I'm getting to the end of my tether with ds (10) dd (12). They are both so messy and disrespectful of the house me and dh spend far too much time tidying up after them. They never do as they're told, even after being asked again and again. We seem to have no authority over them.

I think the biggest factor in this is ds has adhd and autism, he is very bright but goes to a special school because of his behaviour. dd has always been very mature for her age, ds very immature for his, and she has always seemed to understand that they have been treated differently because of this, we have higher expectations of her. Just recently though the teenage hormones are starting to kick in and she is challenging us more and more. constantly calling us out on cracking down on her for behaviours that her brother would get a relatively mild consequence for. I have tried to be as fair as possible, but it actually would be unfair to have the same expectations of them in the circumstances. I've pointed out to her that ds doesn't enjoy any of the freedoms that go along with being more responsible e.g. going out with friends but she seems determined to misunderstand everything I say to prove her point.
Its exhausting!