Yet another row with dd about her manners :-(

[Dancergirl]

I'm so down about my youngest dd (aged 10), I just don't know where I've gone wrong. She is just so rude and spoilt sometimes.

Today - she came out of school and said (light-heartedly) - 'if you make me do such-and-such I'll kill you'. I know it wasn't meant seriously but it got to me. I picked her up on it straight away and she said sorry, she didn't mean it that way.

This evening I was making dinner, just me and her tonight as older two were out and dh not home yet. I asked her to do a simple task - to bring my water glass into the kitchen. I hear her faffing around, I ask her again to which she replies 'why can't you do it?' I told her off and she did bring the glass in but I am so disappointed with her attitude.

I do pick her up each time she's rude and put a sanction in if necessary - loss of tv/kindle etc. She does care about the punishment (she moans about it enough) but it's having no long term effect. She's still bloody rude. What do I do?

To be honest that all sounds quite normal...unpleasant but normal.

The stuff she just blurts out and doesn't mean seriously I would ignore like the comment to kill you. The other rude comments I would pick up on but not make a huge deal out of, e.g. "Yes I can do it myself, but I asked for your help, in a family we help each other. Hop to it now please." I would reserve punishments for more serious offences!

Normal really?? I see lots of other children of the same age being pleasant and polite, that's not too much to ask for is it?

Just keep pulling her up on it. It does sound normal to me, as does seeing other children behaving well, it's when they are behind closed doors with those they trust that they feel safe enough to push the boundaries.

My DD is the sweetest, most helpful, delightful child...in front of others! She is a little horror at home. She told me she would kill me with the fork today because I was annoying her (nearly 6yo).

I agree it's normal. Ds 10 is all helpful sweetness outside. At home it's all mono syllable answers and 'why can't you do it?'. I just take it at face value and explain why. Or ask if he wants to swap chores with me.
He has started doing the washing machine though and is excited to be doing a proper grownup job!

DD1 (10) is like this, DD2 (9) much less so but does have her moments. I think you just need to keep calmly pulling them up on it and making them apologize. Neither of them would dream of being rude if anyone else could hear them, they save it all for me! DD1 has actually improved over the last few months, one thing that helped with general grumpiness was an earlier bedtime and making sure she gets enough fresh air.

Thank you, to be fair, she is very well mannered at school and other places so I suppose that's something!