Smug face and eye rolling

[MissBartlettsconscience]

I'm having an issue with DD (just11) at the moment where when she's asked to do something she doesn't want to do (homework/ her physio exercises/ extra curricular clubs) she does what DS calls 'smug face' when she looks st me as though I'm beneath contempt, punctuated by an occasional eye roll.

I've told her off, sent her to her room, lost computer time etc. However it's come to a head this evening when she's done that face at her piano teacher. She doesn't like piano, but a) I have to give a terms notice and b) she's doing grade 1 at the end of term which she does want to do and is practising for. Her piano teacher wants to meet me and DH to decide how to progress for the remainder of term.

I've told her off, and stopped tv time today and told her she must apologise or stop now, and give us some of her money towards the wasted lessons. What else should I be doing? Is there any point carrying in or just call it a day now and how do I get her to stop being so very rude?!

Choose your battles. I ignore eye rolling.
My 13 yo is a master in eye rolling, punctuated with sighing and groaning for emphasis.
But he mosly does what he’s told, cooperates well although he’s not always cheerful.
TBH, I feel like groaning when I have certain chores to do, and sometimes roll my eyes at what dh or the kids say, so why wouldn’t he.
We’re all human.

I wouldn't ignore, I'm afraid. It's rude, unnecessary and completely unacceptable behaviour. Particularly when directed at an adult who is NOT your mother. (Not saying it's acceptable to you, either).

I have taught teens for many years and although some will disagree I'm sure, I don't tolerate any kind of rudeness and have always had a good relationship with most of my classes. I make it abundantly clear that the penalties for rudeness or poor behaviour are extremely clear, extremely unpleasant and I never shift the boundaries. Because that's the way life works my dears. Roll your eyes and look contemptuously at someone you work for - and you will be swiftly unemployed.

Roll your eyes and look contemptuously at me, say, 'For God's sake!' in an impatient tone, etc and I will tell you once 'Please don't speak to me in that fashion' and if you continue, or do it again, then I will remove you from my lesson. And I will always, always follow that through with a detention to make up on the missed work. The trick is to make the consequences so unpleasant that it is not worth the behaviour generally. So feel free to have the satisfaction of sneering at me with a contemptuous look.

And I will have you in an hour's detention in your free time, writing in silence to catch up on the work you missed. Was it worth it?
Shall we play this game three times every week?

We don't usually....

See, but I don’t think this is really how life works. Yes, I wouldn’t roll my eyes at my boss, but she wouldn’t be able to punish me or give me detention... not to mention calling me “my dear”. This is the epitome of being contemptuous.
I think teens shouldn’t be afraid to speak their minds and be taken seriously.
I would want my kids to know that being frustrated and angry is fine, as long as they are not taking it out on people around them.
My father used to punish us kids whenever we displayed feelings he didn’t approve of. We weren’t allowed to look at him (or roll eyes) when he would scold us and weren’t allowed to talk back.
Also, my mother didn’t allow us to cry.
I can tell you it’s not pleasant to have to bottle up all these feelings.
Sorry I went on a tangent, this doesn’t have much to do with OP.

@Blessyourcotton socks. Totally agree with you. I also don’t abide rudeness and if kids get away with it now they will carry it though to adulthood. Kids need boundaries and to learn to respect those around them.

@Audree - if you were rude to your boss there are ways to deal with this. Could be an informal chat, more formal routes. The bottom line is we should respect each other. As far as teens not being afraid to speak their minds, agree, however this needs to be in the right way. Not to disrespecting people. This behaviour needs to be learnt.

I agree @BlessYourCottonSocks
If I rolled my eyes at employers or huffed and tutted at being asked to do tasks I would certainly be brought up at reviews and a bad attitude could find you ending up in the job centre.

OP pull your DD up on her attitude every single time. She will stop doing it eventually because it simply isn't worth the aggro.

I do pull her up on it, thanks. I've also thought about it overnight and don't think the current situation is working for her or her teacher and there is no point putting him through it any longer.

I think you've made the right decision. Putting them through an instrument grade is hard going enough when they want to do it. It's the sunk cost fallacy to carry on with something that no one's getting value from because of money spent. Just write the money off and enjoy the removal of the stress!

I'd ignore it,simply because it sounds like she's feeding off it. Less attention,hopefully get bored. Also the piano thing,seems like she's resentful,(none of us like being made do sometimes we don't like)

Thank you. I haven't told DD yet - I guess she'll either be relieved, in which case we'll quietly have to police the behaviour very carefully, or a bit disappointed in which case, job done.

My point was, eye rolling is not being rude.

@Audree - we disagree.

I think eye rolling is rude. It displays bad manners, it’s intimidating for the receiver and it can make the receiver feel devalued. It’s harmful because of what it indicates. It’s a sign that the person doing it no longer values the person they are doing it to. It’s a sarcastic, non verbal gesture that doesn’t clearly state what the disagreement is. It’s better to teach children to verbalise their frustrations rather than use a rude gesture.

I'm afraid I agree with @NorthernSpirit.

Would you be happy at being served in a shop by a woman who rolled her eyes sarcastically when you asked her if she could see if they had this outfit in a different size? Or a waitress when you asked if they had gluten free meals? Or would you perhaps feel like complaining to the manager about the service you had received?

Eye rolling is rude. And if it's not acceptable for an adult to make that gesture at another adult, then it's not acceptable for an 11 yo to do so either.

I clearly remember my Dad saying ‘The answer is not up there’ & ‘Wipe that look off your face before I do’. (He never hit me, ever). I’m my Dad in womans clothing 😂.

...but I’d never have done it to a teacher (Not at her age anyway, at 15....maybe).

If I’d done it to a teacher at her age I’d have been in mammoth amounts of trouble at home.

Every time I walk into my local Next, I remember getting eye-rolled by a shop floor employee (this happened years ago). All I did was ask where something was and it left me feeling small. It's such a small act but it conveys a huge amount of disrespect. I should have reported him, really.

Place mark to OP.