DH vs DD Round One...

[WyrdByrd]

I always knew we'd reach this point.

DD is 10.5 and started puberty a while ago.
DH has no clue about girls (2 brothers, not very feminine mum) and very little patience for those tricky things called feelings .

For the last few days DD has been going on & on about a computer game she wants and tbh getting quite upset/stroppy about the fact it's expensive and she'll have to save for a fair while to get it.

After I'd got a bit frustrated with the whinging, she had a bath and a think & told be she realised she was a lucky girl to have lots of nice things and waiting/working for it wasn't so bad really...

...cue DH coming in & saying that actually she would have to wait until her birthday for it (September!) as we need to get out more & spend less time sofa bound with our heads in tech.

She was really upset and a row ensued, culminating in him saying 'do what you want, if you want to stay sat on your fat arse getting even fatter, that's up to you', upon which she, quite understandably shot up to her room in floods of tears.

I comforted her before going back downstairs & ripping DH a new one, and he has since apologised to her, but I can see this being the first of many rows where he just calls a spade a shovel & thinks it's no bad thing. His mother is the same - she had spoken to him earlier & he's always worse after they've been in contact.

Any suggestions on how I can get through to him that there are ways of communicating with young girls and his is only going to lead to disaster?

Cat

My MIL believes all sorts of weird things about food - comes from being a martyr to indigestion I guess.

FIL is lovely, he will have just mentioned it by way of conversation, and I may be wrong, but this all happened about half an hour after DH received a call from MIL who goes on a lot about DD/weight/exercise.

Your poor DD! Constantly being analysed by body fascists!!!! Do her family want her to develop an eating disorder?? They"re certainly going the right way about it. The poor girl will grow up with a very negative self image

MIL doesn't say too much in front of her...I think she knows what my reaction would be.

And I tell DD that she's the best and most beautiful thing ever on a daily basis so hopefully that counterbalances any negativity from elsewhere .

Glad to hear that

I do really feel for you Wyrd Byrd. It is so difficult for you! On the bright side your dd has a brilliant Mama who looks out for her and loves her.
Hoping dh realises what he has done and never says anything like that again, and with a little luck will spend the next twenty years telling her how beautiful she is, listening to her views and supporting her interests, being proud of her, THAT will go a long way to making up for his comment. He can turn this around now if he wants to, not all is lost. Quite the reverse this could be the wake up call he needs to build a solid relationship with his dd. IF he wants to. Lets hope he does.

Thanks Heart.

A week later DH and DD are getting on just fine, but I am still struggling with it, especially as I feel that what happened was really a case of pent up anger and frustration with me bursting out in the direction of the wrong person.

Dh and I have barely spoken since it happened.

Oh goodness really, are you finding it hard to forgive him? I am not completely surprised, I think you see people in a different light when they behave badly, especially when it involves your children. Has he noticed you are not speaking to him? At least he knows it is serious, which is no bad thing.

The thing is, he's just being grumpy & monosyllabic himself.

It's always me that makes the first move when this kind of thing happens, and I just can't bring myself to do it.

I can't help this whole thing is about you, your issues re weight and your relationship with your husband.

Is your daughter overweight? What your husband said was mean but if she is overweight you both need to help her.

She is tall and well built but fairly toned - the only issue is her tummy. If she lost half a stone she would be fine.

I have taken her to the GP who says to keep an eye on her diet & exercise and allow her to grown into it.

Since then she has started a regular sports club, she plays outdoor games on her break, rides her bike, goes swimming & body boards in the holidays.

She generally has a small bowl of muesli for breakfast, school dinner or an evening meal which would generally fit on a side plate & lunch/tea which is usually along the lines of a ham salad wrap, yoghurt, fruit and either a biscuit or bag of crisps. We don't have sugary drinks, only have puddings on a Sunday and she gets 50p of sweets from youth club on a Friday. I think snacking may be a bit of an issue so am strongly encouraging her towards fruit after school, and trying to cut back on treats at the weekend, but I honestly think it's a puberty thing - I was a similar shape myself until about a year after I started my periods.

I don't know what else I can do without putting her on an actual diet, which I can't believe would be a good idea at her age.

Am going to keep a food diary for the next few weeks & take her back to the GP if no change.

As for my weight, I have a huge mountain to climb, not helped by underactive thyroid, depression/anxiety & the fact I'm due for my second lot of abdominal surgery in less than a year in a few weeks time.

I know I've 'let myself go' and look like shit, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some kindness & support from DH rather than anger, frustration & disgust.

No it's not unreasonable to expect support from you DH, nor is it unreasonable for him to be concerned about his daughter. You've had a rubbish time health wise and deserve more positive support.

I'd cut back on the crisps, biscuits and yoghurts (if they are fruit ones) and increase the veggies.