Conflict with dd 12 over food

[user1494670108]

My dd and I seem to have almost daily conflict over food and it's getting me down, I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not.
For background, despite my very best efforts she has teetered on the brink of overweight for her whole life. She is not very active or sporty but is bright popular, funny and and adores her performing arts classes.
This evening she got in from school starving (has school lunch usually a pasta pot or pizza but was the same on packed lunches), had a piece of (brown) toast and pesto. Two minutes later she was getting a cheese string (her favourite snacks), I told her not to as that was double snacking and dinner was early tonight - cue a strop.
She ate a good dinner (same size as as mine) then played sport (her one per week outside school) for an hour and a half, on the way home she had two choc digestives (a v rare treat as I went shopping while she was in her activity).
When we got home I discovered that the multipack of haribo treat bags left over from her brothers party is all but empty - an empty pack fell out of her trouser pocket so I know she's been at them.
We had a calm discussion (she always denies wrongdoings whether it's this or not flushing the loo/ leaving her rubbish lying about), at the end of which I asked her to always ask before eating treats, there is a snack cupboard she can help herself to with nuts, muesli bars, oatcakes, dried mango type things in it, I told she can have those freely within reason but not the sweet treats from the cupboard above.
She immediately pointed out that there are sunbites (baked crisps) in the cupboard so can she have those any time ie now?
I pointed out that she'd just had biscuits and had already had toast so that would be too much snacking - cue yet another strop.
She eats meals well though getting veg into her has been a constant struggle, she has a big appetite but I feel she's also greedy and eats out of boredom.

I think I may seem controlling over food but I think if I wasn't she'd graze.
I hate the conflict and don't want to give her a complicated relationship with food but I'm fearful that she'd become overweight without some control from me as she doesn't seem to have much or any of her own.

What to do? Relax and let her eat what she wants or keep trying to help her make the right choices - the fruit bowl is always full but she rarely eats it
Crikey that's so long, sorry

I think you need to back off OP or it'll become a huge battle.

I would definitely continue with encouraging healthy eating.

What does DD eat for breakfast? Does she eat a healthy and filling breakfast?

Also, could you try packed lunches again with a healthy sandwich, fruit and healthy snacks? Food that will keep her full for longer.

I don't think that saying no to sugary snacks/too many snacks will give her a bad relationship with food. It never did me any harm as a child.

I just would stop having it in the house. No one needs loads of snacks. Toast or an apple or something fine.

I would cut down on the things in the 'healthy' snack cupboard as most of them are pretty sugary and will just have her reaching for the rest of the snacks.
IMO a piece of toast and a cheese string isn't too bad when coming in from school-(my skinny 5 year old would have similar)
But then serve her a smaller portion of dinner.
The sweets -I would be quite cross as that is excessive and not hers to have.

I have a teen who will come home from school starving and snack on whatever she can find, so I am sympathetic. I just don't buy anything anymore. There is always bread, apples. Bananas etc. I completely avoid sugary shite. Mine like rice cakes, or their sweet corn equivalent though.

Thanks, she eats scrambled eggs (2) on wholemeal toast most mornings, otherwise she has raisin Wheats but a big bowl which is often yet another source of cross words between us.
To those saying have nothing in that's sweet/ unhealthy, surely that's not going to help with learning any self control or making choices. not to mention the fact that we all enjoy a sweet treat here and there.
Packed lunches used to cause endless arguments as apparently I was ridiculous for putting in carrot sticks and fruit where all her friends got a chocolate biscuit and crisps. These days they usually have a sandwich, fruit or dried fruit, homemade cake and sunbites - a lot I think but any less is complained about and it all gets eaten

I could of wrote that myself.except my child is 8. I've adult children in the house who like to snack..and are like bean poles.dc number 4, takes after me...not a bean pole.so the snack cupboard has gone.only snacks are apples.yougurt for dessert.limited bananas..that way I'm not the bad person saying no.and everyone has their meals and an apple in between..same rule for the whole family.no one gets singled out.and the rest of us don't need the crap food either.

Not sure young teens have much self control ;-)

Does she have siblings? How's their eating? Sounds like she's just one of those who likes her grub and can't metabolise as fast as some. I think you have to accept that you are going to have far less control over what she needs now that she is becoming a teenager. It does sound as if there is a lot of conversation and conflict around food which probably isn't healthy for your relationship. Is there any way you could deflect those conversations onto her father?

There is another alternative....that would teach her self control...buy every person their own plastic box.... ,lunch box size....put in it 7 different treats ,some crisps,some chocolates etc..then give one box to each family member...everyone gets exactly the same amount,and they make it last a week.one treat a day..but nothing else to snack on in the house at all except fruit....(even healthy type snacks can be full of sugar...)so if some people choose to scoff the lot on day one,that's fine,they still wait a week for more..and one treat a day isn't exsessive,especially if it's used as a dessert...and the only rubbishy bit of food they get.

Why is she allowed to eat calorific food such as nuts and dried fruit freely? Dried raisins/apricots contain more calories than haribo. I bet if you lose your 'healthy snack' cupboard she'd lose something.

Also suggest you review her lunch. If she can't be trusted to eat properly then she should have a packed lunch. 12 or not she's still a child and under your roof, and you can control her eating by not giving her money and not succombing to her tantrumns.

Don't buy crap stuff then she can't eat it. I never had fizzy drinks, sweets, chocolate, biscuits, crisps or cakes in the house when mine were at home. They were 'treats' for when we went out. They all eat and drink what they like now and aren't so abstemious but I did my bit and they're all slim and healthy.

Nc'd as bit revealing.

OP I was like this around your DD's age, and my mum (and probably me too) thought it was just hunger plus greed, and the fact that we had very minimal 'treats' in the house. Yet it turned out/turned into years of an eating disorder, I was self-soothing with junk food, trying to get rid of my sad/uncomfortable/down on myself feelings with sweets and biscuits and other yummy things. Into my 30s I struggled til I bit the bullet and saw a therapist.

Is there a possibility there might be more to the overeating?

I agree that the battles are probably unhelpful. She will feel criticised and guilty for eating, and when she is older she will compute this to mean you think there is something bad about her figure and that she is to blame. I would say something occasionally, say once a week, aimed at the whole family (unless anyone is undereating) like ' can you show me you can limit your snacking otherwise I will buy less snacks'. Or go through a healthy eating pyramid together and suggest 3 meals 3 snacks and portion control (with gaps between and no grazing). With stuff like the haribo, make sure everyone knows 'what their share is', and only has that (this is great for self control because they can't have the siblings share and have to learn to tolerate the craving.)