11 year old DD so moody/grumpy/rude/ ...

[ninja]

Sorry for the long post

I'm really worried about DD's behaviour - she's really grumpy and rude. Occasionally she can be lovely and will even admit that she's not that nice to me but most of the time she'll be rude and unpleasant to a really upsetting extent (and friends have commented and told her off for this)

She can also be quite mean and violent to her younger sister (who adores her but tbh can really bug her).

She's not great with friendship relationships too - can be quite blunt with people and has upset friends a few times.

She started her periods when she was 10 over a year ago and that has an effect but it's more than that.

Her Dad and I split up around 4 years and he wasn't shy of shouting at me in front of her before that. She lives 50-50 and is quite a daddy's girl. He uses a lot of propaganda - criticises me and what I do with the girls, has told my daughter it's my fault we split up (a complete lie), told her that I like the youngest the best ... I get a lot of this thrown back at me.

She was badly affected when DD2 was born (wet the bed for nearly a year) and when we split up which has clearly affected her deeply. I thought, though, that she'd be recovering from that and getting used to the situation.

The other issue is that she's putting on more and more weight. Her Dad is very overweight and I'm not sure she eats that ell there. She also buys sweets on the way home from school which I have spoken to her about. I try and speak to her about eating healthy food as I know she's conscious of her weight (looking at the charts I'd guess she's on the 90th - 95th percentile). She does walk to school and I take her climbing and have active holidays (with er Dad she goes to cafes )

Saying all this she's doing really well at school and I do get a glimpse of the lovely child underneath this some of the time.

This is really making me stressed and unhappy and worried for her and I don't know what I can do to help her.

Is she y6 or y7?

Could she be:

• stressed about y6 SATs and the move to secondary
• not coping in y7 with the workload
• being bullied or teased
• general friendship issues
• unhappy about her weight but doesn't know how to address it
• feeling pushed out by DD2
• upset at anger between you and your ex

Or just a grumpy pre-teen?

DD2 is 10 and she went through a really unhappy phase a few months ago. Including out of character anger. It came down mainly to self esteem and friendship issues and the school have been really helpful.

I guess you need to balance firm boundaries with loving understanding.

Sorry, no help at all really.

I am not sure I can help, but want your message to be answered. I see it as you have three separate problems:

1. Behaviour
2. relationship with her father
3. Weight and health
4. Friendships

In answer to each one:

1. and 2) If my ex husband was being so hateful about me, their visits would stop until he was ready to keep things friendly and civil. This is just my view, and not for everyone I am sure, but is no way I would stand for any of this. There has to be boundaries, and it is not acceptable for him to lie, be rude about you, encourage your dd to behave badly or overeat. Or make her choose. If I were you, a meeting is needed with him to discuss new lines in the sand. Make a diary of what is happening and warn him of the consequences. It could be well be the root of a lot of your dd unhappiness. No one wants to hear people being rude about their mother, no matter how cross she is or isn't with you, it must be horrible for her. I would take control of this problem quickly, there is absolutely no reason why he can not have visits with her that are both positive and healthy for both of them, with no exceptions. It sounds like he is using his time with her to be get back at you. Unacceptable.

2. Weight. Maybe she is comfort eating because she is stressed/unhappy/worried. It is worth speaking to the school and asking for their assistance during school hours. This happens at our school and at most schools on request.
   At home I would exercise every single night together, walking, swimming, tennis etc. Make healthy dinners for the whole family and watch the weight fall off. If you know she is going to eat junk with her Dad then make sure she is eating super healthy food either side. I don't think it is easy to dictate to him what can be eaten whilst he is with her, but you could try and enlist his support, it is his dd so you would assume he wants the best for her. I would make this a priority for health reasons really I would. It is going to be far easier to get on top of this now when she is so young. It would at least be one less worry for you.

3. Invite every one of her friends over at every possible opportunity to really help bolster her friendships. Friends are an important source of support and comfort and something she needs, especially at the moment. It will be tiring for you, but worth it. She is bound to annoy some friends, as some friends will annoy her, this is totally normal in the my experience. Perhaps some of her friends could come and join you some evenings when you are doing sports ~ it will build friendships and help her along the way.

I see a little girl who really needs some support both with food choices and friendships, but also a girl who needs to know that it is not acceptable for anyone to be rude about her mother, it is compromising her respect for you, and forcing her into camp mum or dad. That situation has got to stop, it must be putting unbearable pressure on her.
I think you are right to be worried, and you sound like such a loving and caring Mum, and this isn't anything that you can't fix. This could all be fixed in a few months, but will need some energy and commitment on your part. Did your ex husband bully you? It doesn't sound like you feel you can be assertive with him, and state your needs clearly, you seem worried to do this, in which case you may also need some external support. I hope it works out for you and your dd. Keep us posted.

Year 7 - she's a lot happier at secondary than she was at primary. At primary there were only 4 other girls in her year none of whom she was friendly with. Her best friend was in the year above and DD wasn't always accepted by her friendship group. Yr 6 was difficult because her friend wasn't there.

Work-wise she's doing exceptionally, top in credits (for work and behaviour) for the whole year and top or close to in a lot of subjects so I don;t think that's causing issues. The behaviour has been going on for a while though.

She seems to have a few friends there but I think she finds being sociable hard.

I think she is concerned by her weight. I'm trying not to mention it but to talk about healthy eating and keep her active. It's hard, though, when she's at her Dad's half of the time.

I think she does feel pushed out by DD2, but tbh we do a lot of stuff around DD1. DD2 can be a bit of a handful

Yes - I think she's been badly affected in the past with the anger between ExH and me. I'm doing my best to make sure she can't see any of it, but as I say he's quite capable of stirring it up.

It is a help just to talk it through and try and work out what is normal pre/teen behaviour and what is more than that.

I think I will try and talk to her school, but as they don't see any of the issues there I'm not sure what they can do. I wondered about talking to the doctor about it but if I tried to arrange counselling I don't think she'd ever talk to me again!

The fact she is doing so well at school is a good indicator that she is feeling mostly fine at school and on the 'inside'. It would be quite a cause for worry if her grades suddenly began to slide. This must be one area you are very pleased with, she clearly enjoys school and her studies, which is great for her and for her confidence, and definitely her future.

Weight is a really thorny issue, I think you right to be careful about what you say, you don't want to turn it into an issue. However you can change so much without saying a word to her. Quietly and carefully and silently alter dinners over time, and going out more walking and running can be done without a single word and just because the summer is here.

dd behaviour is definitely in the realms of normal if that was a question, it sounds like average to me with me dds being pretty similar.

Thanks heartofgold didn't see your first post when I replied.

She's at her Dad's half of the time and so I can't stop her going there and in fact she would probably choose him over me. She's allowed to veg a lot more at his and obviously has all the propaganda too. He won't accept that he ever does anything wrong and in fact would swear blind that I do. Mediation was an absolute nightmare and in the past Relate couldn't deal with him! He does love the girls though and he might not do things the same way I would but in general I would say he's a good dad. Obviously there are concerns about what he says to her.

I have spoken to him in the past about concerns which he hasn't taken seriously but you're right I really should try again.

I try and encourage her to exercise - she goes to Scouts which is pretty active and leads to activities at the weekends, she climbs and is really enjoying that. The reality is though that with DD2 to ferry around and homework etc it's difficult to do something everyday. Saying that she walks a couple of miles (to school and back). I could try harder though.

Good idea to see if any of her friends want to come climbing with her - I might try that. I'm happy for her to invite friends round and would never say 'no' if she asked. I've also had friends of hers on holiday before. She does have more than her fair share of fall-outs though I think. She'll say things that are hurtful without thinking of the consequences but is really sensitive about what others say to her. Friendships are definitely better now than at primary.

and - Yes ExH did and still continues to try and bully me. I hear his words coming out of her mouth sometimes

If any of you are still out there, I have a typical example.

I'm taking her climbing today, DD2 has to tag along but doesn't want to climb so this is for her.

I happened to say that she was 'looking very glamorous for climbing'

This was taken as hugely offensive, she won't talk to me, tells me I'm always upsetting her I never say sorry (I've said sorry if what I said upset her), that I'm always lying to her and much much more

I tried to pick a positive conversation, her new phone will be here soon. Well - I shouldn't have bought her a nice phone, she'll just get upset when she loses or drops it, it was thoughtless of me!

This will be it for the evening and then tomorrow she goes to her dad's and I won't see her for 5 days!

Normal?