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Preteens

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Original poster

DH vs DD Round One...

36 replies

WyrdByrd · 10/03/2015 22:09

I always knew we'd reach this point.

DD is 10.5 and started puberty a while ago.
DH has no clue about girls (2 brothers, not very feminine mum) and very little patience for those tricky things called feelings Sad .

For the last few days DD has been going on & on about a computer game she wants and tbh getting quite upset/stroppy about the fact it's expensive and she'll have to save for a fair while to get it.

After I'd got a bit frustrated with the whinging, she had a bath and a think & told be she realised she was a lucky girl to have lots of nice things and waiting/working for it wasn't so bad really...

...cue DH coming in & saying that actually she would have to wait until her birthday for it (September!) as we need to get out more & spend less time sofa bound with our heads in tech.

She was really upset and a row ensued, culminating in him saying 'do what you want, if you want to stay sat on your fat arse getting even fatter, that's up to you', upon which she, quite understandably shot up to her room in floods of tears.

I comforted her before going back downstairs & ripping DH a new one, and he has since apologised to her, but I can see this being the first of many rows where he just calls a spade a shovel & thinks it's no bad thing. His mother is the same - she had spoken to him earlier & he's always worse after they've been in contact.

Any suggestions on how I can get through to him that there are ways of communicating with young girls and his is only going to lead to disaster?

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Heartofgold25 · 11/03/2015 12:36

I have to say that under no circumstances should DH ever insult your dd's weight, this will crucify her confidence and self image, and will possibly lead to serious eating disorders.

If it were me, I would be put everything on hold and sit down in a serious way, and really spell it out to DH the seriousness of his comments and over reaction, the possibility of anorexia and bulimia in young girls and the the enormous amount of young girls and children living/and dying with it. Show him photos of children with anorexia. I don't think it is possible to overstate the need to get through to him. A question really he needs to answer is does he really want to be responsible for damaging his own child in this way? His language towards your dd is abusive. Plain and simple.

Some men do not realise the damage that can be done with tactless and thoughtless comments, but it isn't an excuse and we must do everything we can to make them aware of this.

In terms of your child, you should try and distance her from the comments, and state that he did not mean her body but was just loosely talking about others and a lack of activity. This will only work if he supports you and confirms he did not intend the comments towards her personally. He should never say something like that ever again.

I think there needs to be consequences and serious ones, if he over steps the mark again, because you really do need to protect your child.

I do also think DH seems very stressed, it might be worth asking him what is making him so anxious. It does seem to be a very strong reaction to a very normal behaviour/request for games etc.

A friend of mine's father said something very similar to her when we were 13, and she battled with a anorexia and bulimia for 15 years after that, and isn't fully well now. It hurts far more when someone says something so personal and unkind if it is the one person who is supposed to love and protect you. Their relationship went downhill quickly after that and his insults became worse and worse, and never recovered. It ruined their relationship, and she doesn't speak to him now she is an adult. It would be a terrible shame for DH relationship with his dd to end the same way.

MonstrousRatbag · 11/03/2015 12:36

Is it really a girl thing though? It sounds as though he just lashed out with the first unkind thing that came to mind, and if so that's a more fundamental problem than not understanding girls. Of course, it is true that what he chose to use as a put-down is particularly hurtful and damaging to girls (because of all the looks pressure they are under) and can really affect their confidence so I would agree you try and get him to understand that.

He needs to show her basic respect as a person, even though she's only young, and to use self-restraint. He failed to stay in an adult role and stick to his guns about the game in a reasoned way. What he said was the kind of thing I'd expect from a teenager.

I think I'd really just hammer home the message that I expect him to be the adult in any situation, and that you only call a spade a spade when the other person really needs to know it's a spade, and not as a cloak for being hurtful because you are irritated.

Fairylea · 11/03/2015 12:38

He said WHAT?! I'd be absolutely raging re the weight comment. He will give her a complex if he carries on. That is in no way ever, ever acceptable.

I can't get past that bit to be honest.

StrangeGlue · 11/03/2015 12:47

There's a fantastic book called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' I can't recommend it enough!

He also needs to work on channeling his emotions appropriately! His mum upset him so he took it out on dd. No either let mum have it or drop it.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 11/03/2015 13:45

I know Fairylea Sad

I am absolutely dreading seeing him when we all get home from work.

He has well and truly rattled the cage of my Mama Tiger and tbh I feel like when I set eyes on him I'm going to either want to hit him or burst into tears.

DD was fine this morning, but I don't think it's a comment she'll forget in a hurry Angry .

Sadly I think I'd need 'How to talk so your husband will listen..." in order to convince him to read that book.

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Original poster
WyrdByrd · 11/03/2015 13:46

I'm venting on MN because of actually be too embarrassed to tell any of my RL friends what he said.

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Thumbwitch · 11/03/2015 13:48

OMG. He said WHAT??? ShockAngry

There really is no excuse for that sort of language, I don't care what other things are going on, does he live under a rock that he doesn't know about all the image issues that teens, tweens and preteens are subject to these days? Utter utter wanker.

Time he learnt to curb his lack of control over his language - how cruel of him!

Corygal · 11/03/2015 13:53

That's a really nasty thing to say. And it's a very bad sign that a father would say that to his daughter, tbh. Is he fond of her?

I'm not surprised you're ashamed of him. Have a go in the strongest terms.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 11/03/2015 16:06

I do also think DH seems very stressed, it might be worth asking him what is making him so anxious.

He doesn't do talking about feelings unfortunately. It's getting towards the end of term so I know he'll be tired and more grumpy than usual, but there is just no excuse for him taking it out on DD.

As for making him aware re eating disorders - for the first 7 years of our relationship I was in regular contact with an old school friend who was suffering badly from anorexia. He never really got to know her as she was frequently in hospital for months at a time because of her condition, but it's not as if he's totally unaware of the concept.

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Thumbwitch · 11/03/2015 22:59

Even less excuse for him then Wyrd - have you told him how cruel he was?

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 11/03/2015 23:10

I doubt he registered the friend that much tbh, we weren't living together at the time, although my kitchen cupboard was covered with postcards from the days out they took them on at the various clinics to try and get over issues with eating in public.

I told him that what he said was unkind and a completely unacceptable way to talk to a adolescent girl in particular and that he was risking his relationship with her and we'd know who was to blame if she ended up with an eating disorder.

He was pretty dismissive of me to my face (he really doesn't like being disagreed with or told he's wrong - I think he may have married the wrong woman there!) - but I ended the conversation by telling him he needed to speak to DD and apologise before she went to bed, and within 2 minutes of my leaving the room he went up to her and they had a chat.

I asked her later if he had actually apologised and she said 'yes, but it still hurt' Sad Angry

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livefastlove · 11/03/2015 23:21

If you look at the two of them you might see a similarity in temprement! Neither of them likes to lose do they? Your dh might not like to admit to you he was wrong to say what he did, but perhaps he will think it over and realise he was wrong.

VirginiaWoofs · 11/03/2015 23:33

What he said to her was absolutely horrific. Hmm

livefastlove · 11/03/2015 23:39

Maybe a little bonding time for the two of them might help? Does he do things with her? My dd idolises her dad and thinks it is great to go out for a one to one outing with him. I wouldn't say dh is sensitive and touchy feely but her does listen to her chat on about YouTube and take an interest in her opinions and is quite kind about talking to her nicely.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 11/03/2015 23:40

Neither of them likes to lose do they?

I don't think not wanting to lose comes into it where DD is concerned - I'm sure most 10yo's get a bee in their bonnet from time to time.

DD had already happily come to compromise of her own making - she would earn the money for the game by doing chores/saving anything she gets from the GPs which would take several weeks, and had suggested herself that if she could have the game as soon as she'd saved enough for it she would happily abide by screen time restrictions.

Anyway, DH did apologise so I suppose it's move on and hope we don't have a repeat performance...

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Original poster
WyrdByrd · 11/03/2015 23:43

DH and I both work term time only so she gets lots of time with both of us.

They share a hobby which takes them out together for 5-6 hours at a time 2-4 times a month and in general have a good relationship.

If someone else upset her like he did yesterday I suspect he'd go batshit.

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Callooh · 11/03/2015 23:47

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CheerfulYank · 11/03/2015 23:56

Poor DD, what an awful thing to say! Angry

And it's really not fair of him to have switched the goalposts on her like that. She thought she could get the game if she earned the money and now he's saying she can't. He was cruel and also totally U.

AlpacaMyBags · 12/03/2015 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 12/03/2015 00:03

Well, tbf the switching the goalposts was probably a bit down to lack of communication on our part - she'd been on about this game since the weekend, mostly to me. I see no reason why, if she's willing to try to earn the money for herself, she shouldn't be able to spend it pretty much on what she wants, and I think it's a good lesson in work ethic and not always getting instant gratification.

Tbh I'm not that wild at the thought of her spending £40 on a computer game myself but if she's earned it then it's her choice I was hoping it would take so long to earn the cash she'd go off the idea!

DFil was round yesterday - I suspect he reported back to MIL that there was a jumbo multipack of crisps in the kitchen and DD spent all her time showing him things on the computer and she's got on her high horse to DH about diet and exercise again which is what triggered such an extreme reaction she's hardly Cindy Crawford herself.

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Original poster
WyrdByrd · 12/03/2015 00:07

Alpaca I've also been dieting since childhood for all the good it's done me! so I know where you're coming from.

I don't think she'll forget that comment tbh.

I think if she's willing to work for and save her own money to pay for the game it's not fair to make her wait six months for it if she achieves her total before then. If she was expecting us to buy it then she would definitely have to wait.

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livefastlove · 12/03/2015 00:18

OMG a multipack of crisps! Kids liking computer games! Glad they aren't my in laws Grin

CunningCat · 12/03/2015 00:20

I think your DH should buy her the game she wants as penance.
Fil should mind his own, what is he? The crisps police!!
What is it with that generation and food? My DM and mil do this sometimes too and pass comment etc. As far as I can remember I was bought up on sausages and fish fingers! Yet they analyse our kids diets, bloody hypocrites!!!!

lovingmatleave · 12/03/2015 00:36

Guaranteed that will not be a comment she forgets in a hurry. 30 years after my dad said I was fat after I asked for another biscuit after my dinner, I have still not forgotten. I even remember the hot tears flowing down my face.

So he's apologised once but your daughter still feels hurt and not surprisingly. I don't think therefore its fine to say he's apologised and time to move on. Its still bothering your daughter and as others and me have posted this will stay with her for a long time. I think you need to tell him she's still upset. He needs to keep communicating with her and apologise again soon and then every so often - tell her how he loves her, that she is beautiful etc. Tough luck if he doesn't do talking about feelings. He really needs to start if he doesn't want to cause any long lasting damage.

Original poster
WyrdByrd · 12/03/2015 00:42

She mentioned last night that the comment had been hurtful when I asked if he'd actually apologised to her (rather than trying to fudge the issue). She hasn't mentioned it at all since Tuesday night and they were laughing and playing together this afternoon.

Not sure I've forgiven him yet though. Still feel sick when I think about it.

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