How can I help dd to find a friendship 'group'?

[Dancergirl]

Dd2 is 12, Year 7 at a girls' grammar school. She wasn't particularly happy at primary school and was looking forward to making a fresh start and finding a nice group of friends.

However, as it often is in Year 7, it's been a bit of a bumpy ride. She discovered quite quickly she didn't particularly like the group she found herself in, it was all a bit cliquey, although she liked some of the girls in that group. I've encouraged her to make friends in her class and she does have some nice friends, but not in a 'group' as such which she wants. Her best friend is in another class so she doesn't see her much.

Over the last few months it seems like she's waiting for things to magically improve and this stable group of friends to form. She says that 'everyone' else is in an established group which I know for a fact (from talking to other mums) isn't true.

I was sympathetic but I'm finding it quite wearing now. She does tend to over analyse everything, who sits where, who's friends with who, who's popular, who isn't...how the popular girls are greeted enthusiastically when they come in and she isn't etc..... I just don't know how to support her any more. I never had this when I was at school - I wasn't particularly popular but it didn't really bother me; if someone didn't want to sit next to me in class I just sat somewhere else, I don't think I even told my mum. I was happy to have someone to chat to at break and that was enough.

A few weeks ago she was invited to one girl's house after school along with about 8 others. She had a fab time and was happy all weekend thinking about the fun they had had. So things can't be that bad can they?

So how do I deal with this? Anything I say or suggest she doesn't like so I'm wondering if it would actually be more helpful to her if I stayed out of it?

I think this is a very common problem in most schools amongst girls, and I definitely think you should remain the person she comes to with her worries whatever they are. Even if you think they are minor and over analytical. It is a privilege that she feels close enough to share her life with you, which isn't always the case at this age, and shows what a good relationship she has with you. It would be good to continue your support and not opt out, she clearly finds it helpful and I know with my dd really builds a long lasting bond.

A few things that worked for us with friendship groups in the last year or two:

1. Both of you should sit and identify the children she likes and has the most in common with, this will help her focus on what she is looking for in a friend and to actively seek them out. Nothing magically happens to make friendships happen, they have to grow and someone needs to sow the seed initially.
2. Actively encourage lots of sleepovers at your home/parties/outings with those friends that she likes the most, to help cement friendships. Life experiences really help create bonds and memories between girls. That way she will stop 'waiting for things to magically happen' and start taking control of her own social life and organising things with her new friends, it also gives her a platform to talk to them, and chatting at playtime etc.
3. I think you sound like a really independent person, talk through with her how you became that way, not everyone finds it easy to be like that. I am sure she wishes she didn't care as much as she does.

I think she sounds like she is being invited to things, so that is great, and I would keep it all going with the next one at your house with those same friends ~ and make sure it is really fun so everyone enjoys it, especially your dd. In a few months she should be fine. Good luck I hope it all goes well!

heart thank you so much for your lovely post, I think you are spot on. I feel a bit guilty now about moaning!

Yes we do have a lovely close relationship, funny how sisters can be so different - my oldest dd (nearly 14) is much more of a closed book and takes this sort of thing in her stride.

I had a chat with dd tonight and she told me sometimes she just wants to get things off her chest, and I told her she could always come and talk to me even if I don't have all the answers.

I do try and encourage dd to make arrangements and step in with organising if necessary. It's difficult though, a lot of the girls seem to have a lot of family commitments and it's hard to get them to stick to a particular day. Dd was going to meet up with 2 girls last week and it got cancelled, I'm not even sure why.

Definitely a good idea to host the next get-together here, I'll try that.

i think most friendships are formed through shared activities. what does she do outside school?

i mean outside of lessons, i don't just mean outside of school.

The whole point of mumsnet is to get things off our chests, you were not moaning at all, and were just talking through options, and life becomes so exhausting!! Esp I find with my dds there is always something!!! There never seems to be a point when everyone is completely happy and settled. Wishful thinking on my part maybe!

I agree with teddtess, friendships become deeper with joint activities etc they need time to talk, share secrets, experiences etc. The problem is no one has any time!! We are all stretched especially during term time. The holidays are a good opportunity and nice to get together when there is no homework or school pressures.

I was going to say the same as TeddTess

I think you need to explain to her that you don't form great friendships by studying other people and trying to 'fit in'. You form friendships by being who you really are, by doing things you enjoy doing, going to thing you enjoy spending time at, and then you meet other people who share your interests or even passions.

What does she do outside of school ?