11yr olds "tantrums" in mornings

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Hi there.

after school run this morning - i took my friend "Anna" for a coffee and chat as she was in bits after dropping her 11yr old dd to school. She also has dd2 aged 8 and is a single parent.
Her dd1 is very high spirited, clever, funny, witty, strong willed and sees everything pretty much in distinct ways. She is giving her mum a really tough time at the mo' - refusing to do anything she is asked, pushing boundaries, shouting / screaming at her mum, throwing tantrums, refusing to wash / change clothes, staying up later and later at night. Dd1 is pretty much calling the shots in the home.

mornings are the worst - she will not get up. She screams, throws things around, smashes things and gets completely wound up. When she gets out of bed - she will sit ignoring her mum for up to an hour, refusing to answer her, eat breakfast / get washed / changed. She will end up. Lying on the floor screaming and thrashing around, kicking and punching her mum. Anna and dd2 are in tears every day and anna has tried lots of different ways to handle this. Both girls are now late for school every day and Anna is really panicking that she is going to get into trouble.
When calm, her dd1 denies completely that she is like this and / or becomes defensive. I was round once (collecting her dd2 for an early start to school trip out) and saw it all. I was really shocked by dd1's aggression ( and volume).

Anna is really quiet, not so confident but has ended up screaming back at dd1 and today was feeling angry, guilty, frightened and worried. She is worried that their relationship is starting to slide.
the kids dad has spoken to dd1 but he doesn't see the problem or witnesses it. He has a mental health problem so has little hands on time with the girls.

i struggled to suggest anything she could do but got her to phone work to let them know she would be late whilst i got her coffees and cakes.

i know her dd1 will be hormonal etc but it was awful to see her mum in such a state.
any advice i can pass on to her or any ideas on how i could support them??

That does not sound like normal behaviour at all.

She should talk to the school/and or GP for psychological assessment.

Thanks baba.

we did talk about forms of support and that the school needs to know what is going on - especially with the lateness.

Anna is worried that she is damaging her daughter and knows something has to change.

Bump for the morning MNers

I would consider videoing to show professionals. This sounds very hard for everyone.

It does sound quite serious I agree.
There may be a serious underlying mental health issue or a much bigger problem in her life that Anna is not aware of, but definitely she needs some support both the dd and the mother if she is also a single parent.

I think dd sounds very very distressed, and it definitely requires investigation with the help of everyone around her.

How is dd like when she is at school?
How is she with friends?
What are her reports like?
Can she stop when she wants to?
Is she being bullied at school? Hence not wanting to go to school.
Is she under pressure academically? Is she managing her school work?
Is she relaxed at other times at home? Is it just the school mornings. Would indicate problems again at school again.
Is she happy for the rest of the time?

An odd question, but is she getting enough sleep? Is she sneaking her screens into her room and possibly using them too late into the night? Lack of sleep can drive anyone to distraction.

I think Anna is doing her best to cope and isn't damaging her dd by trying to get her to school, but no child would behave like this without serious cause to. I hope they get to the bottom of it quickly.