I have an 8 year old DS. What should I be doing now to make the next few years easier for him/me?

[909090Gertrude]

As most parents probably find, there are things I wish I'd worked harder on earlier on so that it was easier when the time finally came that they had to do it. Eg, using a knife and fork, wiping their own bums/noses, generally being more independent with things like homework/remembering things and so on.

What do you wish you started earlier or made more effort with or realise your kids were lacking the skills when they reached say 10/11/12?

Thanks in advance.

slightly different perspective but my dss is now 11 and I find that despite being really intelligent he has no empathy or self awareness.

at his age I was cooking dinner for the family, looking after myself after school and he struggles to make himself a bowl of cereal.

he is very babied by his mum and expects everyone to do everything for him. ie couldn't tie his own shoelaces and we had to spend the whole summer last year teaching him over and over and pointing out his teachers would not be doing it when he started high school in September. thankfully he did learn before starting but I am not quite sure why his mum (or dad for that matter) thought it was acceptable that at 10/11 for him not to be able to.

I would also teach him about personal hygiene as this is an ongoing battle with dss currently. he gets hot sweaty and muddy playing rugby but won't shower unless forced to - and I have threatened to stand him in the garden and hose him down! we also have to remind him about wearing deodorant although that isn't followed up by his mum.

Thank you. Yes this is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you. I think self care and personal hygiene are big ones and my DS is not exactly ahead on these things at the moment so I think I need to step it up.

Anything else from others, maybe the whole stranger danger thing and crossing roads should be tackled soon? Any experiences?

And of course the bird and the bees talk...in due course.

I agree with malice, teaching him about money is a good thing

and teach him about clothes and where to buy and what to wear. dss is bloody clueless and an absolute nightmare to take shopping cos he just shrugs and says "me" a lot. yes I know that is typical teenager behaviour but when he has no idea how to do up a belt and you are having to stand at crotch height trying to teach him in the m&s changing rooms is not funny!!

I think you should consider your rules regarding electronics use including internet access so that when he gets a phone, or a computer for homework or whatever the rules seamless extend.

e.g.
electronic gadgets off and out of bedroom 1hour before bedtime
internet access only in shared space, not bedroom
no access to 'over age' things
all passwords known to parents
just because they are 'yours' doesn't mean parents don't control use

Also rules re homework

• clear space for doing it
• to be done to best of ability
• agree when it is to be done, then do it (no leaving until the last minute)

Working also towards level of independence needed for getting to secondary. This depends based on where secondary is. e.g. road crossing, train/bus travel, what to do when things go wrong etc. Most of these can be left until y5/y6.

great thread.

I'm trying to figure out the next steps with 8yo ds. I'm aware that over the last 3.5 years at primary I've got to got to get him ready for "big' school and the extra responsibility it will give him.

was looking for a pre-teen growing up book yesterday. couldn't really find anything . They all covered drugs in a lot of detail (we've alrwady chatted about sex and growing up) and for some reason I thought it was too much for him. I'm being daft are I .

Strangers aren't inherently dangerous, after all if he gets lost, who is he going to have to ask for help? A stranger. Teach him to that he may TALK to anybody but he mustn't GO with someone he doesn't know. Teach him to trust his instincts about people.

At 8 I was starting to let my dd pay for stuff in shops herself and order her own food in restaurants.

I would suggest that developing and maintaining strong communication is key. I have a DD1 who's 14, and because I have always kept a strong communication (not always easy or welcome as they hit their teens ) it has helped us enormously to get through so many dramas and issues.

I agree with LastingLight - you shouldn't teach your dc to be afraid of people just because they don't know them.

Definitely agree about things like learning to ask for things in a shop or directions or which train platform they should be on, etc.,etc, and getting used to having to talk to people they don't know.
Yes to traffic sense
Yes to 'what to do when things don't go according to plan' - so having a conversation about what they would do if you weren't there to collect them at the end of school / cubs / football / swimming / whatever they go to. Or what they would do if you popped out for 10 mins but then didn't come back when they expected you. Or what they would do if someone offered them a lift, or asked them to just come into their house for a minute.
Definitely let them have your key and unlock the door. If you use buses or trains, let them get the tickets, etc.,etc. - all things that they will be doing on their own, they should be practising at this age, whilst you are still around.
Things like buying some milk or a loaf of bread - show them to check the date, get them to pay, let them work out what they are doing with the change when they've got shopping to carry too, etc.,

Thank you, really useful stuff there, I am making notes!

Just to clarify, I used the wrong term there in stranger danger, I am aware of the greatest threat of abuse being from people know to the child, and also how important it is to be able to speak to strangers when you need to and when it's nice to make chit chat. My DS sees me doing this all the time!

Re communication, do any posters have specific ideas on this, maybe I need to get out the book I've already read: how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, but any other hints welcomed.

If Malice is still around, could you explain more about what you see/saw the advantages if exposing them to news etc to the extent that people disapproved. Genuine question-I also don't over protect them when explaining stuff and usually tell it like it is when they ask questions but interested to hear others take on it.

First News is fab for keeping them up to date with current affairs in an age appropriate way.

Interesting thread. DD is 9, and I'm starting to think about the transition to secondary. There will definitely be food for thought here!

First News is fab for keeping them up to date with current affairs in an age appropriate way.

9090 Do you mean how do you keep them communicating?

For me - always sitting down to meals together is a massive help. No TV or radio and obviously no phones at the table. Since they could babble, we've always had conversation over meals.
If you are worried about them doing something then you can bring it up in a "3rd person" sort of a way....."Someone at work's dd went to a party last night and X happened - it set me thinking, what do you think she should have done?"...type conversation starter sort of broaches topics without you "accusing" them, or "nagging" them, but gives you openings for suggesting things they could do or say to get out of tricky situations.
Then, as they become teens, find something you can do together - whether it's walking the dog or watching Formula1 or Match of the Day - it's special 'together time' where you spend a bit of quality time together each week...that's where conversations come up.
Also, when you are driving them places. They will often talk in the car - I think it's something to do with not looking directly at you.
Be prepared to listen and let them work things out for themselves rather than jumping in with your solution when they have a problem to work through.

Save yourself whilst you still have time - adoption before the teen years. Do not read the teen board!! I am living (and I use that word loosely) with three teens at the moment and that is what I should have done :-) seriously though great attitude to forward plan. I don't know what I would do without the teen thread.

Ds1 is 12 and Ds2 is 9.

There are chores they are capable of doing and those they are expected to do. They know what their day to day chores are. Clean up after yourself is the main one, that covers a huge range of things from bed making, clothes into laundry basket, clean your toothpaste spit out of the sink, clear the table, shoes and bags away and coats hung up.

We teach them that not everything is about them, stop asking what is in it for me? Do stuff just to be kind to someone else and in return you may get a favour back. Life isn't fair, the only time you should be looking at what your brother or friend has is to make sure that they have enough.

The main thing I have said is this is not a playground, there is a time and place to do X, I am not trying to spoil your fun I am trying to keep you safe and/or protect the furniture/car/bed etc

They can both unlock the house, put the alarm on and turn it off. They can get breakfast, chop veg, butter bread, Ds1 makes toast.

In the first term of secondary, Ds1 cut raw chicken and fried it in a pan. So kitchen skills. Ds2 could peel an apple under supervision at 6.

I am a firm believer in teach them something, talk it through, it doesn't mean they have do that all the time, just understand the process like putting washing into a washing machine and knowing when it is full. Putting powder in and turning it to the right setting, unpacking a dishwasher, hoovering a room.

Also exactly what Back said. Talk through stuff. Because I have boys they have been going into the men's toilets for years. I tend to send them together, but they have a clear understanding of what to do if they feel uncomfortable in there. I tell them that they can say no to people, and if they are wrong about that judgement call I would rather them be safe than be involved in an incident that haunts them forever. Basically it is ok to be wrong.

I am a SAHM which gave them the wrong impression at a very young age where they believed they would have "a wife" who would do all the things I do now sooo funny. I reminded them that I worked, full time, then part time after Ds1 before the SAHM bit and that Dh does loads on a weekend in terms of unpacking the dishwasher, cooking meals etc

I am raising children to be fully functioning adults. That at 16 I expect them to be able to do everything that I do. (I went to uni and there were people, male and female, who couldn't cook, had never shopped for food or budgeted money before)

Save them from unpleasant step-parents!