12yo son feeling bullied and literally burying head to avoid addressing - ruining summer holiday for him.

[Jel02]

Sorry for the length of this. DS is going into Y8 in Sept. He had a great transition into secondary school academically and socially initially but began to have problems with best friend from primary school, putting him down, making fun / using him as the fall guy in a new social group (consisting of old primary friends and new friends), whilst behaving fine on a 1:1 basis. My son can be assertive and handled this really well saying things to him like "why do you do /say -", and "it's only banter if we both find it funny", "I've asked you not to do -". DS has also spoken to school staff, and gone into school with the approach of "I need some advice on how to handle this situation".

We have spoken to school and parents but don't see the situation changing, so have tried to widen his social group, although we live in a small village and the school is small.

DS has joined a new scout group with the new friends from this social group. DS has been asked to join the school band, but doesn't want to as said group of friends don't think it's cool, and he also plays minecraft but won't admit to friends for the same reason.

The youthclub leader has expressed concerns that DS is on the outside of the group trying to being involved but said "best friend" is manipulating the group, and although we are aware no one is perfect she has assured me that DS is doing nothing to warrant this.

Initially DS walked to and from school with "best friend" and another boy daily. This has now become sporadic and DS doesn't know if they are calling for him or not from day to day. The walk home is when some of the issues with his old friends occur, so he doesn't fell surrounded by supportive friends. There are no others in his year to walk in this direction. He often walks home alone, when an incident has occurred (feeling vulnerable). Last day of term an incident occurred out of the blue with a boy the year above (he threatened to hit him and get his older brother onto him a few weeks ago. school know and dealt with it). On the way home he called DS names, referring to previous incident and he was not supported by his group of friends. DS walked off.

This seems to have switched a button in DS. He's worried and withdrawn, tearful at night and dreading the first day of term. We have come back from a 2 week family holiday which he enjoyed and engaged in, until bed time when all the feelings surface, and have done every night since breaking up from school. I have tried to engage him this morning with looking at the Kidscape website and the Big Mouth, Bullies and So Called Friends book. Whilst I've looked, he needs to engage in the process. He is currently under a duvet, refusing point blank to talk about it other than saying he doesn't want to think about it, and nothing he can do will change the situation. His plan is to "avoid thinking about it" by watching TV and playing minecraft and then just letting whatever happens at school, happen. I intend to turn all devices off when I've posted this, and maybe wait til bedtime when he brings up the subject (hopefully).
I can see my bright, confident, assertive young man becoming withdrawn and hunched over. Any help in convincing him he can make the situation change? Thanks in advance x

Oh your poor son, and poor you - I can imagine this is horrible to witness.

It must be awful for your son to be worried about the new school term so soon.

I'm a teacher, and I have seen the kind of things you are describing. Your son has made a very positive move in starting scouts. Has he made new friends there?

My advice to your son would be to join the band at school. Kids are envious and secretly in awe of the few that go their own way - joining the band would be a good move towards this. He may make some new friends there too - it only starts with a smile between two people.

I don't want to use the words bullying, but this is if it is making your son feel so bad. In my experience, kids do start to leave people alone pretty quickly, so hopefully this will pass for your son.

Being a kid is hard. I'm glad he has you.

Thank you for your response x He hasn't made any new friends at scouts, but given time I think he will. When bribed with chocolate (!) DS sat at the computer with me whilst I read some info from the Kidscape website, which was a massive step forward yesterday, though not sure he thinks he can change anything yet. He also agreed to have drum lessons at school, which I think will be a step forward to joining the band - being in the music department / getting used to the staff etc. So I'm booking that before he can change his mind!

It's just hard as a parent to be able to step back, look objectively and accept it will take time, so thank you for your reassurance x

Thanks for your message Howcanitbe. We tried that when we were away on our family holiday. We told him he was safe and needed time to not think about it and to just enjoy being away. However, at bedtimes (tired and not busy!) he became upset and worried and I kept putting it off reminding him that we would address it when we got back. This was partly because I felt we needed time to look at strategies to deal with his feelings and actions and didn't think a family holiday was the time, and also because I felt we needed to investigate new ways of looking / dealing with it, hence the book, website and here.
I would have left it a bit longer, but he gets upset every bedtime and I'm not sure being tired is a good time to address it, but by morning he's able to keep himself busy so won't address it . . . then gets upset at bedtime again.

I didn't want it lingering all holiday, but definitely take your point that the whole holiday is a long time to be thinking about it and working out what to do! I also agree with the fact that you're saying if he doesn't want to address it leave it. Last night wasn't too bad, and neither of us have mentioned the topic today - I think I need to (try!) to help him enjoy is holidays without giving into my urge to try to fix it asap, but talk to him when the time's right for him.... late night tonight perhaps! Thanks for your advice x

Well, was reading to DS last night (not something I've done for a while, but thought it would give us some time focusing on something else) and mid sentence he interrupted and began talking. We then read half of Big Mouths, etc and talked about it - it described things as though DS had written it himself! So as predicted - a late night!

I agree that DS is mature for his age and best friend's mum admits her DS is quite emotionally immature. DS has joined in sports clubs at school, but attended with said group of friends, and has resisted other opportunities, though they have been more academic, like debating clubs etc, he has refused. He tried judo for a while when he was much younger, which may be worth revisiting. I also think he would secretly like to do street dance (probably the same benefits you mentioned for martial arts), but again peer pressure gets in the way. I will keep trying. Your suggestion about talking to the scout leader is great- I'll definitely do that!

I'm just glad he's opened up- at least we have something to work on. I just think it'll be a slow, gradual process and I need to be patient! Thanks x x

Yes be patient.
And the best advice you can give someone is that this will pass. I promise.

Thank you x I now have a new crisis - perhaps you can advise :) DS has been invited to a paintball party, just before they go back to school, by one of the boys he walks to school with (when they bother to call for him), and "best friend" is going too, along with others in the group. DS wants to go. My gut response is not to, as all I can see is worst case scenario - all targeting him and him coming home bruised all over! My attempt at an adult, objective and rational response is that it may help the bonds of friendship before they return to school, making the first day more bearable. Help! What do you think would be best? Feel like I'm too emotionally involved to see the bigger picture!

The latter I think - I don't think there's anywhere locally to do it. If he chooses so go, I'm planning to find out all the details and either take him straight there and say we've been somewhere else first, or offer to help with transport. No other Plan B as yet...

We chatted last night about not falling out with them, but moving on and putting distance between them and making new friends. As far as the party goes, may be I should just keep myself busy whilst he's there, despite feeling sick about it!

I like the idea of financial bribe - I think that may work. His school is no longer teaching drama, which he loved, and although I've asked if he wants to join something out of school he was reluctant, so I'll definitely try the "I'll pay you to go" approach. Thanks x

Could he maybe go to and from school on a bike? It might cut out the issue of friends calling (or not) and walking home with him. He's then taking charge of the outcome a little.

Sorry if this is a rubbish suggestion, ds1 is only 9 and haven't yet had to deal with much bullying.

Honestly, it is not for me to tell you what to do, but if this was me I would be taking far more action.

I would be calling the parents of said best friend and going over to their house (or invite them to your house) for a chat about all of this, that would be my first point of call. I am a great believer in trusting other parents to help and engage if the problems in friendships are becoming so problematic the children can't deal with them. Lay it on the line about what is happening, and ask her how she can help before the situation becomes a much bigger problem and outside authorities are involved.

Secondly you definitely need to arrange a meeting with the school asap. I think yr 8 is a key year you can not afford for your son to be distracted. I would alert them to the troubles during the holidays, your ds and his plight and make sure they are supporting a solution within school. They may be able to move the classes around etc, and all teachers should be aware.

I would be enrolling my ds into kick boxing, self defence or something similar to generally increase his level of confidence and then he will be able to truly take care of himself and may make new friends along the way.

Drop the boy scouts and take up the band. Invite lots of other boys to your house that are not part of this group, and encourage your ds to leave them behind. Apart from anything it is not good for his self esteem. Take them out for fun days and try and move away from the group, the dynamics of this group do not sound healthy.

School run, definitely a bike would solve all of this if it is safe for him to ride. Otherwise leaving earlier or perhaps a lift there and back whilst the situation is as it is, and you can drop him close to the school but not outside.

However much you may wish to stand back a little, he is only 12yrs old, I think he needs your protection and your guidance and support. If it is ruining so much of his holiday and he is not even at school then it must be pretty bad.

I really feel for you as a parent, and really hope it gets sorted out quickly. Thankfully he has parents who are there and care for him so much.

PS I would not bother with paintball party, I think keeping a wide berth from said boys is the best policy. It is quite a violent party and he could live to regret it. If it was a film or something low key it would be a much better option. I would be 'busy' on that day definitely.

These paint ball parties tend to be quite big and party group on a team against another outside group iuswim, so he won't get targeted.
Let him go, it's better to keep these kids on side. Tell him to be nice an not rise to any comments ... It's hard but people will see the others true colours eventually, get more one to one friendships going, avoiding groups where possible, the best friend is being a shit, showing off in front of new friends if he's doing it to your boy he's doing it to others. A few ... Have you noticed x says y all the time? Makes others notice the behaviour, keep school up to date - y8 boy will k ow you mean business.
Your son needs a good buddy and a bit of confidence, if he leaves earlier for school he may notice others walking.

Thanks for everyone's posts. I've literally just got in from being away with the kids for a few days, without internet access. I did ask DH to check this for me, but he forgot... 1 job he was given!!! Fortunately, though the last few days away seems to have helped - a much calmer and less worried DS.

His younger brother has a lazer quest party later in the week, and DS has invited a new friend on the outskirts of the group, so he's been very excited about that. He decided last night that he doesn't want to go to the paintball party, so I've suggested that as a birthday present to his friend, they go to the cinema together.

The journey to school isn't great for cycling, but another friend is dropped off at school early and they have to pass our house, so we're going to see if he can get dropped off here and they could walk together.

Ilovemybabygirls - I have spoken to the parents of 'best friend' - they have become family friends since the boys started school, and we have been away together throughout primary school. As I said - we didn't get much support at all and are not on the same way length with this at all. They seem to think that his behaviour is normal and acceptable for their age group, and that our DS needs to "man up" - a response that didn't go down well!! The little brothers are good friends so we'll stay in touch (it'll be helpful to keep abreast of what's going on with them) but I'll begin to wean youngest DS away before the same thing happens!

The older boy situation was what my main concern was when I first posted, but I think DS's ability to deal with that is directly affected by the problems with his friendship group. I think it terms of that issue - we'll discuss strategies with DS for the return to school and if anything happens will contact school straight away - I'm just concerned that I can't keep running into school and DS needs to be able to manage a little more on his own. Maybe I'm being a little harsh?

Thanks for everyone's support x

ps I like the idea of DS saying "Have you noticed x says y all the time?"... throws it back at him using his own words.

Thowing things back is a great technique ... Try it! Shocks them and having hear what they said back is wierd ... And ball back in their court. I would also say, and this is hard, for DS not to say anything horrid back, so he comes away the good guy. There can't be scope for "well DS said "whatever" as it goes round in gossip an he looks just as bad.

The other thing to the parents ... Say it may be banter to you, but it's hurtful to the other kids ... Emphasise that it's not just your son being hurt ... So takes the sensitivity away ... You may wish to start a conversation, "my friend Julie is having terrible trouble with DD .. She think she's funny about calling BF a red head and now the other girls are excluding her as she keeps upsetting them .. Now she has no friends ... Aren't kids cruel?" Etc ... Sometimes they don't want to listen, sometimes they don't see the bigger picture.

Just an update for those who helped me through the summer holidays. First day back at school today (after a false start last week with illness that prevented DS going to school). Lots of tears last night and this morning, but he went and all was good. He saw the boy from the Year above who, other than giving him "a dirty look" did no more, so I have a slightly more confident boy. Work in progress but the hard part's done. Thanks again for your advise :)