I need help, i hate my 13 yr old son , i am sinking from his abuse

[sammysoo]

I am so tired and constantly want to run away from my home. I hate my sons behaviour towards me. He is constantly abusive and spends much of his time winding me up on purpose. he has been violent before but currently it is swearing at me for nothing. Today he called me some choice words because he forgot his sports kit. He threw dirty socks in his dads face. Farted hideously in my face on purpose. He swore at me to F off and stuck his finger up at me in public.He just lacks empathy and respect. I am in desperation. I do not know what to do. I cannot stand anymore of his abuse and he won't stop. I have struggled with him forever and tried everything. To be honest ,if it wasn't for wanting to protect my 8 yr old daughter, I would walk off and never come back.

The problem is that any sense of consequences for his behaviour excacerbates it. He gets worse and worse and more violent. I cannot handle all this conflict and have tried many times to get help but not got anywhere. I have tried everything, relate, therapy, counselling, nurtured heart approach, read every book and talked to as many people as possible. I think he has a mental problem. I want to get his brain looked at for abnormalities but dont know where to start.
Now I am losing it all the time with him. I get really angry at him all the time and just cant cope any more. I am trying my best but feel defeated and want him to move out. No where to go though -either me or him . I cannot believe I have a son like him -who is fine to those around him except his dad and me. I dont know what i have done wrong and cannot seem to put it right. Its no use explaining the complexities of all this on here.I just want some help to know if there is anything out there to help me and him before I go under.
My husband is weak and not much help. I am on my own with this. I feel completely useless as a mother. Messed it up. Tried my best but should not have had kids.
I am battling with this on top of moving home and countries, my husband having a severe illness, new schools, no friends and living in a new area. We have no money and I cant afford therapy. Waiting lists are 1 year for counselling on the NHS and I am sinking.
any hope for help out there?

When I read your message sammysoo and mumofboys040507 I realised I am not alone !

My 12 year old is unbearable at times. He has an ASD and ADHD diagnosis and is high functioning. CAMHS in our area are underfunded and about 2 years behind. I too fear for the future and I believe he is quite literally capable of anything. It's like have two differernt children in the house - an angel and a tryant. He can be loving and lovely but he can also be beyond terrible especially when having a meltdown. He rules our lives. He is violent to us all (my husband, my daughter and my other son), he is rude, swears, shouts in our face, punches, kicks, throws things, including the contents of his bedroom down the stairs or out the window, he is unpredicatable, dangerous, and very unkind. Nothing is ever his fault. Someone else has always made him do it. He doesn't want to do anything except sit on his computer games (which are limited and which annoys him but he is even more unbearable without them)

Basically everything you have both written I could have written. We've tried EVERYTHING including parenting support groups at CAMHS, which was interesting but not helpful. Everyone said the toddler would get easier - but no - the problem has just got bigger and more difficult to contain. Parents who don't have these problems tell me to discipline him harder. That only makes him worse! I'm told to have schedules and strict guidelines but he's way too clever for these. When we have a schedule if it's deviated from by less than a second it's all thrown out and he won't comply with it. This could be down to traffic or dinner taking slightly longer. Whatever - it's always my fault. I look at my other two children who are compliant, understanding, empathetic, kind and who really really struggle with him, and think thank goodness for the them otherwise I would really wonder what I have done wrong.

So the message is - I am not sure there is any help out there. I am trying to get counselling for all of us especailly him but those recommended are very busy and to be honest, yes it's nice to go and talk about it, hopefully it will help him with anger management - but that doesn't really help with the reality of the battlefield on the ground and the day to day living with it.

I have been told that these years - 11 - 16 years are the worst with these children. That's keeping me going together with the knowledge that people have worse things to deal with. Plus the fact that it's only another 6 years and he will be 18 yrs old. Until then I am doing my best and holding out knowing how fast the last few years have gone. I am just sad that he has spolit my time with my 2 other lovely children. By the way he never fails to spoil a day out or a holiday. We went to France in the summer and missed our train because he wouldn't get in the car. It took 2 hours to persuade him to come with us. Why - oh, he just didn't fancy it.

Sorry - no help at all but hang in there - you are really not alone by the sounds of it.

One good move would be to ditch the so called friend. She isnt helping you in anyway

I'm in a similar boat with my DS.
Am meeting with school tomorrow to see if we can get some support.

Have ordered the book suggested earlier.

Hi
So am with you. We have read the new kid by friday book....implemented it and found it too simplistic. We have done much of what it says but its a constant battle that grinds us down again. The problem is that when things go well there is a lovely compliant kid. The terrible eruptions tend to come from nowhere and leave us reeling and reactive. I have also now understood that swearing is part of school life too, so they are emerged in that world all day. We have all been through so much as a family and are all tired too.
I just feel like a rubbish parent. I have been trying to give him lots of love when he is nice and I do think that the 'finish you off' wind-ups start at bed time which we are very clear about in terms of boundaries. So I now bow out and let Husband deal with. I find myself too reactive to the agro. I think he wants some positve attention at night time like a small child and if he doesn't get it...creates negative. It is exhausting, probably all our fault. However, I have tried and tried to the best of my ability and realise I am inadequate due to my upbringing. Shouldn't have had kids.
Good luck and I feel for you mumofboys.
I know some people will read this and think "wuss" but there is a limit for me....I am limited in my ability to cope, had a bad start myself , this is all too hard. I will keep trying but admit my faults.