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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Daughter with head in the sand

37 replies

MrKlaw · 07/07/2017 20:56

Hi

Came home today to find my wife distraught and the contents of my daughter’s bag strewn on the floor in the hall. It was an absolute pigsty. Old lunch containers with left over food, random sweet wrappers she’s clearly bought from the local shop on the way to school, and mouldy food in the bottom of the bag. Even had her keys in there, which she had said she’d lost - but clearly she just didn’t want to look for them amongst the mess.

When we talked to her about it she said she didn’t know why she’d let it get so bad, but digging a little more she said she forgot about some of the things, and then they got too yucky to clean up so she just left them there. Not sure what she was expecting to happen, but putting her head in the sand just let it get worse and worse.

Can anyone help with advice or similar experiences? We’re going to need to put more structure in place - I’ve already put a lock app on her phone so she can’t use it after coming home until she has cleared her bag, got changed etc. But how do we get her to change her behaviour? I’m sure it won’t be quick but I will confess to being quite an ‘ostrich’ when I was younger too, so I’m dreading her having picked it up from me.

OP posts:
ChrisPrattsFace · 07/07/2017 21:01

So, she's messy? Untidy?

Original poster
MrKlaw · 07/07/2017 21:06

She is generally a little messy - she has a hammock for storing clothes which often has old/smelly clothes in, but we figured that’s just kids being kids. This was way worse though - her bag was like a dustbin with old, mouldy food, old letters from school that never got to us etc

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 07/07/2017 21:07

how old is she?

timshortfforthalia · 07/07/2017 21:12

Not sure how this is ostrich / head in sand behavior? You are projecting bigger issues (your issues?) onto a messy bag.

Just keep an eye on the bag and occasionally remind her to clear it out?

BrightBlueStar · 07/07/2017 21:13

Sorry but your wife was distraught because your preteen daughter had a messy bag?😂

On a (perhaps?) more helpful note - Like many (most?) other teens I was very messy at that age... Old lunch boxes and forgotten school letters at the bottom of my bag were par for the course!

Despite this I have somehow managed to avoid ending up in the gutter, and I can proudly say I am now a well-adjusted, well educated adult with a good job and a reasonably (ha!) tidy home.

If I were you I'd hand your wife a large G&T... and a grip, to go with it😀

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2017 21:14

How old is she? I used to be really messy but grew out of it.

ChrisPrattsFace · 07/07/2017 21:18

I used to be a pig, then found being clean and tidy was wonderful!
Every couple of days just ask her to bring her bag down - tell her to give it a quick empty so she doesn't have food going rotten. It will be enough...
I don't think she 'has her head in the sand' - she's just a child!

Fairylea · 07/07/2017 21:20

I am sorry but I think your wife has massively overreacted.

A yucky bag really is one of the very least things to worry about when it comes to teens. (How old are they?)

acornsandnuts · 07/07/2017 21:21

Wow. Mountains out of molehills. Chose your battles.

Honestly being untidy, messy and lazy are just something's that can happen when a teens brain starts to rewire itself it's s thing..really

The food thing isn't great but just a gentle reminder everyday to empty her lunch stuff to stop mound. But really it isn't that big of a deal.

Don't alienate your daughter over a mouldy satsuma or two.

BuzzKillington · 07/07/2017 21:22

'Distraught' over a messy bag?

You need to get a grip. That's just part of being a child. They are a bit thoughtless and then they grow out of it.

acornsandnuts · 07/07/2017 21:23

Actually sounds a but like my bag when I'm stressed for weeks at work.

BigBairyHollocks · 07/07/2017 21:23

YEh you are seriously overreacting.My pre teen son had actual goop in his bag,stuck my hand in to find a full library of books,old food, "lost" items,and goop😤😤Sure he'll grow out of it😬

2014newme · 07/07/2017 21:24

Distraught over a dirty bag is an over reaction, save it for if your dd takes drugs or runs off with the circus.
Throw the bag away.

Get her to empty it daily on fit. Give het a ticklist if necessary

PurplePeppers · 07/07/2017 21:25

Yes reminders. Again and again.

Dc2 'forgets' his lunchbag but we now have this rule that if it's not there when we do the washing up in the evening, then it's his to wash. He is forgetting much less Grin
Letters at the bottom of the bag etc? Quite usual TBH.

Same with clothes etc... btw. Reminders on a regular basis and insisting for things to be done in a certain way.
As well as explaination about how unhygienic this is (whilst remembering this is NOT the end of the world. She isn't going to die from mouldy food in a box)

acornsandnuts · 07/07/2017 21:26

Ooo that reminds me of my friends sons bag being opened months after a fishing trip to a swarm of flies and maggots. Now that didn't go down well.

NerrSnerr · 07/07/2017 21:27

A few months ago I hadn't cleaned out one of my massive handbags. I found a week old beaker of milk in it that had leaked everywhere. No one was distraught. Bag was chucked in the nearest bin though.

Babymamamama · 07/07/2017 21:27

I always have a look through my dcs bag. I ask first but just as a courtesy as I would do it anyway. I remove old apples, find school letters etc etc. Maybe you could do the same rather than this getting so bad? Sounds like she could do with some support around getting organised?

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/07/2017 21:32

I get it

Well I think I do

It's not so much the bag more that if they can't remember to empty a lunch box how on earth will they remember what bus to catch it what classroom.they are meant to be in and when....

I have one similar. Smart and capable however will probably "forget" how to eat or breathe in her bid to pretend the future isn't going to happen.. .

Birdsbeesandtrees · 07/07/2017 21:40

You should see my car ...

Original poster
MrKlaw · 07/07/2017 22:04

It was like this. The Bottom if the bag was furry and gloomy as the food had rotted. It wasn’t 'just messy

daughter is 12. Wife is a tidy freak. Bad combination :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrKlaw · 07/07/2017 22:05

..gloopy not gloomy :p

Context is helpful though so you lot all saying to calm down is quite useful. Not showing the wife though.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 07/07/2017 22:06

You and your wife need to help er check her bag very night. Get into a routine.

rollonthesummer · 07/07/2017 22:10

Get her to clear her bag out every week and job done.

Your wife sounds like she's totally over reacting. If she's such a clean freak, why didn't she look in the bag before?!

coldcanary · 07/07/2017 22:12

DD is 11, I get it. absent minded, 'I'll do it in a minute' and then suddenly it's a bit too much to handle. Constant reminders and standing over her until it becomes second nature is the only way I've found to go. It's taken a while but it does get better!
As far as your wife's reaction is concerned it's probably a lot of frustration as well, it can be quite demoralising to be sorting the same thing out time and time again with no apparent improvement.

jelliebelly · 07/07/2017 22:17

First thing we do when getting in from school/work is empty school bags together and check what's in there dd(8) and ds(11) otherwise I'd never read a school letter!

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