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Differences causing issues between dd and her friend. How can I support dd?

1 reply

insan1tyscartching · 28/11/2015 14:06

Dd 12 is getting a hard time off of one of her very close friends. It boils down to dd and her friend living very different lives and dd's friend considering that dd doesn't "deserve it"
Dd is the youngest of five with her siblings all being adults and her friend is the eldest of four. Dd is probably spoilt in so far as she has whatever she wants (although she rarely asks for anything tbh) and she has 6 adults in her immediate family who treasure her presence and so is showered with attention. Dd's friend has a different life, she has a huge amount of responsibility for her younger siblings, she has loads of chores and her parents seem to have different priorities to ours and so she doesn't have the time, attention or gifts lavished on her that dd does.
Dd is very good and doesn't boast or brag but of course her friend sees all her possessions when she visits.
It's further compounded at school where because dd has ASD she has a TA assigned to her to support her. She has allowances made so doesn't do PE, does lessons one to one etc she's also academically stronger and so gets higher grades and is in top groups.
It all adds up to her friend being resentful and dd being upset because she can't do anything about the differences anyway. I've no idea how to make things any better. I very often buy dd's friend the same as dd with the small things, I buy her very generous birthday and Christmas gifts but it goes nowhere near to evening the score obviously. Any advice?

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Sundance2741 · 05/12/2015 09:44

I'm not sure what you can do. Encourage your dd to mix with other friends more? Sounds like the friend is jealous and I can't see how you can deal directly with that. You dd shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable or to justify herself to her friend.

My 10 has a similar type of friendship. They've been "besties" since the age of five but actually don't get on that well (!) and dd really prefers other friends when they're available. Dd is quite sensitive and her friend gets upset when that gets dd attention. Dd does much better at school. Dd has good social skills and gets on better with others than her friend. So I can see why her friend feels as she does but at the same time she can be spiteful and manipulative.

I've always supported the friendship and get on well with friend's mum but now they're older I am not sure they should pursue the friendship and will gently try to get dd to move on. They'll be going to the same secondary school but if we get a chance, I'd ask for them to be in different tutor groups, for example.

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