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Why are kids so mean and how do you deal with the results?

7 replies

Hoolit · 23/04/2015 20:04

Dd10 yr 6 has just come in upset, she'd asked why her pals don't call on her when they play out. She can be a bit insecure but this came about after walking the dog yesterday and passed a bunch of them playing out along the street.
She was told by one friend that she always mentions calling but the others say no because she's annoying.
Cue lots of "this always happens ,I'm always on the edge of the group the friend they always laugh at".
She had a best friend that was not there tonight but who causes loads of issues but according to Dd is very popular and she always compares herself unfavorably to her and apparently she'd also said she was annoying.
I try to suggest things but get shot down but it's so hard to watch her hurting.
We've had lots of tears over things the best friend says and does and how she perceives that they are treated differently amongst her peers. How do you help, toughen your children up? Does she need to toughen up? She does have other friends and I've suggested inviting them over but they don't "play"! So I've retreated to the living room for now!
So,any ideas gratefully received to help me survive the next few years Smile

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FauxFox · 24/04/2015 17:01

Invite her fav of the friends who said she was annoying over for tea/movie night - if she accepts then she can't actually think your DD is annoying can she? It's proof! They all talk a load of BS at this age but I've found killing with kindness works best - not many kids would turn down going over to play and if they do it proves they didn't mean it iyswim?

Has worked for me and DD (10) this week. Good luck!

Hoolit · 24/04/2015 18:06

Thank you for reply, I will give it a go. When she's invited them in the past they've came, best friend often stays or asks her to stay. But I'll definitely make more effort to do it on a regular basis.
I do think they can just be thoughtless but it can be so hurtful!

Glad it worked out for your Dr.

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Hoolit · 24/04/2015 18:07

Dd, it changed to Dr as I pressed post!

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Heartofgold25 · 27/04/2015 13:15

Hoolit. I do think this was quite a mean thing to happen to your dd and I am not surprised she is upset. It is unkind to say the least. I think any child would feel upset by this, they ARE leaving her out. So how is she supposed to feel? Happy? I think she has every right to feel cross and hurt.

If this my dd I would be going all out to encourage a new set of friends altogether and not worry about the unkind ones. I would ditch them all. I would tell your dd to rise above it, she doesn't need friends like that! Who does? They are not friends at all.

In my experience play dates at home with girls your dd barely knows is going to be difficult in the extreme. Why don't you take them all out instead? Bowling? Swimming? To the play park with some balls/tennis rackets/rounders bat. I would personally plan evenings out watching movies or things that require an active role. Not only will it take the pressure off having to 'play' and talk for long periods but hopefully the fun nights/new experiences will give the them something to talk about, bond and hopefully look forward to the next one. Home play dates only work well with new friends if they are doing something, so maybe you could do pizza making, cookery night. It is a big effort but your dd will thank you for it.

The bf can join if you your dd wants her to, or you could simply encourage your dd to have separate friends which would be better possibly...

Hoolit · 29/04/2015 21:44

Thank you heart believe me I have tried long and hard to encourage new or different friends but I think we are finally getting there.
You're right, they are mean and unkind certainly the bf who seems to have gone by the way lately. She's still in the group but closer to the others.
You've given some sound advice and I will apply it, she's so lovely and to hear her say she just tried to be nice and blend in is worth trying anything.

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Heartofgold25 · 02/05/2015 23:08

Hoolit your dd sounds like a fantastic friend and they should be happy to have such a sensitive gentle soul as a friend. In time she will find the 'right' kind of friends for her, this can take years, but may take much less in reality. In the meantime you are her best friend, right arm girl, and someone she can truly call on and thats all that counts. As a girl the friendship thing is hellish, but she will find her way, in the meantime thankfully she has a mother like you who is in her corner. What more could you ask x

Hoolit · 03/05/2015 09:34

Thanks for the kind words, I do keep hoping she will find some nice friends in high school in Sept but she's doing fine.
We're off roller skating with a pal today Smile

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