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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Social service involvement, advice please.

17 replies

WorriedCousin80 · 17/06/2015 18:14

Ok, long story and ive name changed. Am worried about my cousin who has had their DS taken into care and looking for advice. I'm worried she doesn't realise how serious it is.....

She has 4 kids, all the same dad but the dad isn't on the scene anymore.

She has a new boyfriend who had an arguement with the oldest DS (12yo) and during the course of the arguement physically assaulted him. So far, so bad.

Her ds told teachers who called in SS and police. DS said he no longer wishes to be at home and has been in care ever since, five weeks now. Refuses to see his mum. The DS had physical marks on him following the assault. Mum describes it as more of a 50/50 scuffle. DS would like to go and live with his dad. Dad often has to work on oil rigs and has no family support so can't care for the DS. He hasn't even been to see him in the care home but says if the DS wants to go and live with him he probably can.

Mum is fighting this as says he isn't capable of looking after the DS.

Other kids have been left with the mum but she's not allowed any contact with her partner. She's hoping that this will all be concluded soon. That her DS will be told to go back to her and she wIll be allowed to see her partner again. But she's just found out she's pregnant and has just had to tell the case worker and he didn't seem very happy. She still wants a relationship with this guy but won't if she's told she can't. Will SS let her now she's pregnant?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 17/06/2015 18:16

No. If they mean no relationship they mean no relationship.

hesterton · 17/06/2015 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

WorriedCousin80 · 17/06/2015 18:16

So will he never be allowed to see the baby?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 17/06/2015 18:19

That she will have to ask her social worker but potentially only supervised contact. None of us can answer that really though.

Damnautocorrect · 17/06/2015 18:20

What hesterton says an adult and a child is not 50/50. It's no wonder the poor lad doesn't want to go home if mum can't keep him safe.

I can't imagine social services will go "oh your having this mans baby, yeah that's fine. You crack on, all the kids will be safe now, congrats!"

LIZS · 17/06/2015 18:21

If she continues the relationship she will risk losing the children and having ongoing ss involvement. No contact means just that. Her choice.

PotteringAlong · 17/06/2015 18:21

And she needs to face the very real possibility that if she has been told age cannot have a relationship with this man for the safety of her children and she refuses to stop (pregnancy being a clear sign she's still currently in some form of relationship with him) then they will decide she cannot protect her children and remove them all, including the baby, from her.

Superworm · 17/06/2015 18:22

I think it very much depends on where they live and what the local SS thresholds are. Common sense tells you if he is a risk to one child, he is a risk to all the children but unfortunately some SS will close the case if the child has been accommodated elsewhere.

If it goes to a conference, then a plan will be put in place. the dad can have contact with his DC but it may have to be at a contact centre or similar.

Damnautocorrect · 17/06/2015 18:23

I can't imagine wanting a relationship with someone that hurt my child verbally let alone physically. I know she was thereand I wasn't but he's 12!!!!!! Not even a teenager yet, poor lads got no one stepping up for him

Original poster

WorriedCousin80 · 17/06/2015 18:24

She got pregnant just before this happened, like literally the week before.

She hasn't seen him since SS told her not to.

I'm just worried that even though she hasn't seen him that SS will use her pregnancy with him as another thing against her and remove all the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

WorriedCousin80 · 17/06/2015 18:25

She says she won't see him anymore if that's what SS say as a permanent thing.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 17/06/2015 18:27

Then I think you want to hope she's telling the truth.

tearoomtrash · 17/06/2015 18:28

As has been advised already, if she continues with the relationship against SS advice, there is a very real possibility of all children being removed including the baby.

Original poster

WorriedCousin80 · 17/06/2015 18:31

I think she is telling the truth.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 17/06/2015 18:32

Yes, they mean not to see him and to get them to sort out contact once the baby is born.

There's no such thing as 50/50 with a 12 year old and what speaks volumes is that the kid chose foster care and not to come back for 6 weeks - do you know how unlikely that is?

Original poster

WorriedCousin80 · 17/06/2015 18:40

Yes, completely understand that and I don't think she does.

OP posts:

Heartofgold25 · 23/06/2015 08:36

If she has four children already and she does not want to be pregnant, she should consider her options carefully with her GP. Another pregnancy and another child with a violent partner is far from ideal.
Focusing on getting her 12yr old back home, being a good mother and protecting and caring for all of her children has to be the main focus, and making absolutely sure they do not end up in care. Making a cast iron decision never to bring dangerous men into her home again should also be up there.
SS will find out quickly if the relationship continues after an assault on a child, and they will not hesitate to remove all of the children, I think you are right to see she is in a very precarious position. There is not a man in the land, in the world who is worth losing your children for.

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