Very explosive 12 year old

[Zippydoodah]

I am at a loss as to what to do. She is having a meltdown 1-3 x a day. Her behaviour is very controlling towards us - e.g. some of this is over food, wanting her sandwich a certain way or just the right amount of cereal in her breakfast.

Tonight, I was at my mum's til 8.45. She wanted to go home and when we got in, she refused to clean her teeth, saying I had to do it because she was tired. I refused as I'd done a day's work and was exhausted and, at 12, frankly, we're past this stage. The upshot is she gets increasingly angry and insistent and pours her entire water bottle over her room and her bedding (so has the energy for that). Her argument is I kept her at my mum's too long. Her younger brother, aged 7, didn't mind and just got on with it and it's not as if we have to get up early.

If I issue a consequence, it's like pouring water over a fire. When calm, she concedes her behaviour is unreasonable but there is nothing I can do to either prevent it or stop it from happening again.

Of course, if we give in, then, yes, we can stop it to a point but then she'll make the requests increasingly unreasonable - almost to see what we will say or do.

Her brother is not perfect but, normally, if we try to discipline him, he'll respond, maybe not first time but definitely if we are firm and consistent. With our daughter, it would not matter how long we tried, the outcome would be the same. This has been the case from day 1 - even with sleep training, toddler taming, toilet training etc, etc.

I am very anxious about where this is going and how much longer I can put up with this. I don't enjoy parenting and don't have the strength of character for this.

We have been to the GP over her food anxieties - e.g. worrying about throwing up if she eats too much - but they're not concerned yet as her weight is OK for now.

She has had support at school for issues with concentration and poor academic performance and they have been amazing but now she is having trouble with friends actively leaving her out of things and planning stuff in front of her.

BTW thanks reboots. Your post has given me hope that we can get through this. Could she be feeding off my stress? Most of it's anticipating bad behaviour, feeling a failure, hating being a parent (sorry - I would not if things were easier ), constant time.pressure with a child who is SLOW and has her own agenda

Argh. Still waiting.

Hi Zippy - sorry I didn't see your question sooner. I am trying to type a helpful reply, but it is taking me a while! Thought I would just quickly post this now so that you know you are not alone.

How have things been the last couple of months? Any highs or lows?

Awful. Daily kick off. Destruction and having obsessive thoughts telling her she will do bad things. Camhs is taking its time. Today's kick off lasted 11 hours on and off. She is showing signs of puberty too

Sounds very very similar to my daughter. She has various diagnoses, the main one being severe ADHD. Have a good read of girls with ADHD, they present very differently to boys. My DD also has ASD and anxiety issues which makes for complicated meltdowns.
I hope CAHMs comes through quickly, I understand the desperation of needing help. We gave up on CAHMs and went private, we were seen within 2 weeks. If that's an option for you, I'd recommend that route.

If you have a link ton any articles that would be great. I would go private if not too expensive. How much did it cost?

Hi Zippy, my daughter is a milder version of yours, especially recognise that feeling of pushing and pushing until she gets the 'no' that can trigger the meltdown- almost like she needs it?! I have done a LOT of work and reading on this...and if I was pressed to crystallise this down I'd say it was anxiety driven and either Aspergers is part of that or the behaviours it causes are similar so deal with in similar way. My favourite 2 books would be the explosive child, and also 'parenting your anxious child with mindfulness and acceptance' It's much gentler and more loving and non judgemental than punishment/reward or CBT approaches and really helped when my DD was doing obsessive things (around age 8 getting up in the night to switch all the lights and sockets off and counting up and down the steps 4 times) if this resonates please beg borrow or buy it! I think reducing the underlying anxieties is key, not by dismissing them but by allowing her space to explore them and not be judged. Also I think you are spot on that if you're tense and anticipating conflict that does feed into it a bit. Do you meditate (I highly recommend!) or do something similar every day that's self care. Also if you can some snuggle stress free do nothing together time for the two of you...we sing together in a choir once a week, and watch Once on Netflix together, these things are 'our' stuff and really nurturing for both of us, we get to enjoy each other without any nagging or stress! Also I have a new habit of snuggling in next to her at bedtime, before and after lights out, for about 10 minutes. It gives her time to talk if she wants to but just to feel close and that I'm THERE iyswim. It has really helped. Although important to get to bed early to do this. This time of year is mental busy and anticipation of Christmas is not pleasant for all kids. I'd suggest simplifying as much as possible and reduce how much you do even the fun stuff. But do have walks or se or whatever activity you do like. All of these things and more have helped us. My DD is having a really tough time at the minute with unavoidable changes in our lives and I have seen how much it ramps up behaviour. Hope some of these ideas help and I'll be watching with interest!

Sorry about formatting! I'm on a mobile! The other thing to say, are thou talking to her about the changes in her body...and also that these can affect her moods..normalise them a bit for both of you.

By which I'm not minimising what's going on at all! But a little emotional outburst could be more overwhelming for her if she doesn't understand why she feels that way...

Thanks, Meanderer. That's helpful.I have since read The Explosive Child and I found some of it useful but partly a bit too repetitive. I think I got the point about a third of the way through. I do lengthy chats with her, always have done, but, lately, I have found myself increasingly losing patience as her behaviour takes up more of my time and me away from DS. I am acutely aware that he's not getting enough attention. I also need to get DH on board as his approach is far too disciplinarian. I think he's slowly realising that it's not worth the fall out and that it simply doesn't work.

The appointment is for half term. I am really hoping that they can help this time. I have come to the conclusion that there is an issue here which neither she or we can help, although I will admit that we're not perfect parents by any stretch and, of course, we have the hormones thrown in. too.

Can I ask if your DC has issues and what they are, Meanderer. I am just trying to get my head around what it could be.

As for self-care, I am slowly becoming aware of the fact that I am needing a lot of space just to recharge and I'm glad you said even knock the fun stuff on the head because I'm thinking of doing that because I don't have the energy for it and it makes me feel mean