Hidding sweets

[TheLastMan]

I'm after a bit of advice regarding ds1. He is 11yo and is allowed quite a bit of freedom re going out on the bike, playing football with friends etc....

However, it is also very clear that he is using that freedom to go and buy sweets. Not a small packet but stacks of them that he then hides in his bedroom (Just found them as he was asking me to help find something else in his bedroom).
We also have found a lot wrapping papers in the front garden and the back garden in the last week or so. The ones at the front of the house could have been blow by the wind but not at the back of the house.

Now my issue is how do I deal with it as
1- he has broken an agreement we have that he is not going to buy some sweets like this. For me this is a trust issue. (I've never stopped him to go and buy some as such. I just want to know about it to try and curb excesses. The sort I've just found today)
2- I'm pretty sure this has been going on for a while as his eating patterns have changed (not that hungry for dinner in the evening for example) + he has put weight on (again visible as he is swimming 3 times a week and it shows up now).

He is a quite mature child but is also struggling to control excesses sometimes. Sweets and biscuits have always been an issue since he was little (he has been known to pinch the ones from his brother in the cupboard fro example). Usage of the tablet is anopther one. He just can't seem to be able to stop by himslef.

Now of course, I could just ban him form going out on his own, search his bedroom or whatever but this is not what I want to do. I want him to learn to stop when he needs to and do that on his own without me or DH to tell him to do so. Any tips?

Anyone with some advise?

Tip off his dentist to give him a lecture scare the shit out of him on his next visit. Pictures of tooth decay and a demo of the drill should do it. And make his next check up soon, openly discuss with the dentist about making check ups more regular and if the dentist will agree a rescale and polish - nasty but harmless.

I think we all worry about this. If it were me I would stop the pocket money and freedom for a week or so because he lied to you and broke your trust. I think possibly he needs to 'earn' both back by showing examples of good choices with healthy eating. It is difficult to be restrained especially when you a child with money in a sweet shop (who hasn't had this exact issue!) but you can stop one or both of these opportunities until he has developed the self discipline he needs to be healthy.
I think it would be ideal to go to said sweet shop together, and he chooses good compromises, chocolate cereal bars, rice cakes with salt and vinegar etc. Together enlist what is acceptable and what isn't, perhaps he could list why some of the things in there are terrible options. Possibly you could restrict his going out and money together to once a week? Explain the impact of becoming overweight ~ low self image, can't run, can't walk far, can't dance or fit into clothes or be one of the boys. It is worth showing him the impact of rotten teeth and photos of said teeth. I think I have put my children off for my life with some rotting teeth pictures. My children were mortified at the idea they would be too fat too swim and too fat to walk if they made too bad food choices consistently.
I would take all sweets and biscuits out of the house, we don't have them apart from special occasions. If its not there he can't eat it, always have loads of fruit and yoghurts etc as a snack alternative. If he is hungry he will eat the fruit. I also used to steal my father's biscuits. Good luck!! He does plenty of exercise so hopefully you can help his sweet tooth a little.

PS Buy frozen fat free yoghurt for the odd treat they will never be able to tell the difference!

Sorry if this goes against the grain but I'm hearing alarm bells. As someone whose parents chose to control treats from me & my brother, I'm afraid I can't disagree with pp's more. This kind of control backfired on us and led to a lifetime of unhealthy, unhappy eating. Of course every family is different, & I know your concern comes from your love for him.

Try talking to him honestly. Give him credit for respecting your concerns. You're hurt that he couldn't trust you. That he has to hide things from him. Explain that. But ask yourself, Could you change your behaviour so he isn't shamed into hiding this secret eating?

Maybe take him for a walk and you and he can share some time to chat and exercise together?

I would be concerned these secrets are hiding some unhappiness. But you can help him - but please don't go all military on his freedom.

If you want to know more about the links between emotional eating and parenting I can suggest a book that's helped me in adult life, but I don't know whether mumsnet would think I'm plugging it?! PM me if you want to know?

Good luck Op.

honey I agree with you that a military approach isn't the right one.
To start with, next year he will be at secondary school, will go back home on his own so opportunities to go to the corner shop wo me knowing or being able to control will be VAST.

I'm not overly concerned about some unhappiness going round. I think it's more that he loves sweets and chocolate, we don't have a lot in the house and he is finding it very hard to control himself.
I was the same at that age and that's probably the reason why I'm worried. I'm still struggling to control this urge to eat sweets, partly I believe because it was a like the forbidden fruit and therefore very attractive and because no one taught me how to do it. But it started a cycle of using sweets and chocolate as an emotional prop.

I did tell him was really disappointed and sad re the trust issue. Because well .., I was.
But I haven't taken any decision as to what to do next.

I've been wondering if one way would be to have more 'treats' in the house so if he feels he needs to eat something sweet he needs to go for that rather than the shop.

Sounds like we have the same fears. I'm of the offer fruit, sweets, yoghurt, veg & crisps simultaneously mindset. There is no good or bad food. Just food, which we use as fuel. I'm amazed how often they respond with the healthiest, most nutritious options. I honestly think deprivation can lead to an inability to make healthy choices. Tying emotion to food (such as rewards or punishments) is counterproductive. I'm learning a lot from trusting my DDs choices. I've learnt food can be celebrated and not controlled.

My experience is interesting because it is 40 yrs down the line. My dh sounds very similar to your son, and if he had a whole ton of sweets in the house, he would eat a whole ton of sweets, every last one, even now. Even at 48yrs old he has zero self control. As a result he has taken away all of the biscuits and sweets so that he does not eat every last one, it is the only way he tells me. The urge just disappears when he realises he just can't have it. Some people are just like this. He was the same as a child and would do anything for a chocolate biscuit. There are no underlying happiness issues, he just loves chocolate! End of. He put on four and half stone in the end, and felt really sad and miserable about it.So he took action and has since lost weight and feels much happier for it, now the craving is not so much and has lost its bite, he has broken the habit. I think sometimes these things are simply a habit and a tasty one :)

I am not sure putting more sweets and chocolates in your house is going to help, I think he will probably just eat them all! If your child is not especially interested in sweets and things, such as Honey's, it is easy, my children aren't especially bothered either, but it is different if you have a child whom has a real zest for sweet things. I did notice you said you were worried about his weight, and so there must be some alarm bells already...personally I would respond to your instincts.

A new report this week suggested we should not be giving our children any sweets on any day even on a birthday. I think because there are huge concerns about obesity. I think this is going way too far, but replacing sweets with healthy treats that he enjoys. Celebrate family exercise and fun times together not food. Children if they could would live in the land of sweets quite happily until the age of 16!

I believe no self control is called an addiction, no? Learning that to go beyond moderation using any substance (food, alcohol, gambling or drugs) is normally an indicator a person is not in control of their emotions. Teach children whilst they're young that secret behaviours of any sort can be overcome with love and understanding. And I'm sorry but there is no such thing as the jolly fat kid. Of course I was the happiest fat kid at school, at home and with friends. But behind closed doors it was a different story as I overate. I learnt to starve, to binge and purge. My brother just overeats. Just because my dad couldn't have biscuits in the house for fear of eating the whole packet. Read up on the psychology of weight loss and tread carefully. I'm sure it will work out for the best

It reminds me that when ds1 was a baby he had no control either. He would eat and eat wo stopping up to the point of making himself vomit. And if you were presenting food to him again, he would carry on eating! He was only 9 months at the time . So much for babies been able to know when they aren't hungry.

Because of that, I've always been very careful not to give him too much and to (try) and teach him when he wasn't hungry anymore and when to stop. So that's actually not a new issue as such. It's just that now he has a bit more independence, he can 'choose' to eat whatever he likes.

Food wise, I was thinking more along the lines of no sweets but some home made, healthier cakes/biscuits or flapjack. So that 1- there isn't as much attraction to the chocolate at the sweet shop and 2- he can't go completely overboard.
He doesn't seem to have bought any crisps too which surprises me as we don't have any in the house either and I know he loves them.

That also means that I've never bought sweets. They've had some from the numerous b'day parties, Christmas and Easter. But very rarely bought from us.
They've always had biscuits and cake though.

So ds1 has never experienced a complete ban or being told that sweets are bad. Just that you can't only eat thst and sweets are only ok in small quantities.

All that won't help him in 6 months time though.

Good luck last man, I am sure it is just a phase and he is enjoying his newfound independence!!