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Preteens

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Original poster

DD was not invited to best friend's party - do I speak to her mum?

15 replies

Happymonster · 25/09/2017 09:14

My DD 11 was not invited to one of her best friend's party at the weekend. It sounds like it was a sleepover with just a small number of people. Friend has just moved to a different secondary school so invited one or two from her new school plus two girls (also DD's best friends) from her old primary. DD was quite close to this girl - spent quite a lot of time with her in the summer etc. DD whatsapped the birthday girl to ask why and she replied 'if you don't know then that's why' leaving DD hurt and confused.

I have my whole life often felt excluded from things, and don't want her to feel like that (although I know this is not the first time this has happened). I told her sadly friends can be very mean but to know that she is better than that - she'd never do that to a good friend. Do I get involved and speak to the Mum or would that make it all worse?

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 25/09/2017 09:17

What would you want her dm to do? Make her invite your dd and have her feel unwelcome at the party? Unfortunately starting secondary school is a whole new ball game where friendships are concerned ime. .

Slartybartfast · 25/09/2017 09:17

no, dont get involved.
raise her self esteem by encouraging new friendship groups.

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 25/09/2017 09:19

Don't get involved.

She wasn't invited for a 'reason' according to the friend.

I would encourage DD to make new friendships at her own school.

Oly5 · 25/09/2017 09:19

I think you shouldn't speak to the mum but teach your daughter that unfortunately people can be mean and let other people down. Build her up... Say she's great and has other friends and although it hurts now, she will get over it.
Don't project your own anxieties into her

LiveLifeWithPassion · 25/09/2017 09:23

Don't get involved. That will create more animosity.
You have already done the right thing by explaining to her that other people can be mean and it's not a reflection on her.
Encourage her to make friends at school and out of school too, if she's in any clubs or after school activities.

Anecdoche · 25/09/2017 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slartybartfast · 25/09/2017 09:28

please dont project your own fears and anxieties by involving you and her mum in this party.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/09/2017 09:35

Don't speak to the Mum, the outcome won't improve the situation for you.

Agree with others - just explain the people can be unkind sometimes, it's not personal, and immaturity can come into play.

I would encourage her to make new friends now, and to step back a bit from this friendship, which has perhaps run its course.

Original poster
Happymonster · 25/09/2017 11:51

Yes - you are all saying what I think.... she's at an age where there will be hard lessons to learn about friendships and she has to work some of these things out by herself. I did say to her she'll be making lots of new friends at school over the next few months. TBH as I have a feeling she's been excluded from this little group's social activities before, she's better off moving on a bit anyway.

Party is done and dusted so it's not like I can influence anyone here. I suppose I just wish the other girl/mum would realise how hurtful behaving like that is. The mum is a bit like that too - has rather a sense of entitlement/social privilege (was probably the school alpha-bitch - I know plenty of people who find her annoying/overbearing) and may or may not deign to speak to me at a social event...

OP posts:
TvTan · 25/09/2017 11:55

I got this at 11. My best friend told me during the last week of the holidays, 'I don't want to be friends with you at secondary school." I just said "Oh" and assumed she would change her mind. She didn't. I tried and tried for 2 years to be her best friend. She'd sit with me on the bus but pretend not to know me as soon as she was in the school grounds.
Your poor DD must be hurting so much, as are you. I think best to encourage new friendships and let this go. She will ultimately be much happier.

GinandGingerBeer · 25/09/2017 12:13

Leave them to sort it out. No doubt the other girls she knows who were invited will tell her what friendship crime she's supposed to have committed.

Glad I'm not 11!

why12345 · 25/09/2017 12:16

Encourage a new friendship group. Your poor daughter though. X x x

Therealslimshady1 · 25/09/2017 12:26

They are probably just growing apart, which is normal at that age.

Don't make it a bigger deal than.it is. I'd downplay it, if anything, and def do.not involve the mum!

Sounds like you really dislike the mum (you called her a bitch Grin), and the girl is probably raised with different values to your DD, so growing apart quite understandable

Original poster
Happymonster · 25/09/2017 13:28

Haha yes I don't dislike the mum and always thought i liked the daughter as she seems to be still like a proper kid - into playing outdoors and nature and not fussed about clothes or how she looks unlike some who seem very grown up too quickly.

I suppose for the next couple of years while they are growing up there will be a lot of rejigging of the social groupings. Working out who you are and where you sit within the hierarchy AND feeling comfortable with it all takes time.

Would hate to be any age between 11 and 16 again - the thought of going through it with my daughter fills me with horror! I just hope she keeps talking to me about things and doesn't bottle it up. Sad

OP posts:
2014newme · 25/09/2017 13:30

Yes dumping of old friends is sadly common

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