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[Dancergirl]

My 11 year old dd is about to get her first phone. She is the youngest of 3 girls and will be getting an old iPhone 5S.

Things have changed a lot in the last few years since my older dds got phones and I am concerned about children being on SM earlier and earlier.

I am planning on saying no to any SM for now but will let her use WhatsApp. But of course she is saying 'everyone' is on this that or the other.

Some of her classmates are on musical.ly. On the surface it all seems very innocent but it just another form of SM isn't it? I have explained to dd that 13 is the minimum age for most of these things but how do I explain to her the reasons why?

I'm worried, I do think the link between SM and mental health in children is very real.

There’s legislation in place that kids shouldn’t have any SM under the age of 13. That includes WhatsApp, FB, Instagram, Snapchat. It’s there for a reason to protect children.

If she wants the accounts she has to lie about her age.

My DSD got a phone at 11. Mum lied about her age and let’s her have WhatsApp, Instagram & Snapchat. I don’t agree with this at all - girls that age aren’t mature enough to handle themselves should something go wrong.

There was an incident on Snapchat of an older man sending round a picture of his ‘bits’. It got reported to the school and all the kids involved had to explain themselves to the headmistress.

Personally it’s too young. All the others might be doing it but it’s bevause their parents are happy to lie about their age and break the rules. Doesn’t really set a good example to kids.

Mine are nearly 12 but use Whatsapp only.

They are also gamers and chat to friends on bloody Fortnite.

Fortunately they have no interest in FB Instagram etc yet (possibly because we parents have no interest in those?)

girls that age aren’t mature enough to handle themselves should something go wrong

I completely agree with this 100%. But the problem is, I seem to be in a minority of parents in dd's Year 6 class. Many of them have phones already and there is a class WhatsApp group.

On the last day of term, some of the kids who have phones arranged to meet at a local dessert parlour. Dd obviously wasn't invited because she doesn't have a phone but heard them talking about it.

I have signed up to the sign4year9 campaign but again, I seem to be the only one.

No-one wants their child to be left out and excluded but it goes against my instincts to allow SM at this age.

Stick to your guns OP. SM is really unsuitable for younger ones, it just forces them to grow up and deal with massive peer pressure when they are not mature enough. It has been linked to growing MH issues in teens and has all sorts of negative consequences. I am astonished that some DCs friends parents that have been incredibly strict up to now about TV watching and and eating anything with sugar have been quite happy to let their 10/11 year olds loose on social media.

WhatsApp also has min age of 13 so personally I wouldn't let her have that either then you can stick to the "You're not lying about your age" line. That's what we did - DD has just turned 13 and now has WhatsApp but hasn't asked for other SM - many of her friends have been there done that so no longer on anything else! DD is on Family Sharing so can't have any app without my permission. Meant can't let her have anything she is under age for without lying - and if changed her age on that then parental controls would have to be age inappropriate. DS nearly 11 will have same rules.

I have sort of already said yes to her for WhatsApp. We have a family group chat and I know she feels a bit left out. Many of her friends and classmates already have phones and are on the class WhatsApp group, I imagine the rest will be joining by the end of Year 6.

Suppose she's the only one not allowed it??

Musical.ly seems very dodgy to me and it's one I won't even consider. I let my 11yo get one social media account under heavy pressure, but only with the agreement that I set the password and had the app on my phone too - ie full visibility of how the account is used, messages etc. This has been done and communicated as being for internet/sm safety reasons as my child is technically underage for the channel. I don't snoop (but if I want to I can) and I can veto any questionable new friends/follows. I have absolutely no regrets about exerting this amount of control/oversight and it's the only basis that the account is allowed to be had.

11 year old dd has WhatsApp and nothing else.

Music.ly is a big no no,we had a school assembly about dodgy/upsetting messages and requests that our children have received.

I know a 6 yo with a phone and WhatsApp on it. She might only have 6 numbers on it, and ofc it's checked by the parents but I think it's bonkers. I might be inclined to allow an 11 yo to be on it, but only if i had full access to it and even then I'd probably uhmm and ahh over it. No too facebook or instagram snapchat etc. Too much too soon.

I think DD was one of probably 2-3 not in her Y7 class WhatsApp group for the first 1.5 years of secondary school. She survived - those girls she made friends with kept in touch via text. Now she's in it, she spends a lot more time on her phone, which I'm not as happy about (though I don't allow her to be on it as much as she would like!) - and most of the WhatsApp conversation seems to be either "hey, I'm bored" type messages or some low-level bullying, although there is the odd "anyone know what homework we've got to do for tomorrow?" type message which can obviously be useful.

Apparently DS's year (Y6) has a WhatsApp group and messages are being posted on it almost all through the night and there's been some nasty comments etc - so having it would in my view do more harm than good.

So I don't think you should worry about 11 year olds missing out if not got WhatsApp - but equally I do understand why many parents allow it.

Posted earlier but will jump in again.....

My 12 year old DSD has WhatsApp. She got it at 11 - her mum lied about the age.

She’s obsessed by the phone. Takes endless selfies and it drives me nuts to be honest. It was confiscated one morning and she went out with dad. In a period of 30 mins she received over 100 Instagram messages (the vibrations were driving me nuts). It puts too much pressure on these young firms. She was upset at having her phone taken off her as she would me picked on she said for not responding. As above poster says you have to watch out for the bullying.

My 10yo has a phone. She has WhatsApp - we have family groups and she has a total of 5 friends contact details and they chat on WA too. She also uses it to talk to her cousins in Ireland. She also has an app called Funimate which is like music.ly but more locked down. She barely uses that though. And currently her and her classmates are using ROBLOX but I don’t think that’ll last long as it’s crap. Both her Funimate and ROBLOX accounts are actually my account not hers and the app is also on my phone where I check it daily.

She’s a very anxious child though so she knows what she’s not to do and is too scared of getting out of her depth to try anything. She doesn’t want Instagram, FB, snapchat etc which is just as well because she wouldn’t be getting them!

From what I hear, Musiclly is the worst. Don’t go there.

It’s actually easier in some ways for children to blame Mum & Dad being strict and old-fashioned than it is to set their own boundaries about responding etc. Think how hard it is to regulate your own phone & SM use, and how some people get so wound up by lack of ‘likes’ on a post or instant response to a text. It’s hard for kids to face that pressure.

If you say yes to WhatsApp, I’d make sure phone use itself was limited - not after X o’clock at night/before Y o’clock in the morning etc. Ability to check at random any time. No giving number to anyone you’ve not personally met etc.

It's hard to regulate Whatsapp esp at secondary. Mine are in various groups abd randoms (friends of friends seem to join). I think y6 is very different to years 7 and above.

Can someone explain the problem with musical.ly?

The problem is access to explicit content and that it is difficult to make it secure even set to private.

This website give some useful insights

www.commonsensemedia.org/app-reviews/musically-your-video-social-network/user-reviews/adult

Thank you so much for that link dory, very helpful but shocking reading

I completely agree with this 100%. But the problem is, I seem to be in a minority of parents in dd's Year 6 class. Many of them have phones already and there is a class WhatsApp group

Your only concern is what goes on with your own kids and in your own house.

As a parent it’s expected we protect our kids and on occasion, with good reason - say no.

I agree OP it is truly shocking what can happen online. Parents are frightened to allow their 11 year old to cross a road yet they will allow them access to all sorts of dangerous stuff online.

This is an ongoing nightmare for me, I’m just pleased to see I’m not the only mum struggling with it. My 11 yr old daughter managed to join Instagram and musical.ly without our knowledge and when found out and told not to and the reasons why, even by the Police she found a sneaky way to access the sites anyway, creating multiple fake accounts with a friend of hers. A friend I wish wasn’t a friend of hers aswell, as it’s always connected to this other girl when my dd gets into trouble.
She’d been sent pornography from a guy in Turkey. And it turns out anyone can view and contact children on musical.ly and also a game called Roblox.
I’ve confiscated the phone again now and am waiting to speak to the school regarding all the year 6 children being on Instagram as well as my dd.
It’s such a concern to me atm. She’s only had the phone a month and so much drama has already ensued from it. She bought it with her Christmas money but I think I am literally going to have to keep it until she’s old enough to use it responsibly... which may be never.
It’s a living nightmare for me.

@TuTru It is really difficult especially when they feel that everybody else is on social media and they feel left out. My Dd left out by friends at school because they all have phones and SM and she does not. It’s all they talk about at break time and if she goes to a friends after school they just want to be online and never actually want to do anything else. Like your situation, her friends have multiple accounts that their parents know nothing about. They are so much better at getting around all this than we think.

Something else worth knowing for anyone whose child has an Apple device. Under Settings / General is a function called Restrictions. There you can set an additional password-controlled area to stop (eg) apps being downloaded, use of specific websites or apps, in-app purchases and age-appropriate content.

I assume a similar function is available on many Android devices too but not sure where that would be found.

Yes I did block the apps, in fact I trusted that all was prob fine after that but luckily my “grown-up” daughter is just as phone addicted so I asked her to keep an eye on my youngest but also to follow her friend on social media, this is when we found their multiple accounts. When I asked my youngest if she had been on Instagram or twitter since I told her not to, she answered me with yes and she’s been using them through the website rather than the app. So I would never have known if it weren’t for spying. I have confiscated the phone atm for the sneaky dishonest behaviour but I don’t want to give her it back... although I know I will have to at some point.