Don't know how to handle my 11 yr old

[teaandakitkat]

I don't know how to deal with my 11 yr old's behaviour at all just now. Here are a few examples, I don't know how to go about looking for patterns or explanations.

This morning he couldn't find his keys to let himself in at home time. He'd left it to the last minute so he was in a rush. I offered him a spare set of keys and said I would look for his during the day. He just kept repeating over and over that he couldn't find his keys, getting more and more upset and completely ignoring the spare keys I had offered him. He eventually was 15 minutes late for school, crying and shouting about his lost keys all the way down the road.

I get that he would have preferred to have his own keys but we couldn't find them, we didn't have time to look, and he had a perfectly acceptable alternative but he wouldn't have anything to do with it.

At the weekend we decided to get a Chinese takeaway as a treat. One of the other kids is not so keen on Chinese so dh went to the fish and chip shop and got him a fish supper instead. The fish supper was the first thing out of the bag so ds started saying "you said we were getting Chinese, that's not Chinese, why did you lie?" and crying and carrying on, even when the chinese food came out of the bag next, he refused to even acknowledge it was there and just lay on the sofa going "why did you go to the chip shop, you said you were getting chinese."

Then there was another key incident where he couldn't find his own set of keys and wanted to put his bike in the garage. I offered him the spare keys out of the drawer but he said "there's no garage key on there". I said "yes there is, it's this one", holding the garage key in my hand. He just said over and over that there was no garage key on the ring, getting himself all worked up and crying and shouting. Even when I went and opened the garage door with the key he just said "the door must have been unlocked, there's no garage key there".

It's like some weird combination of things having to be exactly right, a complete inability to be flexible and an inability to go against what he first said, even when the hard evidence is right in front of him.

I wouldn't say he's always been like this, it's gradually appeared over the past few months.

He doesn't change schools for another year so it's not anxiety about that, he's got a good bunch of friends, school have no problems with him, no major changes in the family or anything.

Tell me he's not going to be like this his entire teenage years? I couldn't cope.

That sounds really hard. Bumping for you. Sorry -- I don't have advice.

Have there been any changes in medication he's on or anything?

When he's calmed down/ next day even, do you talk to him about it? Is he able to see that it was odd/ unusual/ ott even? I think that might be a first step, so get him to talk about why it happened/ how it happened/ why it felt so intense to him and important at the time. Obviously not in an accusatory way. If he can acknowledge it, then I'd say you can work with him on it. If he can't, then maybe you need to get support elsewhere, so start with GP.

Sounds like an anxiety/obsessive thing, I know you said he doesn't change schools for another year but he could still be worrying about all manner of things. Agree you need to talk to him about it.

I have a nearly ten year old who sounds very similar in many ways. He has dyspraxia and is being assessed for ADHD, but I also feel that he probably has anxiety around a lot of things. We have signed up to a Relax Kids class which teaches mindfulness and relaxation and after an initial meltdown he did go and enjoyed it. I hope it will teach him some strategies.

Has he been assessed for anything? My DS is similar and has been diagnosed with Aspergers. It was quite tough to get a diagnosis as it really isn't obvious with him but AS often doesn't get diagnosed until later in chiLdhood as it is high functioning. I would take him to the GP.

If I try for example to talk about the lost keys incident this morning the conversation will go along the lines of him blaming everyone but himself- someone moved his keys, no-one told him it was time to get ready for school is he didn't have time to look for his keys, that sort of thing. He will completely refuse to acknowledge he was shouting or crying at all.

I guess it must be some form of anxiety which I find hard to understand. When he's behaving normally he will talk all the time, he's really open about what's going on in his life, he'll talk about what's going on with friends, anything bothering him at school. So it must be just a sort of general anxiety about life rather than a specific thing, or if it's a specific thing then it's buried down deep. I will have to do some reading I think about anxiety because I have no idea how to help him.

As for some sort of Asperger type thing, maybe. But there has never been any mention of anything at school, it's just at home with us. He would never behave like this in public I don't think. Certainly his teachers have never said anything, and I have asked.

Actually the more I think about this, he has real problems making decisions.
If his friends come to the door to ask him to go out and play he always has to come and ask me if he should go out or not. Not if he's allowed out, but if I think he should go or not.
This morning he asked me what he would eat for breakfast. He's 11, he can choose betweeen a bagel and cereal surely?
I don't think he's always been like this, it has developed over a period of time without me really noticing.
Do things like this happen just as a personality development sort of thing, does something happen to set it off, has he always been this way but it's just becoming more obvious now as he grows?
Who do you ask for help? The gp seems a bit too serious. School? Some sort of internet self-help? I'll look up the Relax Kids thing someone else mentioned.
God, when does parenting get easier? Never?

The school didn't notice aspergers in my son either. He is fine at school although awkward socially. I'm not saying this is the issue with your son but it's a possibility. GP isn't too serious. You can talk to the school but if he isn't affected at school they won't help. You can ask the GP to refer to a paediatrician.

Do things like this happen just as a personality development sort of thing, does something happen to set it off, has he always been this way but it's just becoming more obvious now as he grows?

Could be just a phase, he could be just overwhelmed with everything at the moment, I know at that age it suddenly dawned on me that I wouldn't be a child for much longer and it scared the hell out of me
I did think of Aspergers as well though, he may be at an age where it becomes more noticeable?

I agree with PP that some of what you describe can be seen in children with autism but I think that as this is new behaviour there could be also be other explanations.
When we become stressed our bodies are flooded with hormones which limit our ability to think clearly and make decisions. (This is obviously a very general statement and there are much more detailed explanations of what's happening).
Being stressed can also make it difficult to process verbal information clearly (which may explain why he seems not to listen).
Although your DS may not be obviously stressed about something children can pick up on all sorts of things that worry them (SATs, things heard on the news, friendship issues etc)
I think it may be worth helping your son to learn some techniques to help him calm down when he is stressed. Maybe the school can help with this too.
He is also coming to an age where there is a great deal of social and emotional development taking place so there may be some bumps along the way.
You are clearly concerned so I think a chat with his school is needed. GP might be able to help too. Hop you get some support soon