11 year old DD nightmare

[Pruprice30]

My god. My daughter is unrecognisable. She's been at secondary for 5 weeks and she's a nightmare.

She won't organise herself and resents others doing it for her. She says she will do things that she doesn't. She seems to have massive struggle doing regular things like...ooh, manners! Personal hygiene! Being civil!

I'm a nag. I'm clearly out of touch and don't get that the priority is watching you tubers on her iPhone, going to the skate park, and youth club. Homework?! I'll do it later...but of course it doesn't get done unless I remind her and then it only gets done with the minimal amount of effort that oozes resentment.

So she's moving out. Going to her dads and his girlfriend and 4 month old gorgeous baby. Leaving her brother, 6 and close step sibling 9, very confused. I'll see her alternate weekends and a Thursday, she tells me.

I'm fuming. I'm devastated. I want to kill her. I want my baby back. Part of me will be glad, there is a shadow when she's around sometimes, because. She is so moody and ends every sarcastic sentence with a withering look.

I'm letting get go. Power struggle only happens when 2 people are battling. I'm giving in in the hope that she'll realise her life here is actually pretty good. But what if she doesn't come back? Then I guess she will be happier. Isn't that what I should want as her mother for her? Yes...but I want her to do things better, to achieve, to aspire. I know dad will look out for her, he was an awful fella but he's a good dad.

I am sad. I am very sad. How has this happened? How have I packed her suitcase this morning ready for 10pm?

I'm looking on here for advice for my frequently vile daughter.
Sorry to read you are having problems with your DD.
I think in terms of practicality she'll be back. Will she be able to behave for her step mum ? Will she be going to the same school ? Won't you & your Dcs breathe a sigh of relief that she won't be around for a while ?

Oh god that is awful for you. My heart just sank reading your message. At this age they all seem to go through this pre teen stuff, but now your dd can use her dad's house as a way to get her own way, stretch her independence and annoy you at the same time it sounds like she is a very astute girl!!

I think you have two choices. If you have full custody there is always the option of saying no, and not allowing her to move out. It is the courts decision and it must be followed you could possibly say...this would be my first choice. The child is only eleven, she should not get the choice as to where she lives.... it will be a battle but it is one way to keep her at home with you.

Or you let her go, tell her you love her deeply, your home is always her home, and one day she will know what it feels like to be a mother. Then get a gin and tonic and some friends over for a good cry. What else can you do? you can be there for her, and never shut the door. I am sure she will be back in a matter of days or less, living with a frazzled mother of a newborn, she is going to get very short shrift with her tantrums, they simply won't have the time to deal with it.
What did her dad her say? Does he understand how this is for you? Is he supporting your position? I am sure this is not ideal for him either, so if you are on good terms, maybe hatch a plan together to bring her home to you? So sorry you are going through this, it must be really heart breaking, but she is still the same child underneath it all, just battling with her hormones, she still loves you, she is just finding her way in the world.