Grammar school v high school

[Lilypad15]

My DD is 9 and in the year where she would start having tuition for the grammar school entry exam. Her dad (my ex) is absolutely adamant he wants her to go to grammar school. I don’t really want her to go to one.

Him and all of his family went to grammar school and me and all of my family went to high school so neither of us have experience in the other.

The local grammar school is about an hour round bus journey. Not too bad I guess but I don’t drive plus I work in the day, my partner works nights so is asleep in the day and my DD dad works 8-5 mon-fri about an hour away. If anything were to happen whilst at school, she’d be a bit stuck. Her dad lives basically next to the grammar school. I worry that due to that and the distance from our house to the school, his next thing will be “oh well she may as well live here during the week”.

I am of the belief that if you’re bright enough and work hard, you can achieve great things wherever you learn. He doesn’t believe that. He thinks that you don’t get opportunities in a regular high school to succeed in life. I went to school with people who now teach at Oxford and Cambridge or who have PHD’s, work in literal rocket science... without a grammar school education.

The high school is across the road from our house pretty much. It has a very good reputation and high pass rates at A level and GCSE. DD wouldn’t have the added pressure of travelling back and forth every day. There are plenty of opportunities there. They do lots of school trips to places like South Africa, America, the Mediterranean, Switzerland etc. I don’t see any reason why it’s not good enough.

Obviously I want what is best for my DD but I just don’t think grammar school is it. Her dad said it’s up to us where she goes and DD shouldn’t have a say in it but I don’t think that’s right. It’s her education and her life and I think she should be allowed to choose. I did ask her where she’d prefer to go and she said to high school. He won’t be told, I tried talking to him and he made out like I didn’t want what was best for her at all and I’d just be sticking her in some scummy school with all the common people.

Am I being selfish? Grammar school is for gifted children and I know from friends who went there that they are very strict when it comes to maintaining that reputation and as much as I want her to get good grades, I want her to have a good social life too. Obviously I don’t know how grammar school works as I never went but from the stories my friends told me, their social lives were replaced with extra lessons and home tuition instead.

I’m basically a terrible parent aren’t I?

No you're not awful. If the school opposite you is good then there's no problem.

It's what she wants so is she going to want to go through the stress of prepping for the exam?
Is she going to want to get up that early and get home that late?
Who's going to pay for the tutoring? The transport?

The reality is you can discuss it all you want with him but if your the RP you do not need his permission.

Grammar schools (IME) don't expect pupils to do extra tuition or extra lessons. In fact my DD's grammar sets considerably less homework than the other local secondaries.
However, grammar isn't the be all and end all and her dad does sounds like he isn't looking at all the options.
But it has to be your DD's choice ultimately. Take her to look at the different schools. Let her do some preparation for the 11+ if she wants to and it helps keep her options open. Let her choose whether to sit the exam. Then, work with her to decide what order of preferences you put on her school application form.

How do admissions work where you are? If she takes the test and passes will she be able to choose between the two?

Thanks for the replies! We are going to the grammar school open evening later today and the local high school one on Thursday. Her dad said if she takes the entry exam and passes, she HAS to go to grammar school. I’ve tried talking to him and the only time he will agree to her going to the high school is if she fails the entry exam for the grammar school. All of DD’s friends will be going to the high school so naturally that’s where she wants to go but she’s a daddy’s girl and won’t do anything she thinks will disappoint him and with him being so adamant, she will end up going there purely because he said. He says she isn’t capable of making an informed decision about where she goes which is why we have to choose for her but I dunno, I think that’s wrong. Wherever she goes she will have to spend 7 years of her life there which is a long time to be somewhere you don’t want to be.

As for her travelling back and forth and having super early mornings and late nights and everything, I honestly think that he will just suggest to her that she can live at his house during the week to save her all that hassle. He tried getting full custody of her when she was younger and then tried to get 50/50 when that failed but he didn’t get 50/50 either (it was more of a “if she stays here more I don’t have to pay you maintenance” rather than him wanting to have her more)

I just think that instead of her going to the school she wants to go to which is within walking distance of her home and is a good school, it’s going to end up with her going to a school she doesn’t particularly want to go to because she doesn’t want to disappoint her dad then she’ll get fed up of all the traveling and end up living with him and just coming home at school weekends and holidays. He just won’t be told though and so I feel totally trapped into him making this decision because he keeps playing the “she will have better opportunities for the future” card as if to say “if you don’t agree with me you’re basically saying you don’t care about her future”.

It sounds like he's making another attempt at gaining unofficial custody of your DD by demanding she goes to the grammar school.
As you say it's most likely she'll end up living at his, so what would be stopping him from applying for legal custody again? He's using his concern about schooling as a weapon to get at you.

Put your foot down & ignore his demands. You have your Daughter's best interests at heart he doesn't.
(Just out of curiosity how long has he lived 'next' to this grammar school? If he has moved there in the last year or two, well it wouldn't surprise me if he's been planning this school thing for a while.)

traceybeaker he moved to the house near the school early last year. My DD said to me she would rather go to the high school but when her dad asked she said she wasn’t sure. I know she only said it because he’s so sure of her going to grammar school that she feels she can’t say where she would rather go whereas I haven’t said to her either way and she told me.

It wouldn’t put it past him to do something like this i.e. sneakily plan things in advance to get what he wants. He knocked me up and then told me I HAD to keep it (I was only 18 at the time and terrified) and then as soon as she was born, he left me for another man. My mum swears he planned it all along because he wanted his own child before he lived a lifestyle where biological children aren’t quite so easy to get lol.

I have tried to talk to him but instead of listening he just attempts to make me feel like a shitty parent by even daring to say she shouldn’t go to grammar school. I didn’t go to grammar school and I did okay and I know people who went to grammar school who haven’t done so well. I just don’t see what school you go to as being the be all and end all, if you’re intelligent and work hard enough, you can get where you want in life regardless of where you study.

Hmm just as I thought Lily.
Having grown up with one, I have finally attuned sociopath antenna.
Presumed on how you describe him, he sounds controlling, manipulative & extremely calculating.
This isn't about where your DD goes to school, it's about gaining control over you & your DD.
Any normal father would want the best fit for the child & consider all the options, even if the final choice of school isn't what he wanted but is what fits & suits the child.
You have thought about what would fit & suit your DD.
By all means there is no harm in looking around the grammar ( just to look reasonable.)
But if you know that the High School is where your DD will be happiest, then channel your inner tiger & fight for her to go to the school that she really wants to go to. Otherwise I can see what happened to you happening to your daughter.
Trust yourself, you sound like a great Mum & you can stand up to him.
Remember he is using your DD as a weapon to fight you with & also to have someone else to control.
I feel quite sorry for him, it must be hard having all those inadquacies that he's too weak to confront & turn himself into a decent human being.
Keep remembering that he's weak & inadequate & you will stand up for yourself & your DD.

Excuse the mega post but people like him make me want to punch their lights out.