Preteens
Please help me, I am at my wits end about my 8 year old dd's behaviour
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 21:38
Once again I have been driven to despair and tears tonight over my 8 year old's behaviour tonight 
She is the youngest of three girls, older two are nearly 14 and 12. I know it's hard for dd3 being the youngest after a 4 year gap, and older two dds are very close. But her behaviour is dreadful and is like that of a much younger child IMO.
She has a terribly short temper and will lash out both physically and verbally when she hears something she doesn't like. She seems to have no self control. I have explained over and over again we DON'T hit/kick/push people WHATEVER the circumstances and she is old enough now to explain with words what is bothering her. I do try to use time out for physical aggression but it's hard in a public place or in the car.
She also cries a lot. Over the slightest thing, like a toddler. Long, drawn out crying and whining that does your head in. I have lost my patience on many occasions, she brings out the worst in me and I feel so unlike the mother I set out to be
She complains so much about minor matters, it makes her sound like a spoilt brat. Something is always wrong - her toast is buttered enough, her clothes are uncomfortable, her shoes are done up wrong etc. Whine, whine, whine.
I feel I've failed her and failed as a parent. Although older two dds are lovely and generally very easy and well behaved so I must have done something right. I try VERY hard not to pigeon hole dd3 as being 'the naughty one' as I know it's a self fulfilling prophecy. And dd3 CAN be totally delightful. She is very sweet and loving, very attached to me, very physically affectionate, loves cuddles etc. When she's in the right mood she is very lovely and I really enjoy being with her. She has the luxury of being my only child still at primary school so enjoys my uninterrupted attention going to and from school every day.
It feels like I've been waiting and waiting for her to improve with age and she hasn't. She's now 8 and sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a 3 year old. I just don't know what to do any more
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 21:40
Forgot to say, I really try to praise her very specifically for good behaviour which she likes.
Smartiepants79 · 12/04/2015 21:44
Sounds very wearing.
How is she with other people? Her father/grandparents.
Does she behave like this at school? Do they have issues with her lashing out at others?
The only things I can suggest is making sure she knows you recognise her good points and reward good behaviours.
Does she has any responsibilities or chores? You say she act like a three year old, do you think you could be unconsciously babying her?
RandomMess · 12/04/2015 21:47
Could she have sensory issues if it's often clothes/shoes etc. that "aren't right"
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 21:54
She behaves very well at school, is doing very well academically and has lots of friends.
Chores - she doesn't do a lot, but I expect her to take her plate and cup over to the side, put her dirty washing in the basket, put toys away and generally clear up her stuff. I know lots of children her age do a lot more.
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 21:58
random my middle dd has mild dyspraxia and sensory issues, but this seems different somehow.
Smartiepants79 · 12/04/2015 22:10
It's interesting she only does this at home. If she really can't control her temper then I'd have thought there would have been issues at school.
It sounds like it has something to do with the family dynamics.
What consequences are there for poor behaviour? What systems are there in place to promote good behaviour or encourage her to be more grown up?
What about anger management of some kind?
Are there particular triggers? Does she recognise when she is losing it?
I would be completely ignoring the whining and crying if possible. Put in her room and walk away. she can sort out her own toast/ shoes etc..
Ratfinkandbobo · 12/04/2015 22:21
Family dynamics are very important. If she is treated as the 'baby' of the family she will live up to this expectation. Do the older dd's treat her/refer to her as the baby, little one. Or perhaps do you with not realising it. Try to get older dd's to talk/refer to her on an older more age appropriate level, the same for the rest of the family. Let her make some decisions. If she responds to positive praise them keep using this.
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 22:23
Consequences - normally loss of a treat or tv time etc. TBH I'm a bit in the dark, I really don't remember having to enforce consequences for my older two when they were younger. You would have thought I'd have the experience by now but this challenging behaviour has really thrown me.
What sort of specific things could I do to encourage her to be grown up?
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 22:25
I suppose if I'm honest, I do feel a bit emotional about my youngest child growing up but I try and keep it to myself. Do you think she is picking up on this?
Ratfinkandbobo · 12/04/2015 22:25
Also, my sister was 8 years younger than me and I and my brothers sometimes wound her up out of earshot of my parents (sorry mum and dad!) and found the fall out amusing.
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 22:28
ratfink older two also find her very hard work. Middle dd likes reading to her sometimes (even though she's a keen reader herself) and will play lego with her. But that's often short lived due to dd3's outbursts if she doesn't get her own way!
Ratfinkandbobo · 12/04/2015 22:34
I wonder if she is asserting her position in the family dynamic? Perhaps she has picked up on your anxiety over her growing up?
Perhaps she is a bit whiny by nature? My sister was and is still very bossy as an adult!
BTW your older kids sound nicer than I and my brothers were!
AliceAnneB · 12/04/2015 22:38
Does she have younger cousins that she could help out with? I remember at a Montessori parents night they presented on one of the advantages of a multiage classroom being that youngest children get to be in the role of helping smaller ones. It might help her mature to see herself as a big kid not just the baby.
Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/04/2015 22:43
This is me, exactly the same gaps as well and my youngest is headstrong but i think she picks a lot of behaviour up from the other 2. Older 2 more or less at same stage with same interests, want to be with friends, want privacy, don't want their little sister busting in on them. Its a hard gap
DD3, the other 3 can't talk to me, shes very clingy, very jealous and wants me to listen to her not them, constantly questions what we are doing or talking about to the point you cant have a conversation..
Screams a lot, other 2 wont let me play/in bedroom/go with them.
Smartiepants79 · 12/04/2015 22:44
I have never dealt with some of these things as a parent but can give a bit of advice as a teacher. It may not be relevant or work for you but this is were I would start.
Zero tolerance for physical violence. Agree consequences and stick with them.
At the same time I'd do some research into strategies you can teach her to help stop these scenarios happening. Learning to recognise her angry feelings and deal with them sooner and more appropriately. Having a designated 'safe' calm down space where she goes and no one bothers Her til she is ready.
Low level crying and whinging to be completely ignored. Hopefully if she learns it doesn't get her anywhere or change things she will at least start doing it less?!
Good behaviours to be rewarded. Days without whining to be rewarded.
Find something she can be responsible for. Maybe another small chore or two. Some bonding time with her sisters?
Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/04/2015 22:46
wow surreal, middle dd had processing disorder, keen reader, quietest of the 3
Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/04/2015 22:48
She complains so much about minor matters, it makes her sound like a spoilt brat. Something is always wrong - her toast is buttered enough, her clothes are uncomfortable, her shoes are done up wrong etc. Whine, whine, whine.
This is me as well, doesn't like food she ate two days before, doesn't want to wear these shoe's, im not going out till you get me different shoes, these clothes dont fit when they do, anything for attention
Dancergirl · 12/04/2015 22:59
Yes fifi dd3 gets very jealous if I compliment one of the others or if I cuddle them, then SHE wants a cuddle at exactly the same moment.
Momagain1 · 12/04/2015 23:18
Is there anything she can do, besides being youngest, to be special? If they weren't in Guides, for instance, maybe she should be. And everyone ekse should work really hard to make sure NOT to use the phrase 'baby of the family' . Refer to her as our Girl Guide (or other activity), 'my 3rd daughter' or 'our 8 yr old' , the big girl in (schoolyear) ' or other such phrases that dont reference her being the littlest, the youngest, the last, the baby. Whatever. The idea is to give her a clear identity unrelated to her position in the family.
Plus everything Smartiepants said.
Gileswithachainsaw · 12/04/2015 23:22
This is my dd too. same age. hard work you have my sympathies 
butterflyballs · 12/04/2015 23:27
My 9 year old is like this. She's such hard work but then we have rare days when she's lovely. But she gets up and just "starts" most mornings putting is all on a downer.
I've got a 16 year old too.
Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/04/2015 23:42
Its the actively placing herself in between me and the other 2 i don't like, i tell her No don't and that butting in is rude. I think its an attention thing but imo she gets the most attention from me. making my place to read suggestions
Gileswithachainsaw · 13/04/2015 10:02
How are you doing dancer
mines still at it this morning and now she's recruited her sister. We had to lock her in her room yesterday for her own safety and that of her sister. except now she's figured out how to get out of the door still so sitting outside the door still gave her the attention she wanted
not sure how I'm going to get homework done today. hope your fairing better
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