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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

aibu to have told my dd about periods?

106 replies

xmasadsboohiss · 09/10/2017 22:18

so my little one is almost ten an has suddenly started developing breast buds and is complaining about feeling unwell with stomach ache etc. so rather than have her frightened if it happens, i told her tonight what a period was - in that it's blood every month but no more detail than that. now i feel awful because she got a bit upset. is it better for them to know? hate the idea of her being frightened by blood without knowing what it is.

OP posts:

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2017 22:35

Really?? 10 is considered old to have this conversation? What age do you think is appropriate? Bearing in mind girls can start as early as 8.

xmasadsboohiss · 09/10/2017 22:35

please guys i don't have hang ups and i didn't make a big deal of it. quite the contrary. i just don't want to upset her. i was hoping for a bit of friendly advice - not a slagging off by people who don't know me. she my eldest and it's unknown territory for me.

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2017 22:36

Who is 'slagging you off?'

Migraleve · 09/10/2017 22:38

I don't know why you keep saying you don't want to upset her? What exactly is upsetting?

You really do need to give her a bit more than 'you will bleed every month' - how do you expect her to understand with no explanation?

MrsMerryFestive · 09/10/2017 22:40

It's no doubt easier if this stuff is just normal everyday family conversation from v young.

But I'm sure you've not really done any harm.

I would start by asking the school to let you know what they are teaching and when, so you can make sure you cover it at home before school do.

Caulkheadupnorf · 09/10/2017 22:40

Usbourne do a book “let’s talk about sex” which might help if it’s hard to talk to her yourself? Covers most stuff about puberty and sex

xmasadsboohiss · 09/10/2017 22:41

thanks migraleve - i didn't get a chance to say anymore because she started crying. and i didn't sit her down at the table. it was while we were having a cuddle at bedtime - no better time i would have thought! she is really skinny and i wasn't expecting her to develop for another year or more but of course introducing it gradually around now was on my mind all along.

OP posts:

MrsMerryFestive · 09/10/2017 22:42

To make you feel better OP I told DS when he was 4 that a seed would come out of his penis when he wants a baby with his wife. Cue massive tears about a sunflower type seed coming out of his wee hole. So I told him not to worry the doctors do it. Cue massive tears about having an injection. 🤣🤣

Ketzele · 09/10/2017 22:42

I'm sorry you're feeling slagged off, but tbh I don't see that you have been. You asked our opinion and must people are saying they would have handled it differently, that's all.

I'm interested in you saying you didn't want to upset her and I think you should think through why you think this would happen? is it because you hate your periods? If so, I can see how it would feel that you were 'protecting' her by not telling her. Personally - and I know this probably puts me in a small minority - I always rather liked my periods, so easy for me to be open and positive about it to my kids.

WitchOfTheWaste · 09/10/2017 22:42

I think OP needs a break! I was talking about this with other mums at school recently (my DS has just turned 10) and loads hadn't talked to their kids yet (admittedly mostly boys) about sex and puberty. I think if you have kids who don't ask lots of questions it can be hard. I'd always thought I would talk to my two quite early, but I wanted to do it through honest responses to questions rather than having 'the talk' - but they never asked any! Even when I tried to engineer a casual conversation they just didn't take the bait. In the end I pretty much did have to sit them down and have 'the talk' (when DS1 was nearly 10 and DS2 was nearly 7), and from the reactions I got it was very obvious that neither of them had heard anything in the playground. I agree it's preferable to do little and often, matter of fact - but it's not always as easy as it sounds.

xmasadsboohiss · 09/10/2017 22:44

yeah there have been the 'everyday' conversations about how babies are made all along - periods just haven't been part of it up to now.

thanks everyone. feeling like i've really fucked up more than i thought now so will go off and figure out what to do next.

OP posts:

MrsMerryFestive · 09/10/2017 22:48

This isn't a fuck up. It's not that big a deal. It'll be fine!

WitchOfTheWaste · 09/10/2017 22:50

You HAVEN'T fucked up, don't beat yourself up. She hasn't started periods yet, so you haven't missed the boat. Just get a couple of good books and try her again in a couple of days. Maybe look for another way into the conversation? How about actually starting with telling her about sex (maybe initially in the context of animals mating - use a nature programme as a prompt?) and working back to periods as a way of the body getting ready for babies? Or maybe start with pointing out a few of the ways that boys change as they grow up, and working back to girls? Just a thought, to find a way of depersonalising it initially so that's it not so scary for her.

xmasadsboohiss · 09/10/2017 22:50

ketzele just to clarify no i'm not big fan of my periods, but the reason i don't want to upset her is because i have unexpectedly upset her tonight. before i mentioned it i wasn't expecting that reaction.

thanks - all your opinions are great to. just a bit much someone up thread throwing out that i have hang ups. unnecessarily personal but well meant i'm sure.

OP posts:

Caulkheadupnorf · 09/10/2017 22:51

Even if you didn’t think she was going to get a period soon, her friends may and it will be talked about. It would be embarrassing for her I imagine if she didn’t have any idea what they were talking about.

WitchOfTheWaste · 09/10/2017 22:52

Sorry, just realised you've already talked about how babies are made. Could still look at puberty in the broader context though rather than focusing on periods. I've just got the Usbborne 'What's happening to me?' book and it's very good.

giggly · 09/10/2017 22:54

Hey op I didn't have the full blown discussion with my dd until she was 10. She told me clearly that she didnt want to know any more at that point. Cue me dropping bits of information into our random chats. By the time she started at 11 1/2 she knew enough.
What I wasn't expecting was the "what's a blow job " question
That was delivered with her hiding her head under a blanket while I tried not to laugh.

Crumbs1 · 09/10/2017 22:57

Take her to Boots to choose some pads to squirrel away.
Give her a tampon to play with - use food coloured water in a bottle to demonstrate their effectiveness.
Let her know when you have a period and that you're OK about it.
The books are a good idea.
Watch some of those mothers giving birth programmes together and work backwards.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2017 22:58

She was probably upset as you didn't give her an explanation for the blood. I'd be upset too I think. Get her a book and read it with her.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/10/2017 22:58

I started mine at 10 and hadn't had any warning, though I did know about periods from reading my Gran's Womens' Realms etc. Good you've talked to her well in advance of her starting, she probably needs time to get used to the idea.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 09/10/2017 23:05

Better slightly late than never OP. My Mum had the chat with me when I was about 12 by which time we'd already done it in school...and clearly my friend already knew exactly what was being talked about and I didn't have a clue! I think it would be a good idea to give more info than that you bleed every month. Because tbh that sounds a bit more scary than it is.

My DD is 5 and she doesn't know yet. But my son who is 8 knows that women have eggs that are released every month and if the egg doesn't turn into a baby it comes out of the body with a bit of blood.

I'm not a prude but slightly at the pp who changes her tampons in front of her children. Why would you do that? I agree there is stuff they need to know but they don't need to see their mother change her tampon.

GlacindaTheTroll · 09/10/2017 23:08

"please guys i don't have hang ups and i didn't make a big deal of it. quite the contrary. i just don't want to upset her. i was hoping for a bit of friendly advice - not a slagging off by people who don't know me. she my eldest and it's unknown territory for me."

Look, I get that you don't want to hear it. But your over-cautious attitude does come across as a hang up. You have left it rather late, and seem to be expecting difficulties. I think you need to stop treating this as a big deal. And that is intended as helpful advice that supports your DD who needs informative adults, not concerned ones.

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MrsMerryFestive · 09/10/2017 23:11

Changing your tampon in front of your DCs (or anyone!) is very vom-worthy. But I guess we all have different boundaries!!

Mine know about eggs, seeds and periods. What they don't know yet is about vaginas or how the egg meets the seed.

Ketzele · 09/10/2017 23:11

Why would I change my tampon in front of my children? Well, I don't make a big thing of it - and I don't do it now they are older - but when they were tiny, and attached to me like limpets, I would do it because I needed to and they were there. They don't need to see a mother change her tampon - no, and they don't need to not see it either. It's really not a big deal, but it did mean that periods were discussed in a very easy and natural way, from very early on.

ErrolTheDragon · 09/10/2017 23:15

Yes - its just a normal thing mums do. Surely most people take their preschool age kids into the cubicle when you're in a public loo, even if you can manage to stop them invading the bathroom at home?

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