Really worried about dd age 10

[SailorTwift]

Hi

I'm really worried about my 10 yo dd.
Firstly I will say that all is ok at home famiy wise. There are no issues that could be causing this behaviour.
Generally dd has always been a very difficult child. Very stubborn but usually happy and good fun.
Over the last few years she has gone from being difficult to almost out of control. She fights and is nasty to her brother. She speaks to me and my dh like dirt.
When I try to discipline her for this attitude by sending her out of the room she refuses to go and I end up having to literally drag her there only for her to come out straight back into the livingroom again. I've tried to ground her nth she grabs the keys and tries to get out. If I take things from her eg her phone/tablet she will run and attack my dh or I. She says the nastiest things to us and it must be awful for my ds 8 to witness this.
I am at the end of my tether with her. She refused to shower last night (school photos today) and I literally had to lift her, place her kn the shower and wash her hair all with her kneeling in a ball hands over her head.
At bedtime if she is not happy with something she will lock herself in the bathroom and refuse to come out. Bedtime ends up far too late because of the drama.
I honestly don't know what else to do.
Punishments for bad behaviour are either taking things away like her phone or not letting her go out to play.
She does get a lot of rewards in the form of days out with me shopping, she gets pocket money and we spend time doing her nails with nail art, that kind of thing.
I am really worried as there's a girl a few streets away. She lives with a really lovely family who adopted her since birth. Since she was about 10 she has been out of control also.
She is now 15 and is continually running away from home, police looking for her. Stealing things from her adopted mum. Shoplifting and being nasty to teachers.
I'm so worried my daughter is going this way. Please help me get my little girl back on track.

Does she seem happy to go to school?

Yes she is usually fine going to school, except if there's something on she doesn't like. Which is not often.

I have 15yo and a 10yo DDs. Some random thoughts:

Can you talk with your DD when she is calm? What does she say about how she is behaving? Are you getting any support from school such as ELSA?

10yo can be hard, hormones raging, girls all trying to be towards the top of the pecking order at school. If she is y6 there is also the angst of SATs and moving on to secondary school.

I would be tempted to remove all privileges such as phone and tablet. (Does she really need a phone anyway?). They are then provided for a fixed time each evening provided behaviour has been good. Poor behaviour (including rudeness) results in losing time from the electronics.

You could go 'extreme' and remove stuff from bedroom and she only gets back when behaves well.

I went to a parenting course where they advocated 2 punishments only for teens (I know yours isn't there yet): 15mins loss of phone, or 15mins earlier to bed.

Would also say pick your battles. It wouldn't have been the end of the world if she didn't have a shower, or maybe showered next morning.

Don't get into physical fights. You may win now but you won't in 5 years time. If she won't move from a room, then remove yourself and your attention.

Keep your DS safe, removing him from her as needed.

Stay strong. good luck.

(Oh, and given that you are concerned that your DD may be going the same way as the neighbour, I'm not sure it was necessary to mention the neighbour is adopted. It made me uncomfortable, as if you are tarring all adopted children with a 'wild' tag. My adopted 15yo is currently a delight.)

I'd stop the cycle of punishment and rewards - it clearly isn't being effective.
She has decided to oppose you at every turn and now it just escalates.

Buy the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and read it. It really helps.

Then start talking to your DD to try to get what is bothering her. She clearly is upset over something and it's manifesting in resistance to you.
She could be afraid, scared, insecure, angry due to schoolwork or friends.

you need to also think about how your treat her as opposed to your son. Is there a difference, even if you don't mean it? Does she feel left out of the family dynamic? How does your husband treat her?

I'd also look to see if your school or local area has mindfulness or counselling for children - she may prefer to talk to a stranger.

You need to pick your battles more, avoid some of the conflict and ignore the drama.

If dd (also 10) is cheeky she has to go to her room immediately. If she comes down (and she often does), I sit and listen to music with head phones on ignoring her. This drives her nuts. Eventually I will calmly point out that I will engage with her after she has been to her room for a period of time as asked. It sometimes takes a while to sink in but I will not argue with her or engage with her until she does as she is asked.

If she is agressive to her brother (who is actually bigger than her), she goes to bed 10 minutes early for each offence. Same applies to him. Sometimes, if they have a big spat, they both go to bed a whole hour early (which has its upsides for me).

If she persists in anything I have asked her not to do, I will remove things from her room until she behaves.

I never engage with her physically. To me, if I had to do this, it would feel like I had lost control (even where I know that I have anyway). I also try and avoid arguments (I don't always manage this) as they have a way of escalating.

If she wouldn't shower for school, I would point out the downsides of not doing so and then say it was her choice. I pick my battles and at 10 she is old enough to decide for herself whether she wants to wash and is willing to accept whatever comes her way if she doesn't. Likewise, if she won't wear a coat or eat tea. If she won't do homework, I just threaten to write in her homework diary that she couldn't be bothered. All her choice. I just don't want to hear about it if she is cold or hungry or in trouble for not doing homework.

TEENANDTWEEN I'm so very sorry if I've offended you re the adoption comment. I felt my post was babbling on and what I was trying to say is that the girl who has been causing her adopted parents trouble seems out if control. She is acting like her real mother whom she has never met, but is known by her ad mum. I shouldn't have even mentioned she was adopted as it's nothing to do with it.

Thanks all for your advice. I will get that book and pick my battles.
I've had chats with her but they always go along the lines if it (the behaviour) being someone else's fault.
Just sat at school now waiting in them coming out. She is grounded tonight bra cause of last nights behaviour.... Wish me luck.

Best wishes, hope you find a way through.

Not offended, just a bit uncomfortable.
ps 'real mum' isn't a great term either. birth Mum would be better.

To be fair to you, the fact the neighbour is adopted may well have something to do with her behaviour, but it just doesn't have anything to do with your daughter's behaviour.

Whenever my DD's say 'it wasn't my fault' I try to say that they may not have meant to do it, but certainly nobody else made them. And sometimes they make choice A which leads to occurrence B, so although they didn't mean to do B, it was their original choice which led to it.

(eg trying to carry 6 plates, leads to one dropping and breaking. They didn't mean to break a plate, but their choice to carry 6 plates led to it.)

Hi OP

Sorry you are having such a tough time.

I would go and see your GP (on your own initially) with a list of all the aspects of your dd's behaviour that are worrying you.

He/she will be able to refer you to an organisation such as CAMHS who are experts in getting to the bottom of such things like frustration/anger in children, and giving you and your dd coping strategies.

You said she has always been difficult. Can you give some examples?

How are things at school? Does she have good friendships? Are there any aspects of academic life she finds difficult? How is she with changes to her routine? How is her organisation?

Lots of questions - I am sorry! Sometimes there can be underlying conditions going on such as dyslexia/dyspraxia or a whole range of other things which can impact and result in frustration etc.

I meant examples of her being difficult when she was a younger child - sorry that wasn't very clear on my part.

Sorry been working all day.

She generally gets like this when she is tired, so probably normal as like most children.
However what's been happening over the years is that dh would always jump to her defence when I was telling her off for something, that seems to have built into and her and me scenario and seemed to make her more brave to stand up to me as he has always had her back.
Over the course if the past few months I've been working more that normal and he has been here and had difficulties managing her. He has since been very agreeable with me when discipling. And it's helped massively, it was causing huge problems in our relationship and we have almost split.

What's left now is that when she isn't so good she really is not good. She will fight with her brother, shout and me and dh, she's attempted to hit me. Refuses to go to her room when told and tries to get Keys to leave if she is grounded. I she is sent to bed early she end up sleeping much later as she will throw stuff about her room, turn the lights on, throw her bedding of her bed and just sit on the bed and not go in it. It's driving me nuts. Some days I think of leaving.