Hi everybody,
Apologies for how long this is but I really need some advice. I have 2 children aged 7 and 9. My husband, their father took his own life at the beginning of 2015. It was a horrible shock and I’m still dealing with the many psychological residual issues today. The children are coping well, they talk about their dad but never cry, we keep pictures up of him etc. We had broken up a month or so before he died but after a silly argument with me, he did it. I was devastated. I then met a lovely man a few months later, he was everything we needed and more. Things moved very quickly and after first knowing him as mummy’s friend he then moved in and took on the role of ‘dad’. The children adore him and refer to him as their dad to their friends. They say they have 2 dads. My bf encourages this and says he’d like them to take his name when we are married (he says he will ask this year). We have spoken about formal adoption but as he is already going through court for access to his daughter (aged 4 from a previous relationship) we have said we don’t want more cost and he has repeatedly said ‘it doesn’t matter as they’re mine anyway’...it’s just a piece of paper. We have repeatedly talked about how blood doesn’t matter and that he’s raising the children as his own, he tells people he has 3 kids. This week however, the subject of me making a will if I died has come up. As you can imagine after what’s happened I’m keen to get that sorted. I’ve said I would like him to keep the children if I died (we have started trying for a biological child so hopefully there would be 3). He has said however, that he would prefer (my) 2 children to go to my mother. I am absolutely devastated! It feels like he’s going back on everything we’ve ever said, he would have no problem splitting the children up if we have any of just stopping seeing (my) children if we don’t. His argument is ‘well if we break up you’ll get a new bf and he will be their dad’. I’ve told him that would never ever happen and that now he’s stepped into that role then that role is his. He can’t seem to see how this would effect the children if we actually did split, they will have lost 2 dads. This has absolutely rocked me. I don’t know if we should carry on as I feel like he has deceived us and allowed my children to make that bond but now I know that bond comes with conditions. I understand what a sacrifice it would be for him to continue being their dad even if we were to break up and that without a formal adoption he doesn’t ‘have to’ but I really thought that he understood everything we’d been through and that in his mind he was there dad as much as a biological one or I would never have encouraged it, He would have just been ‘mummy’s boyfriend’.
Thankyou for reading x