Not joining in (sorry longer than planned!)

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I have a problem with my 11 year old dd (oldest Dd, have 2 other dds aged 9 and 4) and I know I’m not handling it well...
She never joins in and doesn’t want to ever try anything new or do anything where people might “see her”.

This has recently resulted in her giving up a sport that she loves and as she comes to the guide unit I run it drives me mental! We just had a fun tae kwondo session (and it really was fun, she got to laugh at me and my sister trying to high kick!) she literally started crying straight away and sat in the corner chewing her sleeve!!

It just makes me cross she has so many opportunities but doesn’t want to do any of them!!

How can I encourage her to at least try??? I don’t understand the sitting in the corner either as everyone was looking at her which was what she said the problem was in the first place!!

Just so as not to drip feed. She refused to go to cricket as she said someone had been mean to her once weeks ago. And she unfortunately associated herself with another guide who refused to talk to anyone and is now trying to distance herself....not sure if it’s just because she wants to be part of the crowd or if she just thinks the other girl is weird. I’ve called her on this but I just feel like I’m always telling her off and it’s not helping!!

She also went to pgl with school and tried all but one of the activities persuaded by the staff there.

I think it’s me. Is it me? I feel like the worlds worst parent at the moment. I totally lost it with everyone at the weekend for whining every time I spoke to them. And I’ve told her off recently for bullying her 9 year old sister because that’s exactly what I feel she is doing...constantly turning her back on her, rolling her eyes, pushing her out the way, called her an idiot etc.

If I’m honest I don’t like her much atm but I don’t like the way I deal with things much either. I just want to be less negative while still showing her how to behave but also building her up. Is that even possible?

Stressed!! Help!!

My dd is very reluctant about trying new things and she’s also a perfectionist. If she can’t do things right the first try, she’d rather not try at all.
I tend to be more strict, so when I register her in an activity I expect her to attend She doesn’t have to enjoy it at all the time, but after a while she warms up to everything she tries.
It usually takes months for my dd to enjoy her activity, but if I don’t engage in her dramatic outbursts, she eventually comes to enjoy it.
I would choose one or two activities and keep bringing her and ignore the crying and drama.

Self esteem and the aching need to be seen to be perfect in 'public'.

She doesn't want to be seen to be 'failing at a new; ie learning a new skill, for fear someone might laugh, pick on her or think less of her.

Have you talked about how not joining in just draws more attention and how it’s way less fun? It might also be worth helping her to deal with stress better, I’ve just enrolled my DD on a Tween Yoga course to try and help her.

Have you heard of a Mighty Girl as well? They recommend some great books. This book for perfectionists might help but there are others that you might also want to get

Thanks. Actually do have some books from might girl..... I’ll look them out and encourage her to use them.

I personally would have made her go to the cricket session but because we were having a big row my husband stepped in and told her if she had a sensible conversation about it he would make her go!

We’re a little more settled now and we had a chat. She knows that exercise is important and I expect her to replace cricket with something else. She has till after half term to decide what! I’m researching some ideas!

I’m hoping guides will be better when my friends daughter starts after the half term as they know each other well.