Depressed by 11 year old dd's behaviour while healing from childhood with a toxic parent.

[bellarosa81]

Can anyone relate to this? Sorry it's long! I'm not even sure i'm in the right section - maybe someone can help me?

I feel so upset by my daughter's rude , selfish and disrespectful behaviour but what really hurts is the pain i have from my own childhood and how my mother was/is. We didnt have or do now have a close relationship - she never spent time with me or seemed interested in her children and examples of her lack of interest would be :

• barely cooked us food , had little food for us
  
• not taking me for a bra fitting , or buying me bara ..think i bought myself my first proper bra at 16 as I was too embarrassed!
  
• no talk about periods or buying products for me.
  
• Not coming to parents' evenings.
  
• lots of shouting at us and criticising/name calling
  

I suppose i have tried to erase these memories by being the mother i never had but always wanted. I am interested in my daughter and spend time with her because i love her and want to but now i'm resenting her behaviour.

I just feel that everyday is a battle with her and I can't cope. We have two other children who are very little and i'm trying to give each of them what they need. My daughter just throws it back i'm my face .

Most days I'm crying and miserable because of her behaviour but mostly because i now what it's like to grow up without a mother in their life. I want to be there for her but not sure I can be.

[hattyhighlighter]

Sorry to hear this and I can relate. It's very hard doing what's not been done for you. Have you thought about counselling for yourself? It might really help to talk through what happened to you. Ask your GP or look on BACP

[junebirthdaygirl]

This stage of her life is triggering you as its obviously a time you needed your dm but she wasnt up to it. This is common in those circumstances so please get counselling. Its good you are aware of whats possibly happening so in order for this not to go down another generation counselling will help you break the cycle. Dds at that age can be a pain but having your own issues dealt with will help.

[Kingsclerelass]

Total sympathy with you. I have an 9yo ds, and this summer he has been spectacularly rude to the point I don't want to be out with him.
Like you I try to be the opposite of my mum. He has lots of the things I did not, and I make sure he gets lots of time with me, play dates etc.....and he's just nasty. I can't see who he could be copying. good example & reasoning with him aren't working. My mum would have lashed out long ago but I refuse to do that.

Feeling fairly desperate too (or I wouldn't be typing this at 2am ) I am clearly failing but no idea what I'm doing wrong. So you aren't alone. Your dd will be back at school next week and routine will help. Maybe it's just a phase. All you can do is be consistent and clear and positive.

[bellarosa81]

Thankyou for all the kind replies. I Will look into counselling .

[corythatwas]

You need to get counselling not least because it is absolutely necessary that you should separate these two things from each other.

You were badly treated by your mother. This is bad and it's bound to have left you with a lasting legacy.. You deserve all the support you can get

But your dd's preteen behaviour is nothing to do with that. She should behave because she should behave: not because her grandmother didn't. It is very important that you see this and only hold her responsible for what she actually does, not for the bad memories it triggers. Try to tell yourself that her behaviour isn't actually worse because you had to make a great effort not to replicate your mother's parenting: your mother is responsible for that, not your dd.

You almost certainly need adult support to deal with the hurt child that is still inside you. As for your dd, you will just have to try and fake a confidence that may be hard for you to feel.