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Preteens

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Original poster

Accessing an 11 year olds phone?

62 replies

tumpymummy · 20/03/2016 15:19

I know this has probably been discussed loads, but some of the threads I have looked at about this are quite old, so I thought I would check current thinking. DD has just put a passcode on her phone. Says she doesn't want me snooping. Should I be?! At 11 (and at secondary school) should I allow her some privacy? I have a passcode on my phone (but my kids know it!) and in case she looses it I think she should but that I should know it. In some ways I would feel guilty reading messages she has sent, but I want to make sure she is staying safe and nothing inappropriate is being said. She says I should trust her, that they've learnt about internet safety at school. I've said that if she doesn't tell me her passcode I will remove her phone. Am I being too harsh and too protective and out of date (as she says!) ?

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/03/2016 15:40

IPhone Parental Controls:
support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201304

Android Parental Controls:
support.google.com/googleplay/answer/1075738?hl=en-GB

There are also apps available which offer greater protection/security until your DC figures out how to circumvent them

Of course you can only out controls on your DCs devices, not their friends....

Thethingswedoforlove · 23/03/2016 16:02

Grin itsall thanks

ThornyBird · 23/03/2016 18:16

But don't just rely on the parental controls Smile

Voice of bitter experience Sad

Thethingswedoforlove · 23/03/2016 18:25

Advice heard loud and clear. Haven't even decided on whether to get a smartphone or not. Main issue is that whatsapp groups seem to be the main form of communication.

Lunar1 · 23/03/2016 18:28

Id take the phone away, how can it be comparable with reading a diary? You are responsible for her wellbeing, unchecked phone/internet access is completely irresponsible for this age group.

NoOneIsInterested · 23/03/2016 20:26

Also remember that whenever you update your phone that you need to double check your parental controls haven't reset themselves.

..and YY to not blindly relying on the parental controls.... Remember this is warfare Wink

uhoh2016 · 24/03/2016 05:19

My ds put a pass code on his phone I made him take it off, although he'd put it on to stop his little brother playing games on it.
He doesn't have instagram or Facebook just WhatsApp between his class mates. I occasionally look at his messages my husband says I'm wrong to do this. On 1 occasion I came across some low level bullying / arguing ( well 1 boy wanting to fight another boy after school ) it was on a group chat that my ds hadn't got involved with the argument but we had a chat about it etc

NoOneIsInterested · 24/03/2016 09:59

WhatsApp is for 16 year olds and over.

BlueStringPudding · 24/03/2016 10:25

Been through this with then teen DDs who are now at university. My view was that the contract was in my name, and therefore it was my phone and I was entitled to check it periodically to make sure that all was above board and legal. No way was I risking my career and more on the basis that they might send and receive illegal images (although obviously my prime concern was their safety). I also told them that nothing on the internet can be considered private, and if they didn't want me to see/read it then they shouldn't be using that medium as it's all accessible if someone really wants to.

DD blocked me once from seeing her twitter feed, and was quite unnerved when I was still able to show her what she'd tweeted. I also had a google alert on her name and so anytime her name appeared on the internet I'd get an email and so she soon realised how visible things could be.

Having said that I did always check their phone in front of them, and we often went through, name by name, their friends on facebook etc and deleted anyone that I wasn't comfortable that they knew properly - and there were some.

Recommend using but not relying on parental controls. They will definitely help.

Thethingswedoforlove · 24/03/2016 14:47

I really didn't know that re whatsapp. Very interesting. Thank you.

girlsmum1510 · 27/03/2016 18:56

I have the passcodes for phones and every week Microsoft emails me my dds have looked at or downloaded. They know this happens and will for a good while yet.
It's not about not trusting them it's about keeping them safe for me.

JustDanceAddict · 28/03/2016 16:55

Yes you should have the password and check with their knowldge as well as teach her about online/SM safety as you can't legislate for other people's actions.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 31/03/2016 20:12

I do guides and the girls assure me they know about online safety... But are scarily accepting of online bullying, have open Instagram accounts so they can get lots of followers, are all too young to have them but are all older on there (one says she's 19 which terrifies me as she's only 12)

So don't rely on her connecting what she's taught and what she does. I'm guilty of that myself, and I'm an adult, although I feel j have better judgement than a child. I also think the boundary of "stranger" is blurred online, a friend of a friend is seen as safe, even if they don't actually know them.

I don't think you should regularly read all her messages, but I think you should have the passcode and make sure she knows you will use it if you have any concerns, or occasionally to make sure she's safe.

It's not like reading her diary because apart from in Harry Potter, a diary isn't dangerous, can't bully her or make her uncomfortable.

bella1968 · 12/04/2016 17:21

mine are 12 1/2, passcodes allowed but I should know what they are, I bought the phones for their birthday and I'm the one that's paying for them each month, apart from this reasoning, they are still children and not aware of what trouble they might unknowingly get themselves into, as a parent who is experienced you need to check that they are ok and not getting unwanted attention, this is what I explain to my children and they are ok with that.

It's different if they were 16 and had a Saturday job and were paying for it each month themselves and by that age they are more street savvy.

It's NOT snooping, people saying that makes me angry, you are looking out for your children not snooping and it is in no way like a diary! And the reason that I gave them a phone was simply for the reason of keeping in contact with me whilst they are with their father,

coco1810 · 26/04/2016 18:57

DS is 12 he had his first mobile in year six when he started walking to school on his own. He knows that the phone is my property, he pays rental with good behaviour. No lock codes. He has to befriends with both me and his dad on social media. I admit I periodically check his phone etc. I am keeping him safe. When he's old enough to pay for his own phone that will be when he makes the rules.

iseenodust · 29/04/2016 22:01

DS yr7 has passcode which I think is wise but I know it. He knows I randomly check for his safety and we chat about that. He's not on any social media but plenty of games. If he changed the code and didn't tell me the phone would be gone like a shot.

TeddTess · 03/05/2016 10:29

yes i know my dd's phone passcode, infact all devices in our house have the same passcode.

once she pays for it herself she can be as private as she likes. whilst i pay for it and i am responsible for her i can and i will check it. It stays downstairs charging overnight.

she knows that no matter how private she thinks it is she is posting on a public medium, nothing is truly private and nothing can be truly deleted. I think it's good for her to have in the back of her mind that "mum can look at this at any time". it's too easy to get carried away and write something/send something from behind a screen that you wouldn't face to face.

i've also disabled picture messages from her phone. largely because she racked up £6 on her last bill from them (35p a go, not included in the data/minutes phone package) but also because i thought she doesn't need to send or receive picture messages from anybody. If it's school stuff they can email it.

she is 12 and does have instagram, but not facebook or whatsapp.

JulieSmith · 08/05/2016 09:08

Just to add my opinion here, at 11 I don't think you should be snooping at all. I think that is unfair; just imagine how you would have felt at that age.
I also think it is unnecessary, unless they have shown previously they can't be trusted... The best way is just to make sure they will come to you with any problems, and just make sure to look for danger signs.

NapQueen · 08/05/2016 09:14

My kids will be told that they can have a pass code if they want but I need to know it. And a condition of the phone is that if I ask them to hand it over they do. I pay for it. I am the adult duty bound to protect them. Internet safety is now a big part of that. Not that I'd do it that often or at all if I didn't feel the need.

McBassyPants · 17/05/2016 18:36

Set it up so she can have a password but that you have the fingerprint recognition? That way there is no way she can lock you out of it

sassytheFIRST · 17/05/2016 18:45

Our rule is that any phones owned by our dds are actually OUR phones, which we allow them to use. After all, we pay the bills! Dd1 (13) has recently had her phone upgraded from a fairly rubbish thing to an iPhone 5 and it is accessible to me and her dad any time we want. We are protecting her. There will come a time when she has more privacy but not for a while yet.

SnowyDeer · 20/05/2016 19:30

I think she should have some privacy with her phone but knowing the password is a good idea but don't snoop!

OldBeanbagz · 20/05/2016 19:37

DD has to tell me the passcode on her phone or she doesn't have it. I do pay the bill after all.

To be fair she's nothing to hide. Even left me in charge of her phone whilst she went for a shower and left instructions to reply with a sensible text to the friend she was trying to help out. I don't think she trusts me to be sensible Wink

KP86 · 20/05/2016 19:38

If she has added a passcode she wants to hide something.

Vaara · 20/05/2016 19:38

Fuck that.

It's my phone. I pay for it, DD merely uses it with my permission.

Any funny business = no phone

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