We moved back to my hometown in Scotland a year ago. My 10yo DD was sad to leave some close friends, but so excited to be near family, mainly her cousin, 4 years older.
The school DD joined hasn't been a great success and there's been lots of nastiness; much more bitching and fighting than at previous school.
Meanwhile, her cousin has really changed. Where she used to be quite young, goofy and always there for DD, she now slobs about the place and has her nose permanently in her phone (normal, she's 14). The problem is, she's so rude and sullen with DD. It's hit DD like a ton of bricks and she feels she must be really annoying (something her cousin has implied).
Today, DD was round at cousin's house and she hardly spoke to DD. When she did, it was to tell her to "just shut up", and stop touching her stuff. When cousin was lamenting about missing a friend she doesn't see much, DD indicated that she knows how it feels, her close buddies are down in England, cousin said, "stop trying to make out it's worse for you".
I've tried to explain the situation to sis in law, but on quizzing cousin about it, cousin said she hasn't a clue what DD means, because she adores DD!! And that was that!
I have told DD she needs to keep her distance for a while, but she can't understand and she has no one to put in place of cousin. She does an after school club, but there are no great friendships forming there.
If I spoke to cousin, she'd probably be upset and tell her Mum, which could explode in my face, as sis in law can be fiery.
I feel I need to protect DD, as she's had a lot of adversity at school, leaving her a bit broken and feeling like she's no good. She just doesn't need someone else, whom she really needs, shooting her down too 😪.
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Fandangos · 16/09/2017 22:52
Aww, I'm sorry she's going through all this, poor girl. 
It's hard to watch, isn't it.
It's not quite fair to expect a 14 year old teenager to want to be friends and hang out with a 10 year old kid. Teenagers seem to only care about being "cool" and grown-up, and live every minute as though they're on camera broadcast to all the (judgmental and cruel) "cool" kids in the world. They're desperate never to stand out or be different or nerdy, or God forbid childish, in any way, so having a cousin 4 years younger - who still has "little kid" interests - trailing about would be absolutely mortifying to a girl that age!
That's not to excuse DN's rotten behaviour and the way she speaks to DD, but... she's 14. They can be really difficult at that age.
Your DD should be old enough at 10 to be spoken to pretty plainly, so just explain to her that teenagers are strange, mysterious creatures made of hormones and angst and hair gel. Perhaps give her some perspective, and ask her to picture herself dragging a 6 year old cousin (or sister, or whatever) round with her. Life isn't fair, but that's the way it is, and unfortunately she can't expect her cousin to be her friend at this stage. She'll come round again in a couple years time I'm sure, but not right now. I'd put it a bit more gently with DD, obviously, but I'd explain as clearly as possible without being cruel that it isn't her fault, she's done nothing wrong herself, and that her cousin is simply older now.
As far as her peer group and school goes... oh I don't know what to tell you. It's always difficult to move to a new school and be the new kid amongst people who have known each other for ages. While it's hard right now as it's early days, I imagine she'll settle in soon enough and make friends that she likes. The bright side is that 10 is not so late in growing up that it's a devastating change and impossibly hard to recover from. Peer groups at her age are quite fluid and "BFFs" change week to week from what I remember of it with mine!
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