Pushing the boundaries

[Icantfindausername]

My 11 year old daughter is driving me mad, not listening, doing things she shouldn't be doing and I don't know if I am being too hard on her or too soft! It's a mine field, she's been drawing on her hands and colouring her fingers in with ink, comes home with her hands looking horrendous so I told her to stop and she's still doing it. Then I've told her to stop making slime as she's used loads and loads of my toiletries toothpaste shampoo perfume creams etc and also ruined all my Tupperware type tubs, I walk into her room tonight to find another loads in her bin that she's mixed whilst being on FaceTime to her friend. She used the change from her bus pass to spend £4 on sweets at the shop (without asking) and she just seems to be pushing us so much at the moment. Is anyone else having this trouble? She has always been so good so it worries me that she's just started at high school and something might be bothering her, I've asked her and she's told me not but I am still worrying about why she's changed, has anyone else experienced this? Any ideas on what to do? Many thanks xx

Pick your battles!
Hand colouring - meh, phase probably, we all used to tippex our nails which looked awful
Slime - no. Not without express permission using stuff you say is ok and old tubs
Money - does she get pocket money?

A relative who specialises in children with behavioural issues says 'they see you as a great big button to press' and advises picking your fights and not rising to the non-dangerous stuff (being gobby, rolling eyes etc) or you will just wear yourself out.

Remind yourself which behaviour is normal teen stuff! If she wants to make slime then she has to go to the pound shop and buy her own ingredients and plastic bowls. The money she has wasted by using your stuff has to be taken from pocket money to replace these. Any pocket money to be earned by good behaviour and doing jobs around the house.

She does get pocket money but only just as I noticed she was taking our money and thought it was maybe because she didn't have any and all her friends were getting sweets etc from the shop. Thanks for your good idea I will definitely take them on board x

She sounds like she is really into artsy stuff. Maybe channel that with her Christmas presents? She sounds like a normal good-egg type teen (i.e. Not smoking, drinking and smashing things up) and they can be a bit 'trying' at that age.

Keep calm or you will get into a spiral of you yelling at her, her yelling back and nothing getting resolved!

She makes a mess - she has to tidy up. She uses your toiletries - she has to replace. It's teaching her responsibility - pocket money in 'chunks' so if it's £10 a week then £2 for keeping room tidy (take off an amount for each day it's not done properly- bed made, bin empty, clothes in dirty clothes basket...), £2 for taking the bins out, £2 for getting to school on time every day, £2 for getting homework done before it's due, £2 for walking the dog/feeding the cat etc. Extra money can be earned when wage does somehing extra nice or good (i.e. gives a sibling her sweets of who falls over).

Totally agree with the others. Hand drawing I’d totally ignore. Money, I know she now has pocket money but I’d set her up with a bank account and card and pay her a monthly amount into it to spend as she wishes. If she blows the lot on the first day, she will have no money for the rest of the week. Could you also talk to her about budgeting? Our DD has this book which she loves and records how much she has coming in each month and what she spends and saves.

I’d be tempted to put my money away if she’s helping herself too.

Slime, I think they all make it. I’d be annoyed about her using my stuff too though. Could you go to somewhere like home bargains and get the ingredients? Our DD stores hers in empty takeaway boxes.

The only thing we don’t do is linking pocket money to behaviour. If her room is messy, she has to sort it out or it’s no friends around and no electronics. They’re told that if it’s still messy on Saturday morning I will go in with a bin bag and clear up everything that’s not put away. So far, it hasn’t got to that stage.

Thank you so much there's some great ideas there. I did say to my husband if we take money off her she will never have money as she's always in trouble at the moment and then she is probably likely to take our money. I've only recently started giving her spends as she's always done a lot of activities that obviously cost but she's dropped dancing so we have given her a bit each month now, nothing major.
I like the idea of getting her some arty things for Christmas too, and some cheap stuff for slime making.
Thanks ladies you have made me feel calmer xx

DS used my bloody expensive conditioner to make some concoction or other. I couldn't work out why my hair serum was evaporating either. Of course he never used the cheap hair and body wash stuff I bought in the pound shop for the gym.

I used to do the same whe I was a child!😁

When they come up against the boundary you need to move it. Not all at once - just bits at a time. Giver her complete freedom in one area and she will be less likely to push up against another. What she has to understand though, is that with freedoms come responsibilities, so you need to negotiate. Worked for us anyway. Oh, and we got our dd1 a perfume-making kit one Christmas