends I suppose.